Tag: love

What Are The Three ABCs of Marriage?

The ABCs of marriage suggests to me what is 123 of sequence. What makes a marriage work well? How does love really work in marriage? What constitutes a good marriage to you? Sometimes people enter marriage through preconceived ideas and then when their idea of love will not go the way they think or feel it should they get disillusioned. We can set ourselves up for success or failure in relationships through presuppositions. Learning basic relational tools is so important for marriage. I think couples need premarital or post marital counsel. This is important because communication is essential to a healthy relationship.  

The A of ABCs in marriage is for Attraction. When people fall in love it first starts with attraction, but attraction alone will not carry a marriage. Attraction is something you do not choose but you sense, but you do not have to act on it. If the character of the individual is not pure walk away. I think when we sense attraction it is because we like the look, style or personality of the person etc. but that is not love it is just attraction.

When people put too much emphasis on attraction as if it is love and then when they no longer feel attracted, they think ‘they fell out of love.’ Real love is not a feeling it is a choice with a commitment. There is no such thing as falling out of love. The truth is we choose to not continue. When trust is broken, and meaningful communication is absent then intimacy is neglected, the individual no longer wants to continue.

Please do not miss understand there are reasons for divorce such as adultery or abuses of all forms and these are not what I am writing about today. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a reality and should not be, but it is. I always add this because if you are reading this blog and being abused reach out to a shelter in your area. My heart goes out to anyone who has been or is being abused in any form. The mental, emotional, and physical aspects of abuse are very real and painful.

The B of ABCs stands for ‘becoming best friends.’ I personally think a couple can withstand the ups and downs of life when God is first in their life, and they have developed a strong friendship. Think of what a good friend is to you and become a good friend to your spouse. A good friend wants what’s best for you and looks to support in your talents. Gets excited with you in new challenges. Spends time with you but not exclusively. A good friend does not try to keep you away from others. A good friend does not get jealous of you having friends. Anytime we get controlled over our relationships we tend to push the other person away. Healthy relationships give the other person freedom to have friends and family time without negative feelings. Couples can be great friends to each other. Marriage isn’t a competition it is a journey together.

The C in the ABCs of marriage is a Covenant relationship. A covenant relationship is a physical, spiritual commitment to each other in the presence of God and witnesses. In a marriage the covenant relationship is between a man, woman and God as seen in the scripture. When Christ is first in the couple’s life, they understand they are not alone in life or within their marriage. The Bible tells us that marriage is a covenant relationship. In Genesis 2:18 “And the LORD God said, “it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

Genesis 2:21-24 “And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. 23 And Adam said: This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall be one flesh.”

In this passage of scripture, a man and women are joined together as one flesh. The marriage covenant is blessed and special. It is so important for the couple to protect their marriage. A few ways in protecting your marriage are to be aware of the time stealers or other people’s assumptions of your time. While raising your children remember to give your relationship time to be alone. Learn to work for the good of the marriage not self-gratification.

In the ABCs of marriage is a progression of the relationship. The couple starts their journey with attraction but moves forward in becoming best friends and then committing to one another in marriage. Enjoy your journey together!

 I saw this picture on Facebook, it reminds us of the little things in marriage do matter.

The Three C’s of Marriage

Good marriages don’t just happen the individuals work together to make the relationship good. A good marriage is a growing and changing entity. Marriages thrive when we surrender to walking in love, forgiveness and submission to one another. We do this by surrendering our pride, selfishness, and control.

The word submission alone makes individuals nervous due to the extremes people have used with this word. An abusive person will use this word to control and manipulate their spouse. But that’s not how God intended these passages to work.

I look at this word as a mutual surrendering of individuals abilities, strengths and weaknesses. My husband and I have different strengths and weaknesses and we willingly lean on each other in our strengths and weaknesses. Marriage is not a competition it is a mutual covenant of commitment, care and correction. Let’s look at the three C’s of marriage.

The first C of marriage is commitment. Because marriage is covenant relationship it must be entered into with a wholehearted commitment. A covenant is an agreement between two parties. But marriage is also a spiritual covenant between the man, woman and God. God created marriage, it’s a living entity. When a couple puts their marriage in God’s hand and Christ is the center of that marriage their union will be blessed. In premarital counseling I like to teach couples that marriage is a priority. You cannot sustain a marriage and live just for yourself.

The second C of marriage is care/caring. When we care we think of what the other person needs. We express care in many ways with understanding, compassion, and interest. Kindness goes along way in a relationship. Putting someone else’s need instead of your own needs is essential in a healthy vibrant relationship. There is a give and take in a good marriage. Showing thankfulness is also a way of caring. Good manners are a better way to talk to your spouse, please and thank you go a long way. It is a form of respect toward each other.   

The third C of marriage is correction. Yes, correction. When we walk in humility, we can see we are not always right. Correction for me means I’m willing to change or correct the imperfections, weaknesses or faults that I need changing. Jesus said, “get the plank out of your own eye first.” Unfortunately, when we get focused on our spouses’ faults, we lose sight of our own and then we start to compare their faults to our righteousness. But ‘our own righteousness is as fifthly rags’ according to the bible so don’t compare your works to your spouses.

Remember marriage is not a competition nor is it a race. It’s a lifelong journey so enjoy the journey with your spouse.

What is love supposed to look like?

Well, I think it depends on the type of love as I wrote in my last blog post ‘What is love?’ I’ve been pondering on 1 Corinthians description of love. Most of us can quote it we have heard it spoken in marriage services and in sermons. But quoting it is easy, living it is where the rubber meets the road.

First let me say, this passage was written to the Corinthian church not about marriage but about the gifts of the spirit and unity of the body. So therefore, it is an essential element for all of us to consider in how we deal with others. You see if you can speak in tongues but can’t walk in love then you’re like a sounding cymbal just a loud noise the bible says. Or if you prophesy but have not love then it’s worth nothing. ‘Love one another’ is a key to walking in Christ. So, what does love look like?

1 Corinthian 13:4-8 states, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5-does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6-does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7-bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8-love never fails.”

We are one body Jesus is the head of the body, so it is important to understand that we need to walk like he did in love. Love is not weak or enabling love is the character of God.

God is not an enabler he won’t excuse your unruly behavior because he loves us enough to give us consequences, so we repent and learn his way. His love is longsuffering but don’t ever take it for granted that just because you got away with it for now doesn’t mean you will get away with it forever. Real love gives consequences for wrong behavior. As parents we instruct our children through their choices and consequences. That is called discipline. Discipline is training it’s not punishment. Love trains a child.

As I’m reading through the bible, I see just how Holy and precise God is in His details. The bible says God is love, He doesn’t just love He is love, it’s his being.

So, as we are thinking on how love looks, acts or thinks lets look at different aspects of 1 Corinthians 13 love. First it suffers long and is kind, what does that mean? I think it means patience and kindness while you wait. Sometimes we can be impatient and unkind while we wait for change, answers etc. Most of us want it now not later. But waiting is good for us sometimes because it develops character and maturity.

Love does not envy. Envy is wanting what another has with discontent with what you have. Envy becomes a grueling task master because it is never satisfied. But love appreciates when someone else has or is getting and is happy for them.

Love does not parade itself. Parade puts on a show, be genuine in your actions with others it’s not about how great we are it’s about compassion and kindness. Parade to me means we don’t have to tell everyone what we’ve done for someone it’s their testimony let them tell it. Don’t self-promote let someone else tell your good qualities. Unless you’re applying for a job then it’s the right time to tell your qualities.

Love is not puffed up. Puffed up to me is pride, pride opens a door to destruction. It’s what the bible described, ‘pride before a fall’. Its love to not believe that you are better than another. Remember once you are elevated in a promotion to stay humble so that pride doesn’t enter. It’s not wrong to excel God gives promotion. It’s a heart attitude that puffs you up.

Love does not behave rudely. Rude is ‘short, brief or abrupt’. Most of us don’t try to be rude but if we are stressed, overburdened we may come off in rudeness. It doesn’t excuse it but recognize your fault and say you’re sorry.

Love does not seek its own. In this it does not always look for it’s own way. Love is open to other opinions and ways of doing things. Why because opinions are just opinions not facts. It doesn’t always have to be our way of doing it. But it should be God’s way always.

Love is not provoked. Provoked means ‘stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion. Typically, a strong or unwelcome one) in someone’. Love weighs its response, it doesn’t react. When we react, we have triggered? To overcome this, understand the why you triggered and let God heal it.

Love thinks no evil. This goes to the core of our thought life. We may not say it but if we are thinking it its eventually coming out of our mouth. Evil here does not stand for the dark side it is the bad, unloving, thoughts we think about someone. How we think affects us in a lot of ways. Look for the best in people.

Love does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth. Love doesn’t back iniquity, wrong behaviors, or injustice but it loves righteousness and truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Since the apostle was writing to the church it’s important to remember churches are made of people. People are different and we need to bear all things in love. Obviously not abuse but the differences need to be endured. Be patient and kind and let God fix what needs to be changed.

We can believe the best for situations and trust God with the things we do not understand. Hope is essential for life and believing God will work out the stuff. It says love endures all things. I think of the hardships people go through in starting business, groups, churches etc. and if they had quit there would not be the business, group or churches. Love never fails.

Let’s be like Jesus and love like He did.

What is love?

Love is such an essential element in our lives. So much so mankind dedicated a day in February to it for couples. But God loves us 24/7 365 days a year for eternity.

His love is faithful, powerful and healing. It is a restorative love; we can’t earn it, nor do we deserve it, but He freely loves us.

The bible describes distinct kinds of love through the Greek language such as ‘Philia love’ it is the brotherly love ( friendship/brotherly). For your friends, family etc. this type of love is shown in affection, and companionship. It’s the type of love we show our family even when we don’t like something they are doing.

The word ‘Storge love’ is empathy love. This Greek word shows love through compassion and empathy. Although this word is not in the bible Jesus showed this love many times when it said he had compassion on them and healed them or feed them. We can have empathy love for people we do not know or do know. It is still a form of love. The old testament tells us in Isaiah that God feels our infirmities. That is the same as empathy love. When Jesus was moved with compassion, he empathized with the hurting and sick among him, he felt their pain and hurt.  

There is the ‘Eros love’ which is the Greek word for romance love. The valentine day love. This type of love is sexual attraction. It is emotionally and physically based.  

And then there is ‘Agape love’ God’s love. The Greek word agape love is unconditional. The perfect love, no conditions. This is the kind of love that laid down its life for us. Jesus loved us unconditionally before we knew Him, he died for us. The bible says nothing separates us from his love. Yes, you read it right nothing. Most of us at first do not understand that type of love because we live in a world of conditions. But nevertheless, it is God’s love, and he does love us unconditionally.

But that does not mean there are not consequences for sin or disobedience. There are physical and spiritual laws that if we break them there are consequences but just because you endure a consequence does not mean God does not love you. It just means you are reaping from something you sowed.

So, as we approach valentine’s day tell the one you are romantic with Happy Valentines’ day! But remember that love has expressions through actions. Show love towards your fellow man with ‘philia love’ and have ‘storge love’ for those who are hurting but most importantly let God’s agape love flow through you to all.  

What is a good relationship?

What does it take to have a good relationship? Whether it is marital, friendship, or family there are some qualities that exist in good relationships.

The first vital quality of a good relationship is honesty. Honesty gives security for any relationship it builds trust. Without honesty trust will be lacking. Without trust there will be no security in the relationship.

The second quality of good relationships is love. Love is a quality not based upon performance but on commitment to the relationship. Commitment is necessary for the relationship to thrive. Commitment is the adhesive in love for relationships.  The bible states in I Corinthians 13:4-8 “What is love it is patient, kind, it is not envious, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth it always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

So, does a good relationship mean there is no disagreements? Absolutely not this means that you are willing to work through them. The third quality of a good relationship is forgiveness. Sometimes we say stuff wrongly or hurt the other person with out realizing it. You work through these situations by asking for forgiveness or giving forgiveness.

The fourth quality of a good relationship is significant communication. A good relationship extends beyond the trivial pleasantries and brings out the conversations of feelings, wants and needs. It is so important to the person to listen to their words and understand their meaning.  If you do not talk clearly what you are thinking, feeling and meaning the other individual will be left with their own interpretation of what you are saying. Never stop the discussion without understanding what the person meant.

The fifth quality of a good relationship is faithfulness. Faithfulness is demonstrated in honoring your word. Faithfulness to your word means you do what you said you would do. Faithfulness also means you are loyal. These are qualities that build trust and security in relationships.

All these qualities of honesty, love, commitment, trust, security, significant communication, forgiveness, and faithfulness develop good relationships. I would inspire you to find ways to grow your relationships with these qualities.

Tune-up time…

When I think of tune-ups I think of my car.  New spark plugs, wires etc.  But when I imagine life, relationships or love tune- ups words like consistency, dependability or reliability come to mind.

What part of your everyday life, relationships or love require a tune-up? I think every now and then it’s good to get an assessment of life to look at what needs tweaking.

Let’s look at the word consistency why it is an important characteristic in our lives. According to the Dictionary consistency as a noun means “Conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy or fairness.”

How does that apply to life? How consistent someone is to a job, career, relationship will build trust. Therefore, consistency builds trust. When an individual is inconsistent, they seem to be haphazard, un-committed or not reliable because you will not be able to depend on them.

Life isn’t fair; life is just life- But when we are working hard and be consistent in our employment or relationships, we are going to build security in the areas needed for stability, dependability and growth.

Consistency is the glue that holds relationships together.  When we are consistent in life, relationships and love our actions, behaviors or practices can be relied on since their proven consistent.

Love isn’t a feeling it is a commitment to an individual and relationship. Commitment involves consistency. Consistency builds stability, security and growth into the relationship. Love increases when life, care and nurture is given to it inside a relationship. And relationships continue to increase when life, laughter, fun and security is placed into them in a consistent way. These are attitudes and behaviors that need to be consistent to reap the blessing of healthiness in their lives and relationships. Consistency is the glue that holds relationships together.

Whether it’s living in general or relationships of all kinds honoring your word is a consistent attitude and conduct to have. This builds your lives and empowers your relationships.

A few words that describe consistency or they are synonyms are stability, steadiness, dependability and reliability.

I personally live by way of the scripture “honor your word even when it hurts.” Which essentially means if you say you’re going to do it, do it. This produces reliability and dependability which produces a healthy mindset in living and relationships.

Here’s where the tune-up takes place.  Take a deep breath and exhale and see your actions, attitudes or words. Now question whether they are consistent to what you want to achieve in life, relationships and love? And if not, what do you have to do to them to make it consistent? Invite God to tell you how to be consistent in life, relationships and love. https://insightsbydrannette.com/integrity/ https://insightsbydrannette.com/do-you-need-clarity/ https://insightsbydrannette.com/little-things-matter/

Holiday Stress Relievers…

This is the time of year where our obligations grow, and our expectations are high.  The Holidays official start is this week.  With Thanksgiving Day on Thursday and of course the food preparations all week plus getting the house ready for guests.

Then shopping for gifts for those we love and care for.  December brings Christmas and more family gatherings along with special events and decorations. 

This all sounds lovely unless it’s stressful for you.  Sometimes the stresses become overwhelming for some and instead of a fun season it becomes forced work.

This season is about being thankful and joyful for the Savior who was born for us.  But in the hustle and bustle of the extra workload, stress can steal your joy in this season if you let it. 

You have a choice you can let the stress beat you or fuel you the choice is yours.  Here are a few helpful truths to think about that can relieve holiday stress.

*Your family loves you not for what you do for them or what you give them but because you are a part of them.

*Money doesn’t buy happiness.  Happiness is a by product of what we do.

*Not overspending for Christmas will relieve stress.  Stick with an amount (budget) and shop within your amount.

*People love the thought put into a gift.  There’s lots of creative ideas that don’t cost a lot but lets someone know you are thinking of them.

*Do things you want to do, not what you feel pressured to do.  The pressures and how you think about them are what cause the stress.

*Don’t compare yourself to others.  God never compares you to another.  Be you! Don’t be something you’re not. 

The holidays are times to be thankful and spend time with family and friends.  If you don’t have family, it can be painful.  I understand this when my mom died it took me a few years to go to other people’s gatherings.

But think about allowing yourself to be a part of someone else’s gathering.  Give yourself permission to engage in the holidays once again.

Human beings need fellowship, love and connection so go for it either go or ask someone to eat with you at your home.

Put a pin in the air of stress: lower expectations, take breaks, breathe and enjoy each day through this Holiday Season.

Enjoy the Season!

Back to Church day

Brotherly love

Today was a great day I was able to go to church today. We sat in the back so I could elevate my leg with the knee scooter.

It felt good to be in the house of God with my church family. As I worshiped God, I sensed his presence all round me.

Our Pastor had a brief message today, but it was impactful. His scripture today was Hebrews 13:1-2 “Let brotherly love continue. 2) do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels.”

Brotherly love? Does this just refer to family love? The answer is no. Brotherly love is something those that know each other continue in but it’s also love towards humanity. Words like hospitality, comraery, politeness, generosity, prayer, helpfulness and so much more describe brotherly love.

Showing love for one another Jesus said is how they will know we are his disciples. I personally have been shown love throughout this recovery by my husband, close friends, family, neighbors and my church and friends & family on social media. God has given me the grace to go through this recovery in peace and patience.

Although I’m not fully recovered I’m still looking at this surgery & recovery as a blessing. God has brought me through and continues to. The pain I had before surgery is gone and for that I am also thankful.

Let brotherly love continue.  That is a powerful sentence it means we have a choice to continue in brotherly love.  How important is walking in love to God?  I would say very important.  God is love.  When we walk in love, we touch the heart of people and that is Gods way to reach out to others through us.

Let brotherly love continue daily in your life whenever and wherever you go.

The Lost Art of Kindness

Kindness matters

What does it mean to be kind? How do you know when you’re not being kind? What does the fruit of kindness look like?

2019 seems to be the year of people saying and doing unkind words and deeds. All over Facebook, Twitter and News Media you see and read of more and more unkind things being said. Politics has revved it up on all sides.

People are believing everything any news person they like says and then spewing it out as if they know it’s a fact. 

But somewhere kindness is still alive. Some random acts of kindness still happen, people still respond to needs of tragedies and losses with compassion. Neighbors still help one another in some neighborhoods.

Step back and ask God what he thinks about kindness.

First what does kindness mean? It means “The quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.”

Here are a few similar words meaning kindness: “Tenderness, goodwill, concern, care, helpful, selflessness, compassion, sympathy, understanding, warmth, affection, friendliness, benevolence, neighborliness, patience, tolerance, mercifulness, decency, charitableness, and graciousness.”

How do you know when you’re not being kind? We all have a conscience. God will let you know through your conscience. Our Conscience will tell us when we are not kind, but we must be listening and responsive. When we realize we weren’t kind apologize for it, don’t ignore it. Recognize it and ask forgiveness.

What is the fruit of kindness? Being friendly when you don’t know someone, giving a hand of help when you can, if someone drops something picking it up, holding a door open and smiling all equals friendliness.

More fruit of kindness equals waiting without an attitude, patience. Or waiting in line when the cashier is slow and the person in front of you is causing a backup and not complaining but smiling that’s kindness in action.

I saw on Facebook a well know celebrity and a politician were seated by each other at a sport event. The celebrity was berated on social media just for sitting next to someone who doesn’t believe like she does. She addressed this issue with diplomacy and kindness and ended with “just be kind.”

I thought about how God used her words to remind all of us kindness matters.

It is time to stop putting our opinions and attitudes above good manners. Did you ever hear the saying ‘Manners Matter’? I forget who said it, but it is true, and kindness is good manners.

The bible tells us kindness is a fruit of the Spirit and its love. Real love is kind…

Its time to be neighborly again. Sometimes it takes a lot more strength to be kind then grumpy. But I have faith we can change and be kinder and helpful.

Show kindness not just to your own little group but to someone you don’t know or don’t like.

It’s also time to stop listening to the negative reports and become the kindness needed around us.

Kindness Matters and Love never fails!

Hard or Broken

When you’re hardhearted you get kind of crusty. But broken bread is sweet smelling and tasty. Falling on a stone will hurt the physical body but what happens when you fall on the Stone? How does God use us? 

In Matthew 21:42-44 “Jesus said to them “Have you never read in the Scriptures: “The Stone the builders rejected Has become the chief cornerstone. This was the Lord’s doing and it is marvelous in our eyes? 43 “therefore I say to you the kingdom of God will be taken from you and given to a nation bearing fruits of it. 44 And whoever falls on this stone will be broken; but on whoever it falls, it will grind him to powder.”

What kind of brokenness was he talking about? This verse “whoever falls on the stone will be broken” means surrender.

When you choose to fall on Jesus your surrendering your life and your following Him. The Spirit of God is working in our lives to be Christ-like.

God doesn’t make you do anything. He will lead you and supply the grace so you can do, but force never you always have a choice. He’ll lead you to lay down your life attitudes, choices and actions at times. But it’s always for your betterment not for destruction.

Being broken on Jesus isn’t like a broken object. It just means you surrender to him and allow him to flow through you whenever and wherever.

Be broken on Him to me is allowing Him to search my heart and show me my stinky attitudes, actions and words. I repent of those and He forgives and changes me through steps of obedience.

Being broken also means it is important to not get caught up in telling people they should and should not.   Love people and let God deal with it.

This is how God uses us. You can empower others to seek God through encouragement, comfort and the enthusiasm you have for God. Be led by the Spirit of God He knows what a person needs.  

The Holy Spirit’s job is to convict and he’s good at it.  

Our place is to speak the truth in love not condemnation. When you have a truth your to speak and it’s going to be hard to hear ask the Holy Spirit to give you the right words.  Not what you want but what he wants you to say.  You don’t win the lost with a hammer! Only love produces life.

God loves people he sent his Son to die because he loved the World. It’s time to choose our words wisely and allow the Holy Spirit to convict of sin. Rethink your posts, tweets and words run it through the Holy Spirits leading. I need this Lord start with me.