Tag: Shame

How to stand up for yourself when facing toxic positivity. by Laura Herrera

grass beside the sea

Last week in the “How to recognize toxic positivity” article, we learned how it affects our relationships with others and with ourselves. Also, how it spills into our relationship with God. This week we are learning what healthy positivity is and how to stand up for ourselves. How we can grow in our love for ourselves and in our intimacy with God. 

As a recap, toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. It covers and stifles the vulnerability one shares with another or with themselves. In turn, it can cause one to believe that their needs and what they are going through are not worthy to be heard or helped in any manner. It also dispels hope. 

A few common toxic phrases we learned were: Well, at least you do not have it as bad as…. It could be worse…. It will all be fine… Don’t worry about it…. Always look on the bright side… You’ll get over it… Stay positive…. Everything happens for a reason…

How to stand up for yourself and guard your heart:

If we open up to someone and the way, they respond is affecting us – we can either respectfully correct them or guard our heart.

What is guarding your heart? One way we guard our heart is speaking the truth to ourselves.

Affirm ourselves that what we are going through matters and unfortunately, they were not an emotionally safe person to confide in. Believe and trust God someone else will be a safe place. Affirming ourselves is an expression of showing love towards ourselves.

If we choose to speak up, we can say something like, “I know it was meant well, but it makes me feel as if what I’m going through doesn’t matter. Right now, I need support. Support for me right now means… (Share what needs you have). At the very least, we may just want a hug at that moment. 

Food for thought: Many of us are afraid of confrontation. However, it is in the context of healthy confrontation that relationships can grow and flourish. If we do not speak up, the other person doesn’t know what we are feeling, and they do not have the opportunity to listen and make a positive change. 

If it is us who are speaking toxic phrases over ourselves, we no longer must push our needs down. It is time to embrace ourselves with loving kindness. 

Healthy positivity statements:

“I will take a step back and look for what I can be grateful for, but I will not diminish the needs that I have at this moment.”

What are my needs in this situation? Whether it be emotional, spiritual, or financial.

I am a child of God and He cares for me. I am not going through this alone. He cares for me because I’m His child.

Healthy positivity supplies hope:

Romans 8:28 NIV “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.”

This is the exact opposite of what some say with toxic phrases such as: “God only gives us what we can handle.” And “Everything happens for a reason.” (These are not even scriptural.) 

God is not saying He put this on us. He also is not saying He caused this to happen to us, but He will be there with us through this. And He is working through this.

Isaiah 43: 1-3 NIV “But now, this is what the LORD says— He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;”

Romans 8:28 was key for me when I was fighting for 11 years to be heard by doctors. Thankfully, tenacity got me through it. It brought me through to keep seeking help. I was determined to find someone who could help me fight the diseases I was going through.

I knew no matter what, God could turn what I was going through and work something out for good. Years later after the diseases have been rooted out and I’ve healed emotionally, I now write for others going through chronic diseases.

Our relationship with God: God created us for a relationship with him, and more than anything He cares for every one of us. His word says,

Matthew 6:26 NIV “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

He’s telling you. He is not addressing another person. He is personally speaking to you.

Jesus is the perfect reflection of what care and comfort are. He values every one of us the same. We will not find a scripture where He compares what one person is going through with another. We will not find Him using any toxic positivity. 

If He cares about each one of us and what we are going through, shouldn’t we as individuals follow suit and do the same for others and ourselves?

Are you someone who has believed the lie that I once did- “Am I not worthy of God’s care and affection?” Have you believed the lie, “He won’t hear my cries, so why even bother?” 

If so, let today be the first day that you turn a corner and dwell on the truth. The truth is that He does care. We can go to Him and pour out our heart, pain, loss, fears, and frustrations- He will listen. When we are a child of God, He hears every word we speak.

Where many might have failed us and will fail us, we can take heart that what we are going through does matter to God. It matters greatly. Enter His presence without fear. He will not turn us down and He will not compare our situation to others. Let Him love on you and comfort you.

Psalm 34:18 NIV “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Now that I’m on a new journey of health and have received mental health coaching: I have been able to choose to either stand up for myself with the other people or guard my heart while affirming myself. I’ve been able find out who in my life are the real supporters that I can turn to and who are not. My relationship with God has blossomed. I confide in Him like never before. When I cry out to Him, I know I will be met with the sincerest comfort, love, and care. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t gone through other hurts or turmoil. On the contrary, I’ve been through a lot in the last few years in all kinds of areas of my life. However, I have now found peace and grace in asking myself, “What are my needs at this moment and what can I be grateful for?” I then have been able to turn to God for comfort, love, and support.

I want to leave you with this comforter analogy: When I think of Him comforting me in my troubles, I think of His embrace as an actual comforter. A comforter supplies warmth and covering to a cold body. Even though it can supply these things, it only does so when we reach out for it. Let Him comfort you. Reach out to Him for the comfort you need. Pour out your heart and He will be there wrapping His love and care on you.

I pray as you learn how to stand up for yourself and love yourself, that your relationships blossom. I pray your relationship with God grows like never before.

At every moment, you matter and whatever you are going through matters to God. How to recognize toxic positivity? by Laura Herrera

What is The Difference Between Positivity and Trusting God.

Three different Ways to Deal with Shame…

Are You, Your worst enemy?

What does are you your worst enemy mean? It means the way we think affects our life. Our thoughts can trigger emotions and our thoughts left unchecked can become mindsets and strongholds.

When we put ourselves down through unhealthy thinking patterns, we become our worst enemy.  These patterns become automatic, before you realize it you are speaking to your self unhealthy things about yourself, life, and others.

Shame, rejection, bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear are just a few issues that affect our thinking. Abuses are the most common culprit for thinking and feeling bad about yourself. Whether it is from present or past abuse it can affect how one feels and thinks about themself.

As you read this article ask yourself 1) Do I speak negatively about myself when things go wrong? 2) Do I blame myself when things don’t workout the way I think they should? 3) Can I separate my being from my doing?

If you answered yes to those questions, then it is time to refuse the negative narrative you speak to yourself. And allow God to bring healing into those areas of your heart. Being aware of our thoughts and how they affect us is possible when you question your thoughts. Ask yourself where this negative thought is coming from? Ask is it true, is it hurtful then turn the thought around to a positive statement of truth according to the Word of God.

For example: If you think ‘I’m not good enough’ then this thought pattern will stop you from trying new things, meeting new people or changing your life. This type of thought pattern is fueled by worthlessness. To conquer this thought pattern, you must speak the truth to yourself. Yes our behaviors can be wrong but who you are as a human being is valuable. God created us with value and worth because He loves us, He sent His only Begotten Son Jesus to die for us. That means to God you are valuable and worth dying for.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4) For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5) casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ…” This scripture shows us how to take captive thoughts and strongholds that keep us tied up. Unhealthy negative thoughts about yourself are exalting itself against the knowledge of God. Why because God created us in His image.

Here are three areas we become our own worst enemy. 1) Thoughts, become our beliefs when we dwell on them. Thoughts left unchecked will produce emotions. Emotions are just that emotions they are not facts. Same as our opinions they also are not facts. Our perspective can also not be facts. Our opinions and perspective come from our thinking processes. Therefore, thoughts affect our actions.

2) Our behaviors left unrestrained will cause ourselves and others’ problems. My mom would say “Actions speak louder than words.” Which is true but let us add to this statement that ‘actions are thoughts being acted out.’ Usually, we do what we think on if our thoughts are unrestrained. And when we do our actions will affect our outcome. Let us clarify these statements. Unrestrained habitual negative thinking produces unrestrained actions. Actions affect our outcome. The outcome is a product of our thoughts put into actions. The bible says what we sow we reap.

3) In certain situations, our result becomes a product of our actions. We cannot control what others do or every circumstance that happens in life. But keeping in context to this article certain results come from our own unhealthy thinking patterns and actions.

When I was younger my thoughts would make me feel less than others but as I allowed the Spirit of God to teach me according to God’s Word who I am in Christ, He healed the inferiority thoughts. I wrote in my book “The Father’s Daughters” on somethings that I went through. We do not have to be our own worst enemy. There is enough problems in life we don’t have to help beat ourselves up.

We do need to admit when we are at fault or when our behavior is wrong and sinful. When we have repented and ask for forgiveness God does forgive us. 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  We then need to forgive ourselves and walk in His truth.

I do recommend you read the Bible daily. God’s word is truth of who He is and who you are in Him. I also recommend the book “The Father’s Daughters.”  God wants to set His people free so that we can love others as we love ourselves. Jesus died so that we could be free in all areas of our lives.

Amazon.com: The Father’s Daughters: Affirmation, Acceptance and Affection (9798705629275): Melton, Dr. Annette: Books

What is The Shame-Train?

black train on rail and showing smoke

Shame has a way of following you like a continuous train. With repetitious thoughts that haunt you wherever you go. Shame is like a train in that it continuous with many different cars (thoughts) moving along the tracks of life. Wherever the locomotive goes the cars follow.

The cars of the shame train are called I should have, I can’t, not good enough, not pretty enough, not popular enough, not loved, no one cares about me, I’m to old, to skinny, to fat, not smart enough… Then there is a rejection car, fear car, anxiety car, unforgiveness, I will always be this way car…

Shame is a pervasive feeling and thoughts of I am bad, flawed, or damaged. It goes with you; it’s deep within your heart and mind. A few causes of shame are abuse in all forms, neglect, or conditional love. In each one of those there is a myriad of other issues.

How do we break free and jump off the shame-train? Through the power of God, His Word and by Christ love we are healed, set free and can jump off that train.

Isaiah 53:3 MSG “He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away, We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried-our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.”  Jesus took our shame to the cross so that He could stand in our place, and we could be healed and set free.

As we are healed by God in the name of Jesus all sorrow of the shame is replaced with His acceptance and love. As a child of God, you don’t have to carry the pain of the past of what someone did or said to you, what you did or said either when we surrender to God the hurts, pain and sorrows He fills it with his healing.  To be free of shame and jump off the shame-train name the car and surrender the pain to God. Process shame with releasing it and surrendering it over to God.

Forgiveness flows as you give it to God, sometimes we hold onto it through unforgiveness because we want retribution for what was done to us but God says vengeance is his so we trust he will deal with it we can let go.

Forgiveness frees you to heal and grow.

In the book “The Father’s Daughters” I talk about shame, rejection, and forgiveness. If you have never read it, I do recommend getting it on Amazon it has powerful prayers to pray for your healing and deliverance. It truly is time to jump off the shame-train, you can’t wait till it stops, because it never stops it just keeps adding more cars (thoughts). In Christ love there is peace, His peace. There is joy too.

Amazon.com: The Father’s Daughters: Affirmation, Acceptance and Affection (9798705629275): Melton, Dr. Annette: Books

Three different Ways to Deal with Shame…

The way out

As we have entered the New Year of 2022 it is time to release the pain of yesterday. Grief, shame, and pain can hold onto us if not processed, healed, and released. Today is the day to process shame. Understanding what shame is and how to heal from it is essential to walking free from it.

What is Shame? “Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” The shame I am writing about is also an internal feeling of being flawed, not good enough or worthless. This doesn’t mean it’s true it is just a pervasive feeling of not being good enough, worthless.

As so many know the pain of shame replays in your mind and heart. It recalls every aspect of the hurt or trauma and it will cause the wound to stay because it is within you, hidden in memory and as events happen in our lives shame internalizes it through the original filter of pain. Which then we are triggered in pain and back to the original hurt without realizing why this current event hurts so much.

Things that cause shame is all forms of abuse verbal, emotional or physical etc. Statements made that are unloving or humiliating may cause shame. When an individual hears they are no good, rotten, or worthless that will cause shame. When a person is told regularly negative words against their personhood or their skills etc. it will affect the way they see themselves.

Three different ways to deal with shame that we all need to recognize:

First way to deal with the shame, for some people they feel the pain but they do not want to deal with it. So, they repress it and run internally from it. But it does not mean the pain has gone away. It is just hidden in the body and subconscious. Unfortunately, it will surface but not always at the proper times or ways. Unresolved shame turns into rage.

Second way to deal with the shame, is act like it does not hurt you, your over it and said, “I forgive.”  This is like the first, but this is a conscious choice to pretend you are ok. ‘I’m ok’ that did not hurt me. But reality is it did bother you and you are lying to yourself. This comes back because it causes you internally to become hard and calculated, to form bitter judgements and opens us up to sickness physically or mentally.

Third way to deal with the shame is to allow yourself to release the hurt in a safe environment by processing the pain to come out. This opens you up to forgiveness towards the offender. If this shame has held on for years one may need to get free of the attached demonic oppression. This will release as you process forgiveness and renounce any bitterness etc. We do this by speaking the name of Jesus to the oppression. If you’re not able to do this on your own reach out for help. In Christ Jesus there is liberty to live a victorious life.

I pray that as you walk through the shame and pain you will sense God releasing you and healing your heart and mind from the torment of shame.

Why Forgiveness is a key? The Root of Shame

What is conditional and unconditional love?

Since I have been writing about love this month, I thought a more detailed description of conditional and unconditional love would be appropriate. The word conditional means “subject to one or more conditions or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms.” Unconditional means “not subject to any conditions.” In the book ‘The Father’s Daughters’ I discuss conditional and unconditional love. God’s love is unconditional, but mankind loves conditionally at times.

How do we know if we are walking in conditional or unconditional love? The answer may be in what you’re expecting in return for your love. Unconditional love has no expectations on its love. When there is love given in expectations of returns then the conditions can set you up for resentments. “The higher your expectations are the greater your resentments will be.”

I was blessed to have a mother who loved us unconditionally. She was affirming and accepting. She wasn’t perfect because no one is perfect but God. She taught us how to accept the differences in others I think her disability was a visual for me to know people treat others differently. But I learned to recognize differences without judgements. The outward appearance isn’t as important as the inward character. Love based in anything outward isn’t real love it’s conditional and no one can thrive in conditional love.  

Children who are loved for just being your child grow up able to accept God’s love for them but when they are conditioned that when they do right, they are loved and when they do wrong, they are not loved it produces all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanism. Such as perfectionism, performance orientation , shame, rejection, they become critical of themselves and others and the list go on.

But what is God’s requirement for His love? Most people would answer do good, be kind etc. But is that His requirement or is that mans? The bible states, in 1 John “God is love.” This can be a hard concept for those who were conditioned by acceptance of works. God loves us unconditionally he doesn’t dis-love because you don’t do everything perfectly.

I think we confuse consequences for behaviors as His not loving you, but the truth is, He still loves you despite your behaviors. Consequences are a necessary learning tool it helps us to recognize mistakes, sin and shows love. The Holy Spirit will convict us of sin but if we don’t repent and turn, he allows the consequences to wake us up. That is love!

If you were raised in conditional love, there is hope and healing for you to receive God’s unconditional love. He loved us so much he sent Jesus to die for our sins before we were even born. Who dies for someone before they even exist? Jesus did. Love is a four-letter word that can bring us joy or pain. Today let the love of God heal your pain and replace it with His Love. He truly does love you unconditionally.

Shame…

What is shame? What are the three different kinds of shame? Why is it so important to be free of shame? These are some of the questions we will be looking at for answers.

Shame is a bad feeling about your personhood and the feeling of being flawed.  Shame based and toxic shame comes from three different types of shame.  Sandra D. Wilson stated in her book ‘Released from Shame.’  ‘There are three types of shame biological, biblical and binding.’ Shame is instilled by one or all these three types.

Let’s look at her three types of shame. The first is ‘biological shame.’ ‘Biological shame has the physical component.’ For instances I had been born with multi congenital abnormalities one being a bone illness that affected my growth plates. That’s what caused the major joints in my body in order not to form properly. I couldn’t walk good or run so as a kid I had severe pain in my legs, but the doctors didn’t know back then what disease I had until I was much older.  I couldn’t participate in sports or gym either. It caused me to make me feel ashamed of my body because I turned out to be different. This is just one example of biological shame. God healed me from biological shame but will talk about that later.

You can feel biological shame from being short or tall, skinny or heavy. No matter what the circumstance is in our biological makeup which is different from other’s may cause shame especially if the individual is teased, bullied or doesn’t like to be different.

Getting bullied represents a biological and psychological shaming. I believe this is the reason why it’s so distressing and hard for the person being bullied they start to believe their defected as well as to it causes serious emotional and mental pain. If the harassment is also physical abuse it is at the same time damaging. This could cause psychological trauma for a child who will need healing.

The second type of shame in this book is ‘Biblical Shame.’ This has the spiritual component to the shaming. This occurs in religions and religious families that must be perfect and uphold a requirement higher than you can reach or obtain.

There’s a difference between a relationship between Jesus and being a spiritual person who performs the rules in order to feel good about themselves. God does not love you because you are performing well, he loves you for he is love.

There are groups, cults and religions that put shame on people to maintain them bound to a standard of acceptance for the groups, cults or religions traditions. There’s a difference between tradition and the Word of God.  When we present traditions as criteria as if they are the Word of God it can generate shame in people who are trying to keep the traditions. Because they feel they have failed if they can’t maintain them when it’s a man-made tradition.

The third type of shame in the book is ‘binding shame.’  ‘Binding shame has a psychological component.’ The term bound by the shame comes from childhood encounters in families that are dysfunctional.  Children do not accurately interpret their parent’s actions because they internalize every action or word by the parent as their own fault.

When a parent is dysfunctional themselves, they will place their shame onto their children by words, actions, body language and tones. For example, if your dubbed stupid as a child eventually you believe it.  This psychologically makes you think that you are unable to learn and that there’s something wrong with you and with who you are.

All three of these types of shame can produce a shame-based identity where you feel your identity is flawed, bad or worthless. When you have a shame-based identity you have a difficult time separating your opinions from who you are.

Getting liberated from shame is essential to living a non-dysfunctional life. Our identity remains rooted to the essence of our being.  If your identity remains rooted in a shame that you dislike yourself, you would not love yourself in a healthy way and your thoughts will strengthen the negatives about yourself it’s a sad place to live. If you can’t accept yourself, you are feeling and think others can’t accept you either.

The good news is that you can get free from shame. I know from my own experience God healed myself from the shame I felt regarding my disability. He freed me years back from feeling flawed.

How did I get free? I had to first confront the shame, hurt and pain. Through God I got the inner healing for all the pain of being unable to accomplish what I wanted to do and the feelings of being less. 

I had to change my thinking about the disability. It’s all right that I’m not able to run or walk far. It’s not a flaw it’s a disability. I had to embrace my physical restrictions and health issues by seeing them all through God’s eyes. There’s a scripture that God used to help me look at myself the way That He sees me beautiful and loved.

Song of Solomon 4:7 amp “[He exclaimed] O my love, how beautiful you are! There is no flaw in you!”

My prayer: Dear Heavenly Father as they give you the pain and shame, I pray you are replacing it with your unconditional love for them. That by the sacrifice of Jesus each pain, sorrow and shame be gone in Jesus name.

https://insightsbydrannette.com/beauty-for-ashes/https://insightsbydrannette.com/the-root-of-shame/

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