Tag: suffering

How to recognize toxic positivity? by Laura Herrera

unrecognizable woman covered with plastic bag

I went through two debilitating chronic diseases for 11 years. During this time there were 17 trips to the ER. I had many failed treatments, went through 10 doctors, had multiple failed surgeries and spent thousands of dollars to get help. I finally found a specialist in New York, states away who rooted out the diseases in two surgeries. As you can imagine I went through an awfully long journey. During this I was often met with hurtful toxic positivity from people. At times, my situation was compared to others because no one could understand what I was going through and thought that comparing stories would help me. I could go on and on with the hurtful phrases I received. Unfortunately, most of them were from well-meaning but misguided Christians. I did not know how to stand up for myself, I felt alone and voiceless. There were many times I went to the bathroom to cry after someone said something hurtful. I would turn inwards and would battle hope. Toxic positivity hurt my relationships with people and with God. I found it hard to open up to others and as a defense mechanism. I in turn carried not only the weight of physical pain, but also emotional pain as well. I now see how that spilled over into my relationship with God as well. I didn’t feel that I could open up to Him for a very long time. I didn’t feel as though what I was going through mattered to Him. 

As Christians we are to build each other up and not tear each other down.

Ephesians 4:2 “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,“

This article is to build you up so that you can recognize toxic positivity.

You may have used toxic positivity and may not realize it. You might use it towards yourself and may not realize it either.  This article is to help you recognize the pattern from others or from yourself.

Now someone doesn’t have to only go through something medical to be on the receiving end of toxic positivity. In our everyday lives we go through pain, suffering or loss. When met with hurtful phrases of any kind no matter what we are going through- it can cause even further pain or damage in our lives.

What is toxic positivity:

Toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. It covers and stifles the vulnerability one shares with another or with themselves and in turn, can cause one to believe that their needs and what they are going through are not worthy to be heard or helped in any manner. It also dispels hope. 

Have you ever experienced a time when you’ve opened up to someone about something personal that you are going through only to be met with hurtful words? Such as- Well, at least you do not have it as bad as….  It could be worse…. It will all be fine… Don’t worry about it…. Always look on the bright side… You’ll get over it… Stay positive…. Everything happens for a reason…

One of my most disliked common expression is, “It could be worse.” Who decides on what makes up ‘as the worst suffering or loss as the worst possible situation? It’s a never-ending ladder to reach the top of who earns the top spot in the worst possible situation. Whatever we are going through we all have needs concerning our situations.  

The damaging power it has:

Again, toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. Shame makes us look inward and think what is wrong with me. Shame also screams I am not worthy. It says, no one really cares.

We don’t have to let someone say, “You are not good enough.” – We don’t have to let others say what we are going through is not good enough to be heard or helped.  Nor should we be compared to what someone else is going through. This can make us feel voiceless and hopeless.

When we are either met with toxic positivity from others or given towards ourselves, we can end up battling in our minds for the right to be heard by people and by God. Do I have the right to be heard? Is my pain big enough to be empathized with by others and by God? Do I have the right to be helped?

When we stifle our own needs and think towards ourselves, “I should just be positive” we harm ourselves. What if we really needed time to process and heal through something emotionally and decided not to since we didn’t allow ourselves to check-in with ourselves? What if we really needed to see a doctor, but we kept telling ourselves, “I’m ok, it’ll get better.”? Can you see, how damage can be done in both scenarios? 

 

Words have power:

There’s life and death in the power of the tongue.

Proverbs 18:21 NIV “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Again, we have the power to uplift or tear one another down and ourselves.

Ask yourself these questions: 

When in my life did I seek help only to find out that what I was going through was devalued by another? How many times have I not spoken up when I was going through something or needed help based on past encounters in life? How has this spilled into my relationship with people in general or with God? Do I ever feel at times what I’m going through shouldn’t be brought up to God because others are going through something worse?

If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, you have faced toxic positivity. Don’t be discouraged, this is the first step to healing from the wounds and effects of it. This week allow yourself to grieve or ponder on how this has made you feel. Journaling is a great idea to pour out any lingering wounds.

I leave you with this prayer until next week’s article on learning what healthy positivity is and how to stand up for yourself. You’ll also learn how to grow in your love for yourself and in your intimacy with God.

Dear God,

Thank you for being with your precious one. Thank you for opening their eyes that toxic positivity has affected their lives. You God can heal these broken hearts and wounds. May you comfort them today in your unfathomable love as they bring any past hurts and pains. May you shed on them grace, comfort, and joy. Thank you for giving them wisdom, guidance and peace. I ask this in Jesus Name.  Amen.

Bio- Laura Herrera

Going through two chronic debilitating diseases for 11 years, being in and out of hospitals and going through multiple doctors and surgeries- Laura now advocates passionately and bridges the gap for those going through the same diseases as she did. Coming from a place of understanding on how chronic diseases can affect all aspects of life; not just including others health, but also their mental wellbeing, finances, family life and relationships in general- she is also passionate about helping those going through any chronic disease. Her articles can be seen on: https://lauraherreratopics.com/

Unhealthy, Toxic or Aggressive People or Healthy, Non-Toxic or Assertive People

When Compassion isn’t Compassion

What is The Difference Between Positivity and Trusting God.

Why Forgiveness is a key?

Forgiveness

Why don’t we forgive? What is the benefit of forgiveness? In my blog post ‘the three things about Mercy” I wrote on forgiveness being an aspect of mercy. As I was in prayer, I sensed writing on forgiveness again. I think we need to go deeper in our understanding of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not agreement with the offender. Forgiveness does not say it was ok to hurt me. But what it does do is release you from the hurt of the offense, pain or suffering emotionally and mentally. When we stay in the offense in our thoughts we are captured by the painful memories, and we tend to replay them repeatedly. This just causes more pain daily. You could call it beating yourself up with mental replays of events concerning the offense, hurt and pain. Eventually it will be more difficult to stop replaying the hurt unless you repress it which opens the door to more inner problems tormenting you.

I know that forgiveness can be difficult for traumatic events, rejections and suffering. But forgiveness is a key that opens the door to freedom in your mind and body. The key to forgiveness must be turned to release you from the mental anguish. When we hold onto people that have hurt us and we pretend it did not hurt it just plays revolving thoughts of the hurt in our minds.

But forgiveness is still a key of choice. We choose to forgive when we willingly process the hurt and ask God to heal our the mind and heart. Forgiveness is the blessing that releases you from the suffering and thoughts of turmoil. Real or imagined pain and hurt must be let go of to move on and be healed.

This does not imply you have to stay and be abused or violated. In no way does forgiveness mean any person has the right to abuse, torture or hurt another person. It simply means the mental aspect of it which lingers after traumatic events can be healed. It starts with dealing with the trauma and getting the pain out so that you can process it, forgive and be free.

Today is the day to choose to forgive and be free. Should I forgive? The Rejection Connection

Patience, Patience, Patience…

Don’t we all enjoy patience! Well perhaps not all of us. My definition of patience is quietly waiting without grumbling or complaining. Since that is my definition of patience where do you think you are in your definition of patience?

As I waited for my daughter’s goat Kiki to birth her babies yesterday, I looked at my daughter and she said to me, “now we wait we must have patience because they come only when their ready.”  I was thinking about the patience it takes to be a rancher. This goat had two dates, so it was a question of which date is correct and the wait began. I had never seen an animal birth, so I was thrilled to wait. Well I do not believe that Kiki wanted an audience because we left and came back later, she still didn’t birth her babies, so we came back home. She started birthing at 11ish we had been was fast asleep. But Kiki as well as her three kids are all in good health and doing great. They are super adorable.

This experience led me to thinking about patience. How essential it is to practice patience as well as what an asset it is to have. Since we must all apply patience during this pandemic, I think it’s suitable to take the time to look at patience. According to the dictionary: “Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering with out getting angry or upset.”

Patience when anything is delayed. How many times has something been delayed in your life? It may not always feel good to wait on longer than anticipated although it is doable. We can withstand longer in delays by not complaining and looking at the situation in negative ways. The minute we begin complaining our endurance gets affected. Getting angry throughout a delay only affects yourself. Choose to speak the truth to yourself so your waiting will not influence your thoughts and emotions.

The Bible states, James 1:2-4 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,3-knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience, 4-But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” I may not immediately feel joy in trouble although knowing God is working in the trouble and in me is helping to refocus off the trouble. Choosing to speak truths for example is stating God will help, because his word promises to help his children. Or speaking truth may also be I am growing in maturity in this time of patience. Even if you do not feel like your growing you’re going to be growing.

Patience during trouble is also difficult if your concentrating on the trouble. Choose to speak life into the difficulties. Trouble comes in many forms big and small. Any unforeseen problem financially can be real trouble for many. I find and speak a scripture into the problem. It will help me to refocus onto the Lord and his provisions. God also provides wisdom when we ask him.

Patience during suffering may be difficult also.  Suffering comes in all shapes too. Physical, emotional and psychological suffering can all be tough times for being patient. Throughout my ankle recovery I told myself to understand I have never been through this one before and to trust God in the healing process. I knew this was going to be a longer recovery because of my bones being soft. I am still in rehabilitation for the ankle almost finished but not yet.

When we decide to be patient in delays, trouble or suffering we are increasing in maturity. Allow patience to have the full work in you so you become mature and complete.