Tag: Rejection

How to recognize toxic positivity? by Laura Herrera

unrecognizable woman covered with plastic bag

I went through two debilitating chronic diseases for 11 years. During this time there were 17 trips to the ER. I had many failed treatments, went through 10 doctors, had multiple failed surgeries and spent thousands of dollars to get help. I finally found a specialist in New York, states away who rooted out the diseases in two surgeries. As you can imagine I went through an awfully long journey. During this I was often met with hurtful toxic positivity from people. At times, my situation was compared to others because no one could understand what I was going through and thought that comparing stories would help me. I could go on and on with the hurtful phrases I received. Unfortunately, most of them were from well-meaning but misguided Christians. I did not know how to stand up for myself, I felt alone and voiceless. There were many times I went to the bathroom to cry after someone said something hurtful. I would turn inwards and would battle hope. Toxic positivity hurt my relationships with people and with God. I found it hard to open up to others and as a defense mechanism. I in turn carried not only the weight of physical pain, but also emotional pain as well. I now see how that spilled over into my relationship with God as well. I didn’t feel that I could open up to Him for a very long time. I didn’t feel as though what I was going through mattered to Him. 

As Christians we are to build each other up and not tear each other down.

Ephesians 4:2 “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,“

This article is to build you up so that you can recognize toxic positivity.

You may have used toxic positivity and may not realize it. You might use it towards yourself and may not realize it either.  This article is to help you recognize the pattern from others or from yourself.

Now someone doesn’t have to only go through something medical to be on the receiving end of toxic positivity. In our everyday lives we go through pain, suffering or loss. When met with hurtful phrases of any kind no matter what we are going through- it can cause even further pain or damage in our lives.

What is toxic positivity:

Toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. It covers and stifles the vulnerability one shares with another or with themselves and in turn, can cause one to believe that their needs and what they are going through are not worthy to be heard or helped in any manner. It also dispels hope. 

Have you ever experienced a time when you’ve opened up to someone about something personal that you are going through only to be met with hurtful words? Such as- Well, at least you do not have it as bad as….  It could be worse…. It will all be fine… Don’t worry about it…. Always look on the bright side… You’ll get over it… Stay positive…. Everything happens for a reason…

One of my most disliked common expression is, “It could be worse.” Who decides on what makes up ‘as the worst suffering or loss as the worst possible situation? It’s a never-ending ladder to reach the top of who earns the top spot in the worst possible situation. Whatever we are going through we all have needs concerning our situations.  

The damaging power it has:

Again, toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. Shame makes us look inward and think what is wrong with me. Shame also screams I am not worthy. It says, no one really cares.

We don’t have to let someone say, “You are not good enough.” – We don’t have to let others say what we are going through is not good enough to be heard or helped.  Nor should we be compared to what someone else is going through. This can make us feel voiceless and hopeless.

When we are either met with toxic positivity from others or given towards ourselves, we can end up battling in our minds for the right to be heard by people and by God. Do I have the right to be heard? Is my pain big enough to be empathized with by others and by God? Do I have the right to be helped?

When we stifle our own needs and think towards ourselves, “I should just be positive” we harm ourselves. What if we really needed time to process and heal through something emotionally and decided not to since we didn’t allow ourselves to check-in with ourselves? What if we really needed to see a doctor, but we kept telling ourselves, “I’m ok, it’ll get better.”? Can you see, how damage can be done in both scenarios? 

 

Words have power:

There’s life and death in the power of the tongue.

Proverbs 18:21 NIV “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Again, we have the power to uplift or tear one another down and ourselves.

Ask yourself these questions: 

When in my life did I seek help only to find out that what I was going through was devalued by another? How many times have I not spoken up when I was going through something or needed help based on past encounters in life? How has this spilled into my relationship with people in general or with God? Do I ever feel at times what I’m going through shouldn’t be brought up to God because others are going through something worse?

If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, you have faced toxic positivity. Don’t be discouraged, this is the first step to healing from the wounds and effects of it. This week allow yourself to grieve or ponder on how this has made you feel. Journaling is a great idea to pour out any lingering wounds.

I leave you with this prayer until next week’s article on learning what healthy positivity is and how to stand up for yourself. You’ll also learn how to grow in your love for yourself and in your intimacy with God.

Dear God,

Thank you for being with your precious one. Thank you for opening their eyes that toxic positivity has affected their lives. You God can heal these broken hearts and wounds. May you comfort them today in your unfathomable love as they bring any past hurts and pains. May you shed on them grace, comfort, and joy. Thank you for giving them wisdom, guidance and peace. I ask this in Jesus Name.  Amen.

Bio- Laura Herrera

Going through two chronic debilitating diseases for 11 years, being in and out of hospitals and going through multiple doctors and surgeries- Laura now advocates passionately and bridges the gap for those going through the same diseases as she did. Coming from a place of understanding on how chronic diseases can affect all aspects of life; not just including others health, but also their mental wellbeing, finances, family life and relationships in general- she is also passionate about helping those going through any chronic disease. Her articles can be seen on: https://lauraherreratopics.com/

Unhealthy, Toxic or Aggressive People or Healthy, Non-Toxic or Assertive People

When Compassion isn’t Compassion

What is The Difference Between Positivity and Trusting God.

Are You, Your worst enemy?

What does are you your worst enemy mean? It means the way we think affects our life. Our thoughts can trigger emotions and our thoughts left unchecked can become mindsets and strongholds.

When we put ourselves down through unhealthy thinking patterns, we become our worst enemy.  These patterns become automatic, before you realize it you are speaking to your self unhealthy things about yourself, life, and others.

Shame, rejection, bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear are just a few issues that affect our thinking. Abuses are the most common culprit for thinking and feeling bad about yourself. Whether it is from present or past abuse it can affect how one feels and thinks about themself.

As you read this article ask yourself 1) Do I speak negatively about myself when things go wrong? 2) Do I blame myself when things don’t workout the way I think they should? 3) Can I separate my being from my doing?

If you answered yes to those questions, then it is time to refuse the negative narrative you speak to yourself. And allow God to bring healing into those areas of your heart. Being aware of our thoughts and how they affect us is possible when you question your thoughts. Ask yourself where this negative thought is coming from? Ask is it true, is it hurtful then turn the thought around to a positive statement of truth according to the Word of God.

For example: If you think ‘I’m not good enough’ then this thought pattern will stop you from trying new things, meeting new people or changing your life. This type of thought pattern is fueled by worthlessness. To conquer this thought pattern, you must speak the truth to yourself. Yes our behaviors can be wrong but who you are as a human being is valuable. God created us with value and worth because He loves us, He sent His only Begotten Son Jesus to die for us. That means to God you are valuable and worth dying for.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4) For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5) casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ…” This scripture shows us how to take captive thoughts and strongholds that keep us tied up. Unhealthy negative thoughts about yourself are exalting itself against the knowledge of God. Why because God created us in His image.

Here are three areas we become our own worst enemy. 1) Thoughts, become our beliefs when we dwell on them. Thoughts left unchecked will produce emotions. Emotions are just that emotions they are not facts. Same as our opinions they also are not facts. Our perspective can also not be facts. Our opinions and perspective come from our thinking processes. Therefore, thoughts affect our actions.

2) Our behaviors left unrestrained will cause ourselves and others’ problems. My mom would say “Actions speak louder than words.” Which is true but let us add to this statement that ‘actions are thoughts being acted out.’ Usually, we do what we think on if our thoughts are unrestrained. And when we do our actions will affect our outcome. Let us clarify these statements. Unrestrained habitual negative thinking produces unrestrained actions. Actions affect our outcome. The outcome is a product of our thoughts put into actions. The bible says what we sow we reap.

3) In certain situations, our result becomes a product of our actions. We cannot control what others do or every circumstance that happens in life. But keeping in context to this article certain results come from our own unhealthy thinking patterns and actions.

When I was younger my thoughts would make me feel less than others but as I allowed the Spirit of God to teach me according to God’s Word who I am in Christ, He healed the inferiority thoughts. I wrote in my book “The Father’s Daughters” on somethings that I went through. We do not have to be our own worst enemy. There is enough problems in life we don’t have to help beat ourselves up.

We do need to admit when we are at fault or when our behavior is wrong and sinful. When we have repented and ask for forgiveness God does forgive us. 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  We then need to forgive ourselves and walk in His truth.

I do recommend you read the Bible daily. God’s word is truth of who He is and who you are in Him. I also recommend the book “The Father’s Daughters.”  God wants to set His people free so that we can love others as we love ourselves. Jesus died so that we could be free in all areas of our lives.

Amazon.com: The Father’s Daughters: Affirmation, Acceptance and Affection (9798705629275): Melton, Dr. Annette: Books

Three Things to Ponder in the Garden Experience?

olive fruits on tree branches

Recently while reading in John G. Lakes devotional, I had this impression. In the garden Adam surrenders his obedience by choosing to disobey and eat of the fruit of good and evil. On that day he died spiritually, his will choose his own way, not God’s way.

But Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane laid down his will to choose the Fathers will. Three times he prayed to the Father, for the cup to pass and three times He said, “not my will, but your will be done.” In the garden Jesus wins back for us what Adam gave up. On the cross Jesus dies for us, for our sins. He carried the sins in his body as he died for us on a cross, tortured, beaten, bruised, and blooded he walked to His death on the cross.

So, the question for us is what is your garden experience? Three things to ponder what is God asking you to surrender?

First, when we surrender something to God there is an exchange although we may not realize it at first but there is an exchange. So often we get focused on what we want that the surrender becomes more about what we are giving up than what we gain.

But if we do as this scripture shows looking unto Jesus who surrendered it all we too can surrender whatever God is asking us to give over to Him.

Hebrews 12:2 “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” He sits at the right of the Father, and He is coming back for His bride.

Secondly, a garden experience can reveal not everyone with you is for you. The pain of rejection can affect us all differently, but one thing is sure we all experience rejection in one form or another. Who better to understand this than Jesus? It was in the garden He was betrayed by a friend’s kiss. If you are experiencing the sting of rejection, give it to Jesus who understands the sting and pain rejection causes. He heals the brokenhearted.

Thirdly, a garden experience can reveal ourselves. Times of surrender or trails can show us what is inside us and how we think. It is not a time to self-condemn but a time of self-awareness. Which means it can be a time to recognize our weaknesses, faults and allow God to change us. This becomes a time of growth.

We see Jesus’ character come through the garden experience of surrender, betrayal, and false accusations with humility, silence and willingly went to cross.

Let the garden experience of life grow you in your walk with Christ. Choose God’s way and not your own.

What Are The Three ‘Starting Over’ Factors?

Why do we get overwhelmed when we have to start over? Some people can embrace starting over easier than others. What outlook do you have? I don’t think we are ever too old to learn something new.

First factor of ‘starting over’ may be defined by the circumstances. Sometimes things happen in life, and we need a ‘start over.’ Starting over can be a simple job to a life change. Whatever you’re facing on the ‘starting over’ is not going to take you down but this can produce growth and health if you allow it.

God promises to go through trials with us. In Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you, When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.”

How we view our situations and circumstances can affect our abilities in wanting to move on. Setbacks, delays, failures do not define us they are just things we go through. Allow God to grow you in your ‘starting over’ season.

Second factor of starting over is ‘facing fear.’ There are all kinds of fears when starting over, such as fear of being alone, of the unknown, of rejection. Fear of not being loved, appreciated or of being hurt, not accepted etc. Everyone faces unknow aspects when they face a ‘start over.’ From the simplest task to a major life change. Overcoming the fear by speaking truths to yourself is extremely helpful.

In Isaiah 43:1 “…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.” God tells us fear not because He knows He is going with. You are not alone even if it feels like it.    

My husband and I are in a start over season we are entering a ‘ministerial internship program’ in our sixties. It is exciting and a little overwhelming for both of us. But I am thankful for the opportunity, and I know God is guiding us in this. Therefore, He will provide us with the grace to implement and finish it.

No matter what we face if we put our trust in God and allow Him to work in our lives we will learn, grow and mature.

Third factor in starting over is growth. Growth comes in many forms. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual growth are good but not always fun. Embrace life where you are at and ask God for help. He is always working on growing us into Christlikeness. God cares about every aspect in your life and will walk you through and produce growth in you as you surrender the cares, worries and fears to Him.

Speak truth to yourself you will make it, you will learn and grow.

Blessings,

Dr. Annette

Contact Dr. Annette

Why Forgiveness is a key?

Forgiveness

Why don’t we forgive? What is the benefit of forgiveness? In my blog post ‘the three things about Mercy” I wrote on forgiveness being an aspect of mercy. As I was in prayer, I sensed writing on forgiveness again. I think we need to go deeper in our understanding of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not agreement with the offender. Forgiveness does not say it was ok to hurt me. But what it does do is release you from the hurt of the offense, pain or suffering emotionally and mentally. When we stay in the offense in our thoughts we are captured by the painful memories, and we tend to replay them repeatedly. This just causes more pain daily. You could call it beating yourself up with mental replays of events concerning the offense, hurt and pain. Eventually it will be more difficult to stop replaying the hurt unless you repress it which opens the door to more inner problems tormenting you.

I know that forgiveness can be difficult for traumatic events, rejections and suffering. But forgiveness is a key that opens the door to freedom in your mind and body. The key to forgiveness must be turned to release you from the mental anguish. When we hold onto people that have hurt us and we pretend it did not hurt it just plays revolving thoughts of the hurt in our minds.

But forgiveness is still a key of choice. We choose to forgive when we willingly process the hurt and ask God to heal our the mind and heart. Forgiveness is the blessing that releases you from the suffering and thoughts of turmoil. Real or imagined pain and hurt must be let go of to move on and be healed.

This does not imply you have to stay and be abused or violated. In no way does forgiveness mean any person has the right to abuse, torture or hurt another person. It simply means the mental aspect of it which lingers after traumatic events can be healed. It starts with dealing with the trauma and getting the pain out so that you can process it, forgive and be free.

Today is the day to choose to forgive and be free. Should I forgive? The Rejection Connection

What is conditional and unconditional love?

Since I have been writing about love this month, I thought a more detailed description of conditional and unconditional love would be appropriate. The word conditional means “subject to one or more conditions or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms.” Unconditional means “not subject to any conditions.” In the book ‘The Father’s Daughters’ I discuss conditional and unconditional love. God’s love is unconditional, but mankind loves conditionally at times.

How do we know if we are walking in conditional or unconditional love? The answer may be in what you’re expecting in return for your love. Unconditional love has no expectations on its love. When there is love given in expectations of returns then the conditions can set you up for resentments. “The higher your expectations are the greater your resentments will be.”

I was blessed to have a mother who loved us unconditionally. She was affirming and accepting. She wasn’t perfect because no one is perfect but God. She taught us how to accept the differences in others I think her disability was a visual for me to know people treat others differently. But I learned to recognize differences without judgements. The outward appearance isn’t as important as the inward character. Love based in anything outward isn’t real love it’s conditional and no one can thrive in conditional love.  

Children who are loved for just being your child grow up able to accept God’s love for them but when they are conditioned that when they do right, they are loved and when they do wrong, they are not loved it produces all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanism. Such as perfectionism, performance orientation , shame, rejection, they become critical of themselves and others and the list go on.

But what is God’s requirement for His love? Most people would answer do good, be kind etc. But is that His requirement or is that mans? The bible states, in 1 John “God is love.” This can be a hard concept for those who were conditioned by acceptance of works. God loves us unconditionally he doesn’t dis-love because you don’t do everything perfectly.

I think we confuse consequences for behaviors as His not loving you, but the truth is, He still loves you despite your behaviors. Consequences are a necessary learning tool it helps us to recognize mistakes, sin and shows love. The Holy Spirit will convict us of sin but if we don’t repent and turn, he allows the consequences to wake us up. That is love!

If you were raised in conditional love, there is hope and healing for you to receive God’s unconditional love. He loved us so much he sent Jesus to die for our sins before we were even born. Who dies for someone before they even exist? Jesus did. Love is a four-letter word that can bring us joy or pain. Today let the love of God heal your pain and replace it with His Love. He truly does love you unconditionally.

Root of Rejection…

Everyone faces rejection although some do not respond well to it. When you have a root of rejection it manages to override our perspective on situations. Have you ever stepped into a room and felt unaccepted or unseen? That is derived from the unhealthy roots of rejection.

What is rejection? According to Webster’s Dictionary: “rejection means 1) to refuse to accept, recognize, or make use of: Repudiate 2) to refuse to consider or grant: Deny 3) To ruse affection or recognition to (a person) 4) To throw away: discard” “syn: reject, decline, dismiss, refuse, spurn, turn down, Core meaning: v. To be unwilling to accept, consider or receive.”

When rejection is the root/stronghold in our minds and the heart it can produce a devastating impact on the psyche. Roots as well as their strongholds are developed early in life created by the trauma, abuses, neglect, abandonment etc. Anyone of these will be able to and do produce the root of rejection in an individual where they feel and believe no one likes or wants me. This root/stronghold clouds the person from believing their accepted, loved and cherished. One may even reject themselves from any number of reasons.

In the blog post “the Rejection Connection” I gave three different ways people handle rejection. The third way is to identify it, let it out, forgive and move on. 

This post is information about the root of rejection. When we have a root of rejection our perceptions are cloudy. It’s harder and harder to see clearly that the rejection may not always be personal. Therefore, it is vital to get a healthy reality viewpoint from a trusted individual.

A root of rejection may be uprooted as well as healed by God. When we have the root/stronghold of rejection the fear of rejection is overwhelming.  God sent Jesus to defeat all our unhealthy roots and by His mighty name I uproot rejection and plant his seeds of unfailing love in your hearts and minds today.

My prayer for you today is, that Our Heavenly Father wrap you in His loving arms and uproot rejection and shame and you begin to sense His love and acceptance for you through Christ Jesus.  May He by His Holy Spirit quicken you to know He’s uprooting roots of rejection and healing whatever caused rejection in your life and the rejection is broken off of you now by the power of God and all fear of rejection is loosed off of you in Jesus name. I pray you begin to sense freedom to love and except yourself and others.

https://insightsbydrannette.com/the-rejection-connection/

https://insightsbydrannette.com/beauty-for-ashes/

https://insightsbydrannette.com/three-areas-of-rejection/

The Rejection Connection

The Rejection Connection 

 

We all face rejection. I don’t think it’s a matter of if but when. There are different forms of rejection but it’s still rejection. It can sting in your heart and play with your mind if you let it.

Some people can shake rejection off easier than others but in the end most of us if not all of us have faced rejection in our lives.

Rejection is part of conflicts and most people try to avoid conflicts. I don’t think anyone likes rejection either.

But what do you do when you’re faced with it? The truth is you have choices and these choices will determine your attitude and outcome through rejection.

The first way some people handle rejection is, to wallow in it and retaliate. If you allow yourself to wallow and retaliate it will cause you more rejection. It puts you in a harder place to heal because unforgiveness will grow deeper. This is not a healthy way to deal with rejection.

The second way some people handle rejection is, to run away and build walls. Running away from the hurt and building a wall so you won’t feel rejection only makes you hard hearted and bitter. Bitterness will grow and effect all your relationships. This also is not a healthy way to deal with rejection.

The third way some people handle rejection is, to identify it, let it out, forgive and move on.

To identify it means recognize the anxiety, hurt or frustration over the rejection. Let it out means talk to someone or journal the hurt and release the emotion of it, cry if need be. Then choose to forgive who or what ever the cause of rejection is. Moving on after the rejection is dealt with will feel like freedom to you. This is the healthy way to deal with rejection.

But, if your struggling with rejection stop for a moment and think about this scripture.

Isaiah 53:2-5 “For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, and as a root out of dry ground.” Maybe it feels like a dry place. “He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, there is no beauty that we should desire Him.” Means not handsome, nothing in his appearance would attract you to him. 3- “He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” He understands rejection to its deepest hurt. “And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him”  Everyone forsake him.   4-“Surely He as borne our grief’s and carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted.”  He was stricken and smitten for us.  5-“But He was wounded for our transgression, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by his stripes we are healed.” 

Wow!  Jesus went through severe rejection by not only the Jewish leaders but by all even his closest friends and family. So, if your struggling over rejection call on the Lord to help you through the rejection and give him the hurt and He will heal you.  Choose forgiveness and peace and healing today.

The rejection connection is we all face it.  The choice is yours choosing the right way to handle it produces freedom.