Tag: perfectionism

What is conditional and unconditional love?

Since I have been writing about love this month, I thought a more detailed description of conditional and unconditional love would be appropriate. The word conditional means “subject to one or more conditions or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms.” Unconditional means “not subject to any conditions.” In the book ‘The Father’s Daughters’ I discuss conditional and unconditional love. God’s love is unconditional, but mankind loves conditionally at times.

How do we know if we are walking in conditional or unconditional love? The answer may be in what you’re expecting in return for your love. Unconditional love has no expectations on its love. When there is love given in expectations of returns then the conditions can set you up for resentments. “The higher your expectations are the greater your resentments will be.”

I was blessed to have a mother who loved us unconditionally. She was affirming and accepting. She wasn’t perfect because no one is perfect but God. She taught us how to accept the differences in others I think her disability was a visual for me to know people treat others differently. But I learned to recognize differences without judgements. The outward appearance isn’t as important as the inward character. Love based in anything outward isn’t real love it’s conditional and no one can thrive in conditional love.  

Children who are loved for just being your child grow up able to accept God’s love for them but when they are conditioned that when they do right, they are loved and when they do wrong, they are not loved it produces all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanism. Such as perfectionism, performance orientation , shame, rejection, they become critical of themselves and others and the list go on.

But what is God’s requirement for His love? Most people would answer do good, be kind etc. But is that His requirement or is that mans? The bible states, in 1 John “God is love.” This can be a hard concept for those who were conditioned by acceptance of works. God loves us unconditionally he doesn’t dis-love because you don’t do everything perfectly.

I think we confuse consequences for behaviors as His not loving you, but the truth is, He still loves you despite your behaviors. Consequences are a necessary learning tool it helps us to recognize mistakes, sin and shows love. The Holy Spirit will convict us of sin but if we don’t repent and turn, he allows the consequences to wake us up. That is love!

If you were raised in conditional love, there is hope and healing for you to receive God’s unconditional love. He loved us so much he sent Jesus to die for our sins before we were even born. Who dies for someone before they even exist? Jesus did. Love is a four-letter word that can bring us joy or pain. Today let the love of God heal your pain and replace it with His Love. He truly does love you unconditionally.

How is your day going?

Have you ever had one of those days where it starts out great and mid-way it takes a turn towards stress Ville? Well truth be told I think we all can relate to those days.

Some days are sunlit others raining, cold, foggy. Every day is not easy and has challenges but when your life is not based on your day you come through the challenges with growth. If you base your day on certain outcomes, then you’re setting yourself up for hurt and failure.

We all need goals to set to get things done but giving ourselves grace to carry out what you want and need to get done and leaving what is not for another day without guilt is healthy living.

Guilt just weighs you down it adds stress that we just do not need to put on ourselves. There are enough things that can cause stress but adding it to yourself is counterproductive. There is a difference between guilt and conviction. Conviction leads us to repentance and change. But guilt causes internal feelings and thoughts of less, not good enough, feeling of condemnation thoughts of not measuring up. Knowing the difference helps one to be free to enjoy your day as you walk along the day.

When we do wrong, we need to recognize by admitting it repent and ask for forgiveness. And do not do it again. But guilt is different it is a pervasive feeling of not measuring up to a standard one has put on themselves or by others. It can manifest in standards of all kinds, time, behavior, feeling, opinions etc. It is a grueling task master. Usually, its root is in performance orientation or perfectionism.

So, if you’re feeling it’s a bad day ask yourself why? If your why is based in feelings, then ask yourself what is the feeling I’m having based in? That answer will help you to recognize if it is guilt, based in performance. Then give yourself permission to make mistakes, lower expectations etc. God gives us grace it is time to apply that to yourself.

How is your day I asked? To me everyday is a good in the Lord. Last night we had found a mouse in the house, he ate a hole in the dogs’ food. Then a little later I reached up to put the pepper grinder in the cabinet it fell, broke and shattered on the floor and lots of peppercorn was all over the kitchen. I was tired but it did not change my day or mood because accidents happen. We had company for dinner too.

Give yourself permission to enjoy each day no matter what goes on around you and you will feel less stressed.