Tag: relationships

How to recognize toxic positivity? by Laura Herrera

unrecognizable woman covered with plastic bag

I went through two debilitating chronic diseases for 11 years. During this time there were 17 trips to the ER. I had many failed treatments, went through 10 doctors, had multiple failed surgeries and spent thousands of dollars to get help. I finally found a specialist in New York, states away who rooted out the diseases in two surgeries. As you can imagine I went through an awfully long journey. During this I was often met with hurtful toxic positivity from people. At times, my situation was compared to others because no one could understand what I was going through and thought that comparing stories would help me. I could go on and on with the hurtful phrases I received. Unfortunately, most of them were from well-meaning but misguided Christians. I did not know how to stand up for myself, I felt alone and voiceless. There were many times I went to the bathroom to cry after someone said something hurtful. I would turn inwards and would battle hope. Toxic positivity hurt my relationships with people and with God. I found it hard to open up to others and as a defense mechanism. I in turn carried not only the weight of physical pain, but also emotional pain as well. I now see how that spilled over into my relationship with God as well. I didn’t feel that I could open up to Him for a very long time. I didn’t feel as though what I was going through mattered to Him. 

As Christians we are to build each other up and not tear each other down.

Ephesians 4:2 “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,“

This article is to build you up so that you can recognize toxic positivity.

You may have used toxic positivity and may not realize it. You might use it towards yourself and may not realize it either.  This article is to help you recognize the pattern from others or from yourself.

Now someone doesn’t have to only go through something medical to be on the receiving end of toxic positivity. In our everyday lives we go through pain, suffering or loss. When met with hurtful phrases of any kind no matter what we are going through- it can cause even further pain or damage in our lives.

What is toxic positivity:

Toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. It covers and stifles the vulnerability one shares with another or with themselves and in turn, can cause one to believe that their needs and what they are going through are not worthy to be heard or helped in any manner. It also dispels hope. 

Have you ever experienced a time when you’ve opened up to someone about something personal that you are going through only to be met with hurtful words? Such as- Well, at least you do not have it as bad as….  It could be worse…. It will all be fine… Don’t worry about it…. Always look on the bright side… You’ll get over it… Stay positive…. Everything happens for a reason…

One of my most disliked common expression is, “It could be worse.” Who decides on what makes up ‘as the worst suffering or loss as the worst possible situation? It’s a never-ending ladder to reach the top of who earns the top spot in the worst possible situation. Whatever we are going through we all have needs concerning our situations.  

The damaging power it has:

Again, toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. Shame makes us look inward and think what is wrong with me. Shame also screams I am not worthy. It says, no one really cares.

We don’t have to let someone say, “You are not good enough.” – We don’t have to let others say what we are going through is not good enough to be heard or helped.  Nor should we be compared to what someone else is going through. This can make us feel voiceless and hopeless.

When we are either met with toxic positivity from others or given towards ourselves, we can end up battling in our minds for the right to be heard by people and by God. Do I have the right to be heard? Is my pain big enough to be empathized with by others and by God? Do I have the right to be helped?

When we stifle our own needs and think towards ourselves, “I should just be positive” we harm ourselves. What if we really needed time to process and heal through something emotionally and decided not to since we didn’t allow ourselves to check-in with ourselves? What if we really needed to see a doctor, but we kept telling ourselves, “I’m ok, it’ll get better.”? Can you see, how damage can be done in both scenarios? 

 

Words have power:

There’s life and death in the power of the tongue.

Proverbs 18:21 NIV “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Again, we have the power to uplift or tear one another down and ourselves.

Ask yourself these questions: 

When in my life did I seek help only to find out that what I was going through was devalued by another? How many times have I not spoken up when I was going through something or needed help based on past encounters in life? How has this spilled into my relationship with people in general or with God? Do I ever feel at times what I’m going through shouldn’t be brought up to God because others are going through something worse?

If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, you have faced toxic positivity. Don’t be discouraged, this is the first step to healing from the wounds and effects of it. This week allow yourself to grieve or ponder on how this has made you feel. Journaling is a great idea to pour out any lingering wounds.

I leave you with this prayer until next week’s article on learning what healthy positivity is and how to stand up for yourself. You’ll also learn how to grow in your love for yourself and in your intimacy with God.

Dear God,

Thank you for being with your precious one. Thank you for opening their eyes that toxic positivity has affected their lives. You God can heal these broken hearts and wounds. May you comfort them today in your unfathomable love as they bring any past hurts and pains. May you shed on them grace, comfort, and joy. Thank you for giving them wisdom, guidance and peace. I ask this in Jesus Name.  Amen.

Bio- Laura Herrera

Going through two chronic debilitating diseases for 11 years, being in and out of hospitals and going through multiple doctors and surgeries- Laura now advocates passionately and bridges the gap for those going through the same diseases as she did. Coming from a place of understanding on how chronic diseases can affect all aspects of life; not just including others health, but also their mental wellbeing, finances, family life and relationships in general- she is also passionate about helping those going through any chronic disease. Her articles can be seen on: https://lauraherreratopics.com/

Unhealthy, Toxic or Aggressive People or Healthy, Non-Toxic or Assertive People

When Compassion isn’t Compassion

What is The Difference Between Positivity and Trusting God.

What type of graveclothes are you wearing?

What are grave clothes? When we are born again, we have a regenerated spirit, but we still have the world on us sometimes. God wants you loosed from the trappings of the graveclothes. He wants us to let go of the things that are binding our hands, feet, hearts, and minds.

In John 11:43-44 “Now when He had said these things, He cried with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come forth!’ 44And he who had died came out bound hand and foot with graveclothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, ‘loose him, and let him go.’”

Jesus’ friend Lazarus died and was buried. On the fourth day Jesus came and raised him from the dead. He said Lazarus come forth, Lazarus rose and came out of the tomb, but was still wrapped in graveclothes. Grave clothes are cloth stripes used for burial in ancient days.

These strips of cloth were wrapped around the body to where the entire body was bound. I’ve been thinking of the ways we can become bound even though we are regenerated in spirit we can continue to live bound.  It is interesting to me that Jesus told the people who moved the stone to unbind Lazarus. Even then people were needed to help and so are they today. Sometimes we think I don’t need help, or no one understands but God does understand, and he uses others to help unbind us.

To me grave clothes are things that keep you stuck or things that are harming your growth. We are spiritual, emotional, physical beings and we can get stuck in many ways. Mindsets can be binding on your health and growth when we let the painful thoughts of the past or current situations keep us from moving forward, it becomes the grave cloth over the mind. Jesus died so we could have freedom from oppressive thoughts, harmful habits, and harmful relationships.

Eternal life isn’t just going to heaven it is life here and now.  But we need to let our hands, feet, or mind be unbound. Can you imagine Lazarus fighting the people who were helping him? Unfortunately, at times we do hinder our help. But today is a good day to allow God to use his word to bring you the help you need and reach out to someone for the help you need.

What is keeping you bound today? What is limiting your growth, stopping you from moving forward, or holding you back? Surrender it to God by giving it to him and ask for his help. Then receive the help you need. My prayer is that if you are hurting today, you receive the help you need to move in the right direction.

The Marvelous Mind & Know your thoughts!

Have this mind…

What do you base your Love on?

What is love? Why is love so important? Where does it come from? Is it found in a feeling, thought or action? Or are all three of these involved in love? Does love include your mind, will and emotions? These are a few questions I would like to look at and think about.

First what is love? The Dictionary states, noun 1) “An intense feeling of deep affection. 2) A great interest and pleasure in something. Such as love for football.”

The Urban Dictionary defines love as “The act of caring and giving to someone else. Having someone’s best interest and well being as a priority in your life. To truly love is a very selfless act.” These definitions show us a few things that describe love according to the Dictionary.

Any time I do premarital counseling I like to ask couples why do you love each other; this question causes thoughts and expression so that each one can hear why each other loves them. Just saying I love you is not enough; love is always an expression of action. In healthy relationships love is selfless, it is always moving and growing. Love is stable, reliable, security, with meaningful communication and affection.

Relationships that embrace the differences in each other develop into healthy friendships. Love accepts the differences in others. For example, my husband is a drummer he played drums all his life. I do not have rhythm I struggle to clap in time. But my strengths are in other areas I love to sing. These differences do not hinder us because we embrace our differences, and we are not trying to make each other be like our selves. I think being able to laugh at yourself helps keep balance in love too. Laughter does the heart good.

Parental love also expresses to the child stability, consistency, security, communication, acceptance, affirmations, affection, boundaries and consequences. Healthy love has boundaries it also says I am sorry when wrong or I have hurt someone or reacted in a wrong way. Parental love teaches children how to love.

The Word of God describes love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5-does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6-does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7-bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8-Love never fails.” This description of love is actions, thoughts and words. This is the kind of love we are to walk and live in daily.

God loved us so much He sent His only begotten son to die for us so that we could live eternally with Him. In John 3:16 it tells us of Gods sacrificial love. Jesus laid down His own life for us, His love for us endured suffering, sorrow and death by taking our place, to buy forgiveness of sin for us. God showed His love through His Son Christ Jesus. Love expresses itself in sacrifice at times.

Love is a decision so your will is involved in love. Love is not just a feeling it is a choice. You can choose to walk and live love every moment. Let’s choose to love today.

Tune-up time…

When I think of tune-ups I think of my car.  New spark plugs, wires etc.  But when I imagine life, relationships or love tune- ups words like consistency, dependability or reliability come to mind.

What part of your everyday life, relationships or love require a tune-up? I think every now and then it’s good to get an assessment of life to look at what needs tweaking.

Let’s look at the word consistency why it is an important characteristic in our lives. According to the Dictionary consistency as a noun means “Conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy or fairness.”

How does that apply to life? How consistent someone is to a job, career, relationship will build trust. Therefore, consistency builds trust. When an individual is inconsistent, they seem to be haphazard, un-committed or not reliable because you will not be able to depend on them.

Life isn’t fair; life is just life- But when we are working hard and be consistent in our employment or relationships, we are going to build security in the areas needed for stability, dependability and growth.

Consistency is the glue that holds relationships together.  When we are consistent in life, relationships and love our actions, behaviors or practices can be relied on since their proven consistent.

Love isn’t a feeling it is a commitment to an individual and relationship. Commitment involves consistency. Consistency builds stability, security and growth into the relationship. Love increases when life, care and nurture is given to it inside a relationship. And relationships continue to increase when life, laughter, fun and security is placed into them in a consistent way. These are attitudes and behaviors that need to be consistent to reap the blessing of healthiness in their lives and relationships. Consistency is the glue that holds relationships together.

Whether it’s living in general or relationships of all kinds honoring your word is a consistent attitude and conduct to have. This builds your lives and empowers your relationships.

A few words that describe consistency or they are synonyms are stability, steadiness, dependability and reliability.

I personally live by way of the scripture “honor your word even when it hurts.” Which essentially means if you say you’re going to do it, do it. This produces reliability and dependability which produces a healthy mindset in living and relationships.

Here’s where the tune-up takes place.  Take a deep breath and exhale and see your actions, attitudes or words. Now question whether they are consistent to what you want to achieve in life, relationships and love? And if not, what do you have to do to them to make it consistent? Invite God to tell you how to be consistent in life, relationships and love. https://insightsbydrannette.com/integrity/ https://insightsbydrannette.com/do-you-need-clarity/ https://insightsbydrannette.com/little-things-matter/

House vs. Home

Our crawl space was started on November 5th and ended on the 8th.  I was thinking about our house while everything in the family room was covered in plastic.  What a blessing it is to have a place to live.  But is a house a home?

When you have a place to live is that what makes a home?  No, a home is a good relationship.  When you have good healthy relationship, your home is solid.

I once had to live in a church, and I was concerned because I didn’t have a home.  A good friend said to me, “Annette you have a home you and your daughter have a good relationship.  A house is just a building a home is a relationship.”  That statement helped me to put my situation into the right perspective.  A few months later when we returned from a mission trip an apartment became available and we moved.

Through the years I’ve lived in the projects, apartments, houses small and large.  I’ve learned through life a house doesn’t define who I am.

What defines me is my character.  As a child of God Jesus is my identity and how I treat people reflects who I am.

There will always be those who have more than you and those who have less.  But how we walk with people is our legacy not what we own or possess.

Relationships that work through issues are more valuable than gold and silver.  What we own won’t go with us when we die.  But how we treated people, who we were is what will be remembered. 

Work on your relationships because their more valuable than where you live.  What makes a home is a good relationship. 

Treasure Hunters

I love to watch anything about treasure hunting.  The mystery of where is it and how did it get lost fascinates me.

What do you treasure most?  Have you ever thought about the treasures of your heart/soul?  Maybe your wondering what are those treasures?  Some are attitudes, desires, thoughts, values…  this list comes from the book ‘Boundaries in Marriage’ by Dr. H. Cloud and Dr. J. Townsend.  We are responsible for our own treasures.     

What do you consider to be a treasure?  We only have control over our selves such as our abilities to be happy, smile, think, investigate, choices, decisions etc. they are ours.

In the above-mentioned book, it discusses relationships and boundaries.  Healthy relationships don’t complete each other they complement each other.

There is a chapter in the book called “It takes two to make One.”  They state, “Complementing each other means bringing different perspectives, talents, abilities, experiences and other gifts to the relationship and forming a partnership.”

I love that statement because it forces couples to look beyond the statements of, they fulfill me and makes them think about what they bring to the relationship.

They also state in the book, “Completing each other means making up for one’s immaturity as a person.”  Marriage is meant to be a 100-100% going into marriage based on the other person making up your immaturity doesn’t produce a healthy relationship.  We each are responsible for our own character. 

Here are just a few abilities we each must have that are basic human requirements. “They are the ability to: learn and grow, have initiative and drive, say no, be vulnerable and share feelings, grieve, be sexual, be spiritual, be free and not controlled by external or internal factors.”  I recommend reading the book, ‘Boundaries in Marriage.’

If your completeness is dependent on another you will constantly be looking for something, they can’t give you.  Only you can do the work needed to build your esteem and character. 

Boundaries are where you start and stop.  Knowing your own boundaries helps you to choose your responses.  These areas of our life if we don’t evaluate and decide our responses then you’re going to feel overwhelmed.

Making a hard conversation that could back-fire isn’t easy but not addressing an issue is even harder to live with.

I like to have couples that I have worked with look at this list and write what it means to them.  Because we are responsible for our own treasures.  “Your feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love are aspects of your soul.”  Owning your own treasures brings value to your relationships.

The bible describes wisdom as a valuable treasure.  Wisdom gives us the ability to process the knowledge we have with the right choice.  God’s word also tells us that if we ask, God will give us wisdom generously.  To me wisdom is a great and valuable treasure.  

Proverbs 8:10 “For wisdom is better than rubies and all the things one may desire cannot be compared with her.”

Knowing what to do when you need to do it is wisdom.  Start looking at the treasures of your soul and you will begin to understand about yourself and this helps us give from what we have.

I know my identity is in Christ.  He has built me to be healthier and more confident in him and in my life.  To me Jesus is the Wisdom of God.  He will help you look at the treasures of your soul and help you grow in complementing your spouse.

Drawn by loving Kindness

God draws us with loving kindness.

Jeremiah 31:3 “The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore, with loving kindness I have drawn you.”

This was the passage of scripture I was reading and mediating on this morning.

Yesterdays blog was on the Loss art of kindness and yes, I should have said lost but its not lost, missed or stolen. It is a loss in our day and age that kindness even needs to be addressed. Humans need kindness!

Think of it like domesticated animals they thrive on kindness and so do we.

True kindness comes originally from God. His word states, “with loving kindness I have drawn you.” God draws us to him through loving kindness not through harshness, dominance or hate.

He is love and it’s his character to and be love. He leads and guides us in love. His corrections or discipline are done in love. Not to crush you but for your betterment.

When we discipline are children we are supposed to be training and teaching them so that they develop into healthy adults it’s not for punishment. Yes, consequences but consequences need to be equivalent to the disobedience not for revenge or over exaggerated punishment.

In my blog “Healthy Relationships 101” I described what healthy settings are that establish healthy relationships. That blog is for all relationships parent/child, couples, families, friendships etc.

We thrive in empowerment and not control. 

God empowers us to be all he designed us to be through His Son. His loving kindness draws us to him so that His everlasting love can be your constant companion.

Little Things Add up…

started as  bulbs

Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most! Whether it’s in a positive or negative way the little things will add up.

What does that mean? All the little things that have been said or done in relationships add up with either a positive or negative result.

Yes, little things add up in positive ways too.  I thank God for each little positive thing in my relationship’s, life and body. It is a healthier perspective to be grateful in all things especially when you’re going through hard times.

Little things add up concerning relationships also. Couples don’t divorce over one thing most of the time. But usually an accumulation of things begins to add up and pile together and become a larger than life problem.

Once it’s gotten that far the couple will be saying to themselves, I’m sick of this or I’ve had enough. And these words sow into yourself divorce attitude.

Remember it always takes two people to divorce. One person can’t be the savior of the couple only Jesus is the savior. Yes, He can save you and heal a marriage. But since God gave us a will to choose, He will not go against it. We must be willing to change and allow him to do a work in us and our spouse must be willing also.

Another thing to remember is we all have perspectives.  This doesn’t mean our perspectives are right in every situation. So, we need to be teachable to hear others.

Be willing to choose to discuss things, hearing the complaint from the other person helps us to grow. It’s when we are determined we are right, and they are wrong is when we get all defensive. This also leads to a win-lose attitude which is destructive for relationships. I’ve told couples it’s win-win or you both lose because your relationship will suffer.

This is not about abuse in any form. This is the regular irritations, miscommunications or hurts that we don’t deal with. They will add up.

Someone once said I like conflict, I said no I don’t, but I’ve learned through the years what you don’t talk about, address or work through only causes bigger problems.

Therefore, address stuff right away but pick the right time, never is not the right time. Give the person a positive affirmation first, then address the issue or situation.  Don’t bring up the past, address the now. Then end by positive affirmation which means tell them something nice about them.

When we do little positive things for each other it adds up and fills up our good emotion reserves then when one of us does a negative unintentionally it doesn’t cause a serious problem. Little things do add up.

Healthy Relationships 101pt3

As I continue this topic, I want to remind us of the first blog on healthy relationships. I quoted from the book ‘A Christian Perspective ‘Codependency’ by Pat Springle “These are the qualities that people need to become healthy and secure: unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, laughter, fun, a sense of worth, time to work and play together, attention, compassion, comfort, honesty, objectivity, freedom to express emotions appropriately, friendship, freedom to have your own opinion, your own identity, appropriate responsibility, loving correction, affirmation.”

He also stated, “Relationships that are real, genuine, and honest-and that offer the freedom to express true feelings are healthy.”

Many people did not grow up in this environment and it affected their self-esteem. Why is that? Because children internalize everything their parents do. But it’s important to remember that just because as a child you didn’t receive something doesn’t mean you can’t heal and grow as an adult. All of us can learn and grow if we are teachable.

Pat Springle states, “The Lord created and designed the family as the primary environment for our experience of His love and strength. The husband-wife relationship and the parent-child relationship are intended to be reflections and models of our relationship with God. The functions or dysfunction of these relationships shapes each family members view of God and his self-concept.”

The healthy relationship principles/tools for today are Forgiveness, Flexibility and Freedom to express.

A healthy relationship principle/tool is Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice of your will.

Forgiveness means according to the Revell Bible Dictionary, “Forgiveness 1) To pardon or absolve of wrongdoing 2) to cancel a debt 3) to give up resentment.” The bible tells us to forgive. In Colossians 3:13 it states, “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”

How do you forgive? By choice, this doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt it doesn’t mean they were right, it also doesn’t mean what happened to you was ok because it wasn’t.

What forgiveness means is you are giving God the problem to heal you and deal with the hurt, pain or trouble.  Forgiveness is letting go of the retribution you think you deserve.

Forgiveness is trusting God to defend and make changes. Forgiveness is saying I’m canceling the debt you owe me; such as you owe me “I’m sorry…”

Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. God heals us when we choose forgiveness. Un-forgiveness is like a jail cell it keeps you locked up. Jesus died to set us free from the chains, bars and walls that hold us from health and wholeness.  Choose to let go of the resentment and the debt someone owes you and release yourself from the prison of hurt.

Jesus came to set the captive free, we can be held captive when we hold onto unforgiveness; it pollutes our relationships and breeds unhealthy fruits.

Real forgiveness is for you. Since forgiveness is a choice, choose today to forgive and ask God to heal the hurt. You are only responsible to forgive; God is responsible to heal.

Another healthy relationship principle/tool is Flexibility. Why is flexibility on this list you may ask? Because I believe to have healthy relationships, we must be flexible.

Flexible means 1) Capable of being bent or flexed: pliable 2) Susceptible to influence or persuasion: tractable 3) Responsive to change: adaptable. In relationships we must be willing to change a plan and adapt to life’s changes.

People and things change but when we get rigid, we cause a break in our relationships. To stay the longevity of relationships in whatever form friendships, marriage, families or work. Flexibility helps you to survive the ups and downs and turns of life in relationships. Flexibility is a healthy character trait to have.

If you find yourself not flexible, then ask God to show you how to overcome it. Take small steps of change. For example, try a new food choice. Such as food choice someone you know likes… Or watch or go to a sporting event such as your friends or spouse likes. You don’t have to like everything your someone else likes but being flexible and try it for the sake of your relationships.

Flexibility is important.  When plans change and sometimes life changes plans  going with the flow so to speak helps one to not stress. These are the just a few examples of flexibility.

The third healthy relationship principle/tool is Freedom to express. Freedom to express your emotions and personality are essential to healthy relationships.

 Anytime we squash our true feelings or personality it becomes a problem later. Freedom to express is about being true to yourself and allowing your emotions to be expressed. Not in exaggerations but using your voice to express what you feel or think.

True intimacy in relationships is, “being able to safely say what I feel and what I need.” Quote is from Family life skills. As we express ourselves it doesn’t mean everyone will understand or like it. But learning to love yourself enough to express your true feelings, thoughts and personality will produce more freedom and health within your own heart and mind.

Healthy relationship principles/tools are for learning and applying these principles to your life. So that you can learn and grow healthy relationships.

Healthy Relationships 101pt2

We are designed by God for relationship. You could say it’s a part of our DNA. We were created by God for a relationship with him and others. Each one of us has an internal desire to belong, to be wanted, accepted, enjoyed and loved.

In the Book ‘Relationships’ Dr. Les Parrott wrote, “it is only in context of connection with others that our deepest needs can be met. Whether we like it or not, each of us has an unshakable dependence on others.” He also stated, “We need camaraderie, affection, love. We need to belong.” These are needs within each one of us that when unfilled growing up will produce unhealthy ways to get the needs met. But God can heal and restore an individual’s unmet needs.

This blog on healthy relationships is about giving principles/tools to individuals to use to help grow healthy relationships. One person cannot change another person. So, if you’re in an abusive or toxic relationship you can not change that person. Do what you must do to become healthy, you can only work on yourself.

The word relationship means “1) the state or fact of being related 2) connection by blood or marriage: kinship 3) A particular state of affairs among people related to or dealing with one another.”

The right principles/tools can enhance your relationships and keep them healthy and growing. 

Todays principles/tools for healthy relationships are: Commitment, Communication and Comradery.

Commitment means, “the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to an ideal or course of action.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 states, “two are better than one, because they ae a good reward for their labor, 10) For if they fall, ne will life up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls. For he has no one to help him up.”

Unfortunately, we live in a day and age where the word commitment seems to scare people. But rest assured God is committed to us. He loves us with an everlasting love. That is a huge commitment.

We need to commit to our relationships, staying at the relationship and working through difficult times. It takes commitment to push past offenses and hurts. (This does not mean staying in violence or abuse)

Often people will run away from others to avoid being hurt more but when we are committed to the relationship we can forgive and move past the offenses and hurts.  True commitment in relationships means I’m there for you not because of what you can do for me but for what the relationship means to us.

Families can be tough on each other but still their family. That’s what commitment does.   Love is commitment! It is not a feeling.

I Corinthians 13:4-8 “love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5)-does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6)-does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;7)-bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things,8)-love never fails.”

Commitment should be based on choice not feelings. We choose to love, feelings follow choices. So, healthy relationships are based in commitment not feelings. 

Another principle/tool in healthy relationships is Communication. Communication means, “to make known.” “Communication is the process of transmitting ideas and information.” There are many ways to communicate.  Phones, texting, emailing, mail, internet, Facebook, twitter, Instagram etc. But in all these avenues something is being said either through words or pictures to communicate something.

Communication consists of 7% Words; 55% is non-verbal behavior such as facial expressions, arm and body movements/positions; 38% is tone of voice, inflections, how things are said.

Wow! These are astounding statistics if you think about it only 7% of communication are the words you speak! So, something is being communicated even when words are not spoken.

To be a good communicator you need to be a good listener. Listening takes time, to be good at listening you need to hear what is said without thinking what you will say… Good listening takes in the words spoken and the non-verbal being communicated also.

Communication takes in what is being communicated and is then responded to. Sometimes what we say isn’t what we meant. Its important to make sure you understand what the person means. If you don’t know ask.

The third principle/tool for today is Comradery. Comradery is, “a spirit of friendship and community between two people or a group of people.” Some similar words to describe comradery are benevolence, cordiality, friendliness, friendship, goodwill, rapport, charity, generosity, affinity, compassion, empathy, sympathy, chumminess, familiarity, inseparability, intimacy and nearness. That’s a lot of words to describe comradery. Each one has a different aspect of relationship. For sake of space I will not define each. But think for a moment on each one. We can see how comradery is a healthy aspect of relationships.

Tomorrow we continue with healthy relationships 101 pt3.