hurt – Practical Insights, by Dr. Annette

How to stand up for yourself when facing toxic positivity. by Laura Herrera

Last week in the “How to recognize toxic positivity” article, we learned how it affects our relationships with others and with ourselves. Also, how it spills into our relationship with God. This week we are learning what healthy positivity is and how to stand up for ourselves. How we can grow in our love for ourselves and in our intimacy with God.

As a recap, toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. It covers and stifles the vulnerability one shares with another or with themselves. In turn, it can cause one to believe that their needs and what they are going through are not worthy to be heard or helped in any manner. It also dispels hope.

A few common toxic phrases we learned were: Well, at least you do not have it as bad as…. It could be worse…. It will all be fine… Don’t worry about it…. Always look on the bright side… You’ll get over it… Stay positive…. Everything happens for a reason…

How to stand up for yourself and guard your heart:

If we open up to someone and the way, they respond is affecting us – we can either respectfully correct them or guard our heart.

What is guarding your heart? One way we guard our heart is speaking the truth to ourselves.

Affirm ourselves that what we are going through matters and unfortunately, they were not an emotionally safe person to confide in. Believe and trust God someone else will be a safe place. Affirming ourselves is an expression of showing love towards ourselves.

If we choose to speak up, we can say something like, “I know it was meant well, but it makes me feel as if what I’m going through doesn’t matter. Right now, I need support. Support for me right now means… (Share what needs you have). At the very least, we may just want a hug at that moment.

Food for thought: Many of us are afraid of confrontation. However, it is in the context of healthy confrontation that relationships can grow and flourish. If we do not speak up, the other person doesn’t know what we are feeling, and they do not have the opportunity to listen and make a positive change.

If it is us who are speaking toxic phrases over ourselves, we no longer must push our needs down. It is time to embrace ourselves with loving kindness.

Healthy positivity statements:

“I will take a step back and look for what I can be grateful for, but I will not diminish the needs that I have at this moment.”

What are my needs in this situation? Whether it be emotional, spiritual, or financial.

I am a child of God and He cares for me. I am not going through this alone. He cares for me because I’m His child.

Healthy positivity supplies hope:

Romans 8:28 NIV “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.”

This is the exact opposite of what some say with toxic phrases such as: “God only gives us what we can handle.” And “Everything happens for a reason.” (These are not even scriptural.)

God is not saying He put this on us. He also is not saying He caused this to happen to us, but He will be there with us through this. And He is working through this.

Isaiah 43: 1-3 NIV “But now, this is what the LORD says— He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;”

Romans 8:28 was key for me when I was fighting for 11 years to be heard by doctors. Thankfully, tenacity got me through it. It brought me through to keep seeking help. I was determined to find someone who could help me fight the diseases I was going through.

I knew no matter what, God could turn what I was going through and work something out for good. Years later after the diseases have been rooted out and I’ve healed emotionally, I now write for others going through chronic diseases.

Our relationship with God: God created us for a relationship with him, and more than anything He cares for every one of us. His word says,

Matthew 6:26 NIV “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

He’s telling you. He is not addressing another person. He is personally speaking to you.

Jesus is the perfect reflection of what care and comfort are. He values every one of us the same. We will not find a scripture where He compares what one person is going through with another. We will not find Him using any toxic positivity.

If He cares about each one of us and what we are going through, shouldn’t we as individuals follow suit and do the same for others and ourselves?

Are you someone who has believed the lie that I once did- “Am I not worthy of God’s care and affection?” Have you believed the lie, “He won’t hear my cries, so why even bother?”

If so, let today be the first day that you turn a corner and dwell on the truth. The truth is that He does care. We can go to Him and pour out our heart, pain, loss, fears, and frustrations- He will listen. When we are a child of God, He hears every word we speak.

Where many might have failed us and will fail us, we can take heart that what we are going through does matter to God. It matters greatly. Enter His presence without fear. He will not turn us down and He will not compare our situation to others. Let Him love on you and comfort you.

Psalm 34:18 NIV “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Now that I’m on a new journey of health and have received mental health coaching: I have been able to choose to either stand up for myself with the other people or guard my heart while affirming myself. I’ve been able find out who in my life are the real supporters that I can turn to and who are not. My relationship with God has blossomed. I confide in Him like never before. When I cry out to Him, I know I will be met with the sincerest comfort, love, and care. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t gone through other hurts or turmoil. On the contrary, I’ve been through a lot in the last few years in all kinds of areas of my life. However, I have now found peace and grace in asking myself, “What are my needs at this moment and what can I be grateful for?” I then have been able to turn to God for comfort, love, and support.

I want to leave you with this comforter analogy: When I think of Him comforting me in my troubles, I think of His embrace as an actual comforter. A comforter supplies warmth and covering to a cold body. Even though it can supply these things, it only does so when we reach out for it. Let Him comfort you. Reach out to Him for the comfort you need. Pour out your heart and He will be there wrapping His love and care on you.

I pray as you learn how to stand up for yourself and love yourself, that your relationships blossom. I pray your relationship with God grows like never before.

At every moment, you matter and whatever you are going through matters to God. How to recognize toxic positivity? by Laura Herrera

What is The Difference Between Positivity and Trusting God.

Three different Ways to Deal with Shame…

How to recognize toxic positivity? by Laura Herrera

unrecognizable woman covered with plastic bag

I went through two debilitating chronic diseases for 11 years. During this time there were 17 trips to the ER. I had many failed treatments, went through 10 doctors, had multiple failed surgeries and spent thousands of dollars to get help. I finally found a specialist in New York, states away who rooted out the diseases in two surgeries. As you can imagine I went through an awfully long journey. During this I was often met with hurtful toxic positivity from people. At times, my situation was compared to others because no one could understand what I was going through and thought that comparing stories would help me. I could go on and on with the hurtful phrases I received. Unfortunately, most of them were from well-meaning but misguided Christians. I did not know how to stand up for myself, I felt alone and voiceless. There were many times I went to the bathroom to cry after someone said something hurtful. I would turn inwards and would battle hope. Toxic positivity hurt my relationships with people and with God. I found it hard to open up to others and as a defense mechanism. I in turn carried not only the weight of physical pain, but also emotional pain as well. I now see how that spilled over into my relationship with God as well. I didn’t feel that I could open up to Him for a very long time. I didn’t feel as though what I was going through mattered to Him.

As Christians we are to build each other up and not tear each other down.

Ephesians 4:2 “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,“

This article is to build you up so that you can recognize toxic positivity.

You may have used toxic positivity and may not realize it. You might use it towards yourself and may not realize it either. This article is to help you recognize the pattern from others or from yourself.

Now someone doesn’t have to only go through something medical to be on the receiving end of toxic positivity. In our everyday lives we go through pain, suffering or loss. When met with hurtful phrases of any kind no matter what we are going through- it can cause even further pain or damage in our lives.

What is toxic positivity:

Toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. It covers and stifles the vulnerability one shares with another or with themselves and in turn, can cause one to believe that their needs and what they are going through are not worthy to be heard or helped in any manner. It also dispels hope.

Have you ever experienced a time when you’ve opened up to someone about something personal that you are going through only to be met with hurtful words? Such as- Well, at least you do not have it as bad as…. It could be worse…. It will all be fine… Don’t worry about it…. Always look on the bright side… You’ll get over it… Stay positive…. Everything happens for a reason…

One of my most disliked common expression is, “It could be worse.” Who decides on what makes up ‘as the worst suffering or loss as the worst possible situation? It’s a never-ending ladder to reach the top of who earns the top spot in the worst possible situation. Whatever we are going through we all have needs concerning our situations.

The damaging power it has:

Again, toxic positivity is shaming in disguise. Shame makes us look inward and think what is wrong with me. Shame also screams I am not worthy. It says, no one really cares.

We don’t have to let someone say, “You are not good enough.” – We don’t have to let others say what we are going through is not good enough to be heard or helped. Nor should we be compared to what someone else is going through. This can make us feel voiceless and hopeless.

When we are either met with toxic positivity from others or given towards ourselves, we can end up battling in our minds for the right to be heard by people and by God. Do I have the right to be heard? Is my pain big enough to be empathized with by others and by God? Do I have the right to be helped?

When we stifle our own needs and think towards ourselves, “I should just be positive” we harm ourselves. What if we really needed time to process and heal through something emotionally and decided not to since we didn’t allow ourselves to check-in with ourselves? What if we really needed to see a doctor, but we kept telling ourselves, “I’m ok, it’ll get better.”? Can you see, how damage can be done in both scenarios?

Words have power:

There’s life and death in the power of the tongue.

Proverbs 18:21 NIV “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Again, we have the power to uplift or tear one another down and ourselves.

Ask yourself these questions:

When in my life did I seek help only to find out that what I was going through was devalued by another? How many times have I not spoken up when I was going through something or needed help based on past encounters in life? How has this spilled into my relationship with people in general or with God? Do I ever feel at times what I’m going through shouldn’t be brought up to God because others are going through something worse?

If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, you have faced toxic positivity. Don’t be discouraged, this is the first step to healing from the wounds and effects of it. This week allow yourself to grieve or ponder on how this has made you feel. Journaling is a great idea to pour out any lingering wounds.

I leave you with this prayer until next week’s article on learning what healthy positivity is and how to stand up for yourself. You’ll also learn how to grow in your love for yourself and in your intimacy with God.

Dear God,

Thank you for being with your precious one. Thank you for opening their eyes that toxic positivity has affected their lives. You God can heal these broken hearts and wounds. May you comfort them today in your unfathomable love as they bring any past hurts and pains. May you shed on them grace, comfort, and joy. Thank you for giving them wisdom, guidance and peace. I ask this in Jesus Name. Amen.

Bio- Laura Herrera

Going through two chronic debilitating diseases for 11 years, being in and out of hospitals and going through multiple doctors and surgeries- Laura now advocates passionately and bridges the gap for those going through the same diseases as she did. Coming from a place of understanding on how chronic diseases can affect all aspects of life; not just including others health, but also their mental wellbeing, finances, family life and relationships in general- she is also passionate about helping those going through any chronic disease. Her articles can be seen on: https://lauraherreratopics.com/

Unhealthy, Toxic or Aggressive People or Healthy, Non-Toxic or Assertive People

When Compassion isn’t Compassion

What is The Difference Between Positivity and Trusting God.

Three Things to Ponder in the Garden Experience?

Recently while reading in John G. Lakes devotional, I had this impression. In the garden Adam surrenders his obedience by choosing to disobey and eat of the fruit of good and evil. On that day he died spiritually, his will choose his own way, not God’s way.

But Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane laid down his will to choose the Fathers will. Three times he prayed to the Father, for the cup to pass and three times He said, “not my will, but your will be done.” In the garden Jesus wins back for us what Adam gave up. On the cross Jesus dies for us, for our sins. He carried the sins in his body as he died for us on a cross, tortured, beaten, bruised, and blooded he walked to His death on the cross.

So, the question for us is what is your garden experience? Three things to ponder what is God asking you to surrender?

First, when we surrender something to God there is an exchange although we may not realize it at first but there is an exchange. So often we get focused on what we want that the surrender becomes more about what we are giving up than what we gain.

But if we do as this scripture shows looking unto Jesus who surrendered it all we too can surrender whatever God is asking us to give over to Him.

Hebrews 12:2 “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” He sits at the right of the Father, and He is coming back for His bride.

Secondly, a garden experience can reveal not everyone with you is for you. The pain of rejection can affect us all differently, but one thing is sure we all experience rejection in one form or another. Who better to understand this than Jesus? It was in the garden He was betrayed by a friend’s kiss. If you are experiencing the sting of rejection, give it to Jesus who understands the sting and pain rejection causes. He heals the brokenhearted.

Thirdly, a garden experience can reveal ourselves. Times of surrender or trails can show us what is inside us and how we think. It is not a time to self-condemn but a time of self-awareness. Which means it can be a time to recognize our weaknesses, faults and allow God to change us. This becomes a time of growth.

We see Jesus’ character come through the garden experience of surrender, betrayal, and false accusations with humility, silence and willingly went to cross.

Let the garden experience of life grow you in your walk with Christ. Choose God’s way and not your own.

What Are Three Ways to Defuse Anger

How do you defuse anger? I grew up in a setting where anger was not supposed to be allowed. Not sure how I got that impression, but I always thought anger was bad. When I got older and understood God’s word it says, ‘be angry and sin not.’ Which made me understand the anger is not an issue it is what we do with it that makes a problem.

I’m strong believer in speaking up and addressing issues. Throughout life I have come to realize the longer one holds onto a hurt it festers into something bigger. Anger lets us know something is wrong within us. When we feel the secondary emotion of anger it is a red flag saying something isn’t right within me. I am either hurt, fearful or frustrated about something and someone. If we ignore this flag, it does not go away it just becomes seething inside and will come out on someone or something.

So how do we defuse anger? First recognize that the anger is secondary it is an emotion to let you know something is wrong. Finding out what is going on inside of you by asking your self-questions. Questions like what is the real reason I am angry? Am I’m hurt by this… or afraid of this… will help you to address the underlying issue?

Secondly to defuse the anger is ‘deal with the issue.’ Repressing hurt does not solve a problem. Addressing an issue isn’t always easy but when done with good communications tools the person isn’t left hurting worse or wondering what that was about. Anger helps us to make a change too if we allow it. Sometimes we can procrastinate to make a change until we get angry and see the need for the change. Once again anger is an emotional red flag that something is wrong. Making changes can be difficult especially when they alter how you are living but for real change to take place, we usually must make tough decisions and act upon them.

Thirdly in defusing your anger it helps to speak truths to yourself about yourself. I speak the word of God to myself in situations it produces faith and builds my mind and heart on od things. God’s word has healthy loving statements to make to yourself. It produces life and peace in us.

When I get angry, I ask the Holy Spirit to show me what is really going on within me. Use the moment to produce change in you.

Blessings,

Dr. Annette

Three Ways To Give Comfort

warm comfort

What brings you the most comfort? For some it’s a warm meal, a hug, a smile. Comfort comes in all kinds of ways, someone listening to us without advice, taking a stroll, watching a movie or just relaxing on the couch can bring comfort to some people. But when a person has an emotional hurt or is in distress comfort resembles a listening ear, a warm embrace or a kind word that recognizes the hurt.

The word comfort means “1) a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint. 2) Or the easing or alleviation of a person’s feelings of grief or distress.”

How one receives comfort does not always look the same, but it produces the same feeling of relief.

Here are three ways to comfort someone that needs comforting. First, recognize their pain. Acknowledge you hear or see the pain. So often when we are hurting it is hard to express the pain therefore acknowledging the persons pain validates their suffering.

Secondly, do not try to fix it! Be a listener so that they feel empowered by your care for them. When we listen, people can speak without fear of judged or lectured. Real comfort is soothing not harsh or dogmatic.

Thirdly, ask them what they need. People know that they need comfort and what it is that they feel comforted by. Whether it is a hug, venting or snacks… Sometimes we need to say I forgive you or I’m sorry those words spoken in sincerity will bring comfort.

So next time you’re with someone who needs comfort be the listening ear or the warm embrace and allow yourself to be present for them.

Why Forgiveness is a key?

Forgiveness

Why don’t we forgive? What is the benefit of forgiveness? In my blog post ‘the three things about Mercy” I wrote on forgiveness being an aspect of mercy. As I was in prayer, I sensed writing on forgiveness again. I think we need to go deeper in our understanding of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not agreement with the offender. Forgiveness does not say it was ok to hurt me. But what it does do is release you from the hurt of the offense, pain or suffering emotionally and mentally. When we stay in the offense in our thoughts we are captured by the painful memories, and we tend to replay them repeatedly. This just causes more pain daily. You could call it beating yourself up with mental replays of events concerning the offense, hurt and pain. Eventually it will be more difficult to stop replaying the hurt unless you repress it which opens the door to more inner problems tormenting you.

I know that forgiveness can be difficult for traumatic events, rejections and suffering. But forgiveness is a key that opens the door to freedom in your mind and body. The key to forgiveness must be turned to release you from the mental anguish. When we hold onto people that have hurt us and we pretend it did not hurt it just plays revolving thoughts of the hurt in our minds.

But forgiveness is still a key of choice. We choose to forgive when we willingly process the hurt and ask God to heal our the mind and heart. Forgiveness is the blessing that releases you from the suffering and thoughts of turmoil. Real or imagined pain and hurt must be let go of to move on and be healed.

This does not imply you have to stay and be abused or violated. In no way does forgiveness mean any person has the right to abuse, torture or hurt another person. It simply means the mental aspect of it which lingers after traumatic events can be healed. It starts with dealing with the trauma and getting the pain out so that you can process it, forgive and be free.

Today is the day to choose to forgive and be free. Should I forgive? The Rejection Connection

Resolving Your Own Anger…

What is anger? Why do we get angry? And how do we defuse our anger? These questions are important to understand in resolving anger.

First, anger is a feeling that signals that there is something wrong and fuels a reply. Anger is like a warning flag to let you know something is going on inside of you. It’s a secondary emotion because there is always something underneath anger.

What is underneath the anger pain/hurt, afraid/fear or frustration/frustrated. For example, when we’re hurt by a person our body replies with anger first. Knowing everything that is underneath the anger will help you to defuse and resolve the problem.

Hence the bible tells us to be ‘angry but sin not.’ Anger is not the sin but what you are doing with anger can lead to sin. How do you be angry and sin not?

The first thing is realizing what is beneath your anger is fueling it. How do you realize it asking yourself (self-talk) what is going on inside of you? When you answer it, you’ll be able to defuse the anger by resolving the problem.

The second step to resolving the anger is addressing the issue. Approach the problem with the person or situation. Unresolved issues tend to promote anger. It is better to confront in love then stew, brew and boil.

Ephesians 4:26 “Be angry and do not sin do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” This means address the problem right away the longer anger is undealt with the larger the problem will be.

The word anger means “a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad. The feeling that makes someone want to hurt other people, to shout etc.; the feeling of being angry, anger”

Use your words to communicate what’s beneath your anger. Then release the individual who hurt or frustrated you by forgiving them.

If fear is beneath the anger start speaking the truth to yourself. Speaking truths improves our own internal process to settle down and the reality then is easier to view, hear and grasp. For example, your spouse bought something very expensive and you didn’t know about, and your finances are tight this would cause anger to trigger because fear would begin to make you think and feel your going have to do with out or you won’t have enough… Fear makes us think of future problems before it even happens so in reality it may not even happen.

If frustration is below your anger deal with the issue through placing boundaries. Dealing with a situation or person through setting boundaries so that you’re no longer taken advantage of.

Through a step-by-step method you can resolve your anger. Ask questions, address the issue of the anger and answer the problem through truths, problem solving or boundaries

Frustrations may sometimes be from unclear boundaries. Make sure that your boundaries are intact. People can’t runover your boundaries unless you let them. If they storm over them set tougher boundaries. Sometimes we step around our own boundaries and it causes frustration if that is the case forgive yourself.

To resolve anger ask yourself questions, address what is going on beneath the anger and respond to it with truth, set clear and concise boundaries where you start and stop.

Give yourself grace because anger is not a sin. Learning how to resolve anger helps to defuse it.

Grief and Sorrows…

What is grief and sorrows? How long does it last and how do you walk through grief and sorrow? These are a few of the questions we will look at.

Grief is “a deep sorrow especially that was caused by someone’s death” but not limited to death it’s a loss of someone or something. Grief will come from loss of job, relationship, health decline etc.… I think it’s important to understand that grief comes from many different types of loss. In Psychology Today “Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss.”

Sorrow as a noun “A feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others. Sorrow as a verb “feel or display deep distress.”

I know they say grief has stages and each stage can be non-systematic the stages can flip back and forth one day denial next anger then back to denial to bargaining etc. But what is important to know is deep sorrow/grief for more than two years means you’re stuck in grief. I have read grief can last up to five years but that isn’t the deep sorrow aspect.

When I lost my mom in Oct 1999, I was having such a hard time. My mom was like a best friend to me. Not only was she my mom but we could talk about anything. She validated my life with positive affirmations, acceptance and affection. We hugged coming and going. I loved her dearly.

So, having to say goodbye felt like I had to let her go. I couldn’t let her go the thought of letting go was stuck in my mind I couldn’t. I wrote about this in my article “Grief Work.” But what I didn’t realize is my heart and mind said if I let her go, I will lose my mom, but reality was my mom with always be my mother.

I was trapped in grief. I had to learn I wasn’t letting her go I was rearranging my life. I have no regrets my mom knew I loved her and was available for her. She knew all of us loved her.

Sometimes though once we are stuck in grief the deep grief can take over. If there was some unfinished business as to hurts, offenses, pain or unforgiveness we tend to believe we can’t have closure. The truth is you can have closure by going through inner healing. You can process by your words and give your grief a voice and forgive whatever needs to be forgiven.

Unforgiveness will leave you stuck in grief and stunt your life. That’s the same thing as a prison wall around your heart and mind. The forgiveness is for you not the offender. They must deal with what they did with God. But holding onto the unforgiveness in the direction of a person or loss just keeps past present and past hurts does not belong in your present life. It’s time for you to release the past and move forward beyond grief and sorrow and into hope for the future and love.

Isaiah 53: 3-4 states, “He is despised and rejected by men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. 4) Surely, He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.”

Jesus bore our sorrows and grief. It’s time to let go of the pain of loss and let Jesus heal your hurts, pains and sorrows. It’s time for the internal healing to take place so that you can walk free from grief and sorrow.

My prayer is that today is your day to be set free of the hurt and pain as you surrender the sadness and sorrow of loss, hurt, pain, and offenses to God the Father and through Jesus sacrifice you receive healing today.

https://insightsbydrannette.com/grief-work/

https://insightsbydrannette.com/should-i-forgive/

https://insightsbydrannette.com/subscribe/ Please consider subscribing to this blog it helps the search engines fine me. Thank you, Dr. Annette

Grief Work…

There is a concept called ‘grief work.’ What is sorrow and the importance of doing your grief work?

Grief can begin as a feeling of numbness, and shock almost as if it’s not real at first, and subsequently deep sadness as you are experiencing a major loss. Losses could be a death of a person, animal, relationships or life changing injuries are not limited to these but also to the loss of a career, home etc.

How a person experiences a great loss another might not experience it the same way. Grief covers many different emotions. A loss may be experienced by stages of grief but not in a systematic way. Grief includes denial, bargaining, hurt/deep sadness-depression, anger, acceptance/creating a new way to live life.

How are we going to get through grief? For every one of us it is different, tears ease the pressure of sadness, journaling helps you to put your thoughts on the paper and to see what you are thinking and it is the place to see any impractical thoughts. Talking about and expressing yourself is helping to release the inner pressures of grief.

When we are experiencing a major loss its useful to voice your thoughts and feelings. I personally think grieving is the gift to move from the loss to acceptance.

What I mean by this statement is I’ve noticed people celebrate a person’s life without allowing sadness. To me this is not a healthy way for us to express grief. Because the individual must repress their grief and put on a happy face.

Funerals are one way to express our grief and time to honor the loved one. Not letting yourself grieve only will keep you stuck in grief.

Unresolved grief will linger throughout your lifetime if it’s not been dealt with. Therefore, repressing grief causes health issues physically and psychologically. Keeping you locked into the past and pain. If a person is in this condition, there is a way out. Seek out a Therapist/Counselor. Expressing feelings or thoughts to a person that understands the full spectrum of grief will help a person do their ‘grief work’ and someday be free from grief.

Grief is a gift from God to help deal with major losses. But it’s not supposed to be a life sentence you can walk through to the other side of grief.

Losses come in many sizes from small to big from the simple to the complex. Still everything in our sorrows and triumphs we must be honest with ourselves, realistic in all our expressions and patience with our grief process.

Family and friends may be a great source for support. Together with support groups, Churches and talking to a counselor. Seek help if you feel stuck in your grief.

I had to when I lost my mom in 99’ I couldn’t wrap my mind around letting her go, a wise counselor led me through the grief and helped me to see I wasn’t letting her go she’ll always be my mom its just our relationship has changed. She used this phrase ‘it’s like rearranging your furniture its still your furniture its just in a different place. My mom will always be my mom she’s just in a different place now.’ Which helped me process where I had just gotten stuck in grief. Sounds easy as I type this, but it wasn’t for me in that moment I was stuck and needed help in my grief.

If you’re grieving alone seek help that’s the best way to get through to the opposite side of grief.

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.”

Disappointment do’s and don’ts

What are they and how do we walk through them? It’s safe to say everyone experiences disappointments sometime in their lives. Some disappointments are slight and therefore easier to let it go.

The word disappointment means: “a feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest.” Another meaning for disappointment is, “the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the defeat of ones hopes and expectations.” These are the same just worded a little differently.

Bigger disappointments can cause us to draw back in and that is when you’ve not dealt with your own expectations and feelings.

When we don’t deal with the disappointments they will worsen into discouragement and then despondency. Disappointments deal with our expectations and hopes. Therefore, we can change our thinking about them. The choice is ours. Some things are easier to let go of than others. It’s the other things that need to be worked through.

For example, I have plans to go to lunch with a friend and they must cancel. That’s a little disappointment but I move on and do something different because we all get unplanned interrupting events we must deal with.

But when the expectation of the event is high and it doesn’t happen then disappointment in forms of sadness, frustration and even hurt can and should be dealt with.

So how do you deal with and walk through disappointments?

First, recognize your disappointed, write it down or talk it out. Repressing it or stuffing it only makes it worsen.

Secondly, step back and detach from the feelings of the disappointment and take a good look at every side of it. Ask your self a few questions such as ‘were my expectations to high’ or ‘was this out of my control’? What ever question that helps you to get the right perspective is the question for you.

Thirdly, pray about it. God knows how your feeling and thinking. Therefore, be honest about it in your prayers.

Fourthly, allow God to heal your heart concerning the hurting disappointments.