Tag: marriage

What Are The Three ABCs of Marriage?

The ABCs of marriage suggests to me what is 123 of sequence. What makes a marriage work well? How does love really work in marriage? What constitutes a good marriage to you? Sometimes people enter marriage through preconceived ideas and then when their idea of love will not go the way they think or feel it should they get disillusioned. We can set ourselves up for success or failure in relationships through presuppositions. Learning basic relational tools is so important for marriage. I think couples need premarital or post marital counsel. This is important because communication is essential to a healthy relationship.  

The A of ABCs in marriage is for Attraction. When people fall in love it first starts with attraction, but attraction alone will not carry a marriage. Attraction is something you do not choose but you sense, but you do not have to act on it. If the character of the individual is not pure walk away. I think when we sense attraction it is because we like the look, style or personality of the person etc. but that is not love it is just attraction.

When people put too much emphasis on attraction as if it is love and then when they no longer feel attracted, they think ‘they fell out of love.’ Real love is not a feeling it is a choice with a commitment. There is no such thing as falling out of love. The truth is we choose to not continue. When trust is broken, and meaningful communication is absent then intimacy is neglected, the individual no longer wants to continue.

Please do not miss understand there are reasons for divorce such as adultery or abuses of all forms and these are not what I am writing about today. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a reality and should not be, but it is. I always add this because if you are reading this blog and being abused reach out to a shelter in your area. My heart goes out to anyone who has been or is being abused in any form. The mental, emotional, and physical aspects of abuse are very real and painful.

The B of ABCs stands for ‘becoming best friends.’ I personally think a couple can withstand the ups and downs of life when God is first in their life, and they have developed a strong friendship. Think of what a good friend is to you and become a good friend to your spouse. A good friend wants what’s best for you and looks to support in your talents. Gets excited with you in new challenges. Spends time with you but not exclusively. A good friend does not try to keep you away from others. A good friend does not get jealous of you having friends. Anytime we get controlled over our relationships we tend to push the other person away. Healthy relationships give the other person freedom to have friends and family time without negative feelings. Couples can be great friends to each other. Marriage isn’t a competition it is a journey together.

The C in the ABCs of marriage is a Covenant relationship. A covenant relationship is a physical, spiritual commitment to each other in the presence of God and witnesses. In a marriage the covenant relationship is between a man, woman and God as seen in the scripture. When Christ is first in the couple’s life, they understand they are not alone in life or within their marriage. The Bible tells us that marriage is a covenant relationship. In Genesis 2:18 “And the LORD God said, “it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

Genesis 2:21-24 “And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. 23 And Adam said: This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall be one flesh.”

In this passage of scripture, a man and women are joined together as one flesh. The marriage covenant is blessed and special. It is so important for the couple to protect their marriage. A few ways in protecting your marriage are to be aware of the time stealers or other people’s assumptions of your time. While raising your children remember to give your relationship time to be alone. Learn to work for the good of the marriage not self-gratification.

In the ABCs of marriage is a progression of the relationship. The couple starts their journey with attraction but moves forward in becoming best friends and then committing to one another in marriage. Enjoy your journey together!

 I saw this picture on Facebook, it reminds us of the little things in marriage do matter.

Treasure Hunters

I love to watch anything about treasure hunting.  The mystery of where is it and how did it get lost fascinates me.

What do you treasure most?  Have you ever thought about the treasures of your heart/soul?  Maybe your wondering what are those treasures?  Some are attitudes, desires, thoughts, values…  this list comes from the book ‘Boundaries in Marriage’ by Dr. H. Cloud and Dr. J. Townsend.  We are responsible for our own treasures.     

What do you consider to be a treasure?  We only have control over our selves such as our abilities to be happy, smile, think, investigate, choices, decisions etc. they are ours.

In the above-mentioned book, it discusses relationships and boundaries.  Healthy relationships don’t complete each other they complement each other.

There is a chapter in the book called “It takes two to make One.”  They state, “Complementing each other means bringing different perspectives, talents, abilities, experiences and other gifts to the relationship and forming a partnership.”

I love that statement because it forces couples to look beyond the statements of, they fulfill me and makes them think about what they bring to the relationship.

They also state in the book, “Completing each other means making up for one’s immaturity as a person.”  Marriage is meant to be a 100-100% going into marriage based on the other person making up your immaturity doesn’t produce a healthy relationship.  We each are responsible for our own character. 

Here are just a few abilities we each must have that are basic human requirements. “They are the ability to: learn and grow, have initiative and drive, say no, be vulnerable and share feelings, grieve, be sexual, be spiritual, be free and not controlled by external or internal factors.”  I recommend reading the book, ‘Boundaries in Marriage.’

If your completeness is dependent on another you will constantly be looking for something, they can’t give you.  Only you can do the work needed to build your esteem and character. 

Boundaries are where you start and stop.  Knowing your own boundaries helps you to choose your responses.  These areas of our life if we don’t evaluate and decide our responses then you’re going to feel overwhelmed.

Making a hard conversation that could back-fire isn’t easy but not addressing an issue is even harder to live with.

I like to have couples that I have worked with look at this list and write what it means to them.  Because we are responsible for our own treasures.  “Your feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love are aspects of your soul.”  Owning your own treasures brings value to your relationships.

The bible describes wisdom as a valuable treasure.  Wisdom gives us the ability to process the knowledge we have with the right choice.  God’s word also tells us that if we ask, God will give us wisdom generously.  To me wisdom is a great and valuable treasure.  

Proverbs 8:10 “For wisdom is better than rubies and all the things one may desire cannot be compared with her.”

Knowing what to do when you need to do it is wisdom.  Start looking at the treasures of your soul and you will begin to understand about yourself and this helps us give from what we have.

I know my identity is in Christ.  He has built me to be healthier and more confident in him and in my life.  To me Jesus is the Wisdom of God.  He will help you look at the treasures of your soul and help you grow in complementing your spouse.

Little Things Add up…

started as  bulbs

Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most! Whether it’s in a positive or negative way the little things will add up.

What does that mean? All the little things that have been said or done in relationships add up with either a positive or negative result.

Yes, little things add up in positive ways too.  I thank God for each little positive thing in my relationship’s, life and body. It is a healthier perspective to be grateful in all things especially when you’re going through hard times.

Little things add up concerning relationships also. Couples don’t divorce over one thing most of the time. But usually an accumulation of things begins to add up and pile together and become a larger than life problem.

Once it’s gotten that far the couple will be saying to themselves, I’m sick of this or I’ve had enough. And these words sow into yourself divorce attitude.

Remember it always takes two people to divorce. One person can’t be the savior of the couple only Jesus is the savior. Yes, He can save you and heal a marriage. But since God gave us a will to choose, He will not go against it. We must be willing to change and allow him to do a work in us and our spouse must be willing also.

Another thing to remember is we all have perspectives.  This doesn’t mean our perspectives are right in every situation. So, we need to be teachable to hear others.

Be willing to choose to discuss things, hearing the complaint from the other person helps us to grow. It’s when we are determined we are right, and they are wrong is when we get all defensive. This also leads to a win-lose attitude which is destructive for relationships. I’ve told couples it’s win-win or you both lose because your relationship will suffer.

This is not about abuse in any form. This is the regular irritations, miscommunications or hurts that we don’t deal with. They will add up.

Someone once said I like conflict, I said no I don’t, but I’ve learned through the years what you don’t talk about, address or work through only causes bigger problems.

Therefore, address stuff right away but pick the right time, never is not the right time. Give the person a positive affirmation first, then address the issue or situation.  Don’t bring up the past, address the now. Then end by positive affirmation which means tell them something nice about them.

When we do little positive things for each other it adds up and fills up our good emotion reserves then when one of us does a negative unintentionally it doesn’t cause a serious problem. Little things do add up.