Tag: healthy relationships

Four Helpful Relationship Tools

There is so much to say and so little time to say it. I’m more than halfway through MIP and it’s been a great challenge and exciting journey.

Here are some key elements you can add or fine tune in your relationship’s. We all need to implement these tools in our lives. Why do I write this, because I have learned good relationships take work, they do not just happen by themselves? It takes time, energy, and effort to keep a good relationship.

First tool is learning to listen without thinking about what you’re going to say or respond with. So often in conversation the person we are talking with thinks about what they are going to say or how this is happening to them that they miss an opportunity to really listen and empathize with you. If you want your relationships to last and be healthy work on your listening skills.

The best solution for this is to tell yourself I do not have to say what I think or feel, nor do I have to fix their problem they may just need me to listen. Healthy relationships work best when each person can say what they think or feel without condemnation, argumentation, or aggravation. Relationships are not meant to be competitions.

Second helpful tool is forgiveness. Forgiveness is an essential tool for relationships. The little things do add up and become bigger issues when we don’t let go and forgive. Obviously, we are talking in general. Forgiveness is really for you not the other person you’re the one who is not allowing yourself to live in the light if we hold grudges, resentments and unforgiveness. In healthy relationships it is important to let the other person know you are sorry and will they forgive you.  

Third helpful tool in relationships is boundaries. Boundaries are helpful because it lets you know where you start and stop. Boundaries are helpful because then you & your spouse are aware of things that you will and will not do. It helps to keep the peace within your relationship’s.

Fourth tool walk in love. Real love is not an emotion it is a commitment to the relationship. Love is based in the wellbeing of another. God is love. His love for us was given in Christ Jesus dying for us so that we could receive forgiveness. In relationships of all kinds love is an essential tool. It’s the most important aspect of relationships. The only thing that last’s is love. My husband shows me love in all kinds of ways from his words to his actions. His commitment to me and our marriage makes me feel loved and secure. Love is an action word because real love laid down His life for us.

In our relationships we also can put aside our petty opinions, our need to be right, and begin to see how the other person feels and thinks in situations. By doing this you too will grow in your relationships. Healthy Relationships 101 The Power of Forgiveness

What Are The Three ABCs of Marriage?

The ABCs of marriage suggests to me what is 123 of sequence. What makes a marriage work well? How does love really work in marriage? What constitutes a good marriage to you? Sometimes people enter marriage through preconceived ideas and then when their idea of love will not go the way they think or feel it should they get disillusioned. We can set ourselves up for success or failure in relationships through presuppositions. Learning basic relational tools is so important for marriage. I think couples need premarital or post marital counsel. This is important because communication is essential to a healthy relationship.  

The A of ABCs in marriage is for Attraction. When people fall in love it first starts with attraction, but attraction alone will not carry a marriage. Attraction is something you do not choose but you sense, but you do not have to act on it. If the character of the individual is not pure walk away. I think when we sense attraction it is because we like the look, style or personality of the person etc. but that is not love it is just attraction.

When people put too much emphasis on attraction as if it is love and then when they no longer feel attracted, they think ‘they fell out of love.’ Real love is not a feeling it is a choice with a commitment. There is no such thing as falling out of love. The truth is we choose to not continue. When trust is broken, and meaningful communication is absent then intimacy is neglected, the individual no longer wants to continue.

Please do not miss understand there are reasons for divorce such as adultery or abuses of all forms and these are not what I am writing about today. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a reality and should not be, but it is. I always add this because if you are reading this blog and being abused reach out to a shelter in your area. My heart goes out to anyone who has been or is being abused in any form. The mental, emotional, and physical aspects of abuse are very real and painful.

The B of ABCs stands for ‘becoming best friends.’ I personally think a couple can withstand the ups and downs of life when God is first in their life, and they have developed a strong friendship. Think of what a good friend is to you and become a good friend to your spouse. A good friend wants what’s best for you and looks to support in your talents. Gets excited with you in new challenges. Spends time with you but not exclusively. A good friend does not try to keep you away from others. A good friend does not get jealous of you having friends. Anytime we get controlled over our relationships we tend to push the other person away. Healthy relationships give the other person freedom to have friends and family time without negative feelings. Couples can be great friends to each other. Marriage isn’t a competition it is a journey together.

The C in the ABCs of marriage is a Covenant relationship. A covenant relationship is a physical, spiritual commitment to each other in the presence of God and witnesses. In a marriage the covenant relationship is between a man, woman and God as seen in the scripture. When Christ is first in the couple’s life, they understand they are not alone in life or within their marriage. The Bible tells us that marriage is a covenant relationship. In Genesis 2:18 “And the LORD God said, “it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

Genesis 2:21-24 “And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. 23 And Adam said: This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall be one flesh.”

In this passage of scripture, a man and women are joined together as one flesh. The marriage covenant is blessed and special. It is so important for the couple to protect their marriage. A few ways in protecting your marriage are to be aware of the time stealers or other people’s assumptions of your time. While raising your children remember to give your relationship time to be alone. Learn to work for the good of the marriage not self-gratification.

In the ABCs of marriage is a progression of the relationship. The couple starts their journey with attraction but moves forward in becoming best friends and then committing to one another in marriage. Enjoy your journey together!

 I saw this picture on Facebook, it reminds us of the little things in marriage do matter.

What do you base your Love on?

What is love? Why is love so important? Where does it come from? Is it found in a feeling, thought or action? Or are all three of these involved in love? Does love include your mind, will and emotions? These are a few questions I would like to look at and think about.

First what is love? The Dictionary states, noun 1) “An intense feeling of deep affection. 2) A great interest and pleasure in something. Such as love for football.”

The Urban Dictionary defines love as “The act of caring and giving to someone else. Having someone’s best interest and well being as a priority in your life. To truly love is a very selfless act.” These definitions show us a few things that describe love according to the Dictionary.

Any time I do premarital counseling I like to ask couples why do you love each other; this question causes thoughts and expression so that each one can hear why each other loves them. Just saying I love you is not enough; love is always an expression of action. In healthy relationships love is selfless, it is always moving and growing. Love is stable, reliable, security, with meaningful communication and affection.

Relationships that embrace the differences in each other develop into healthy friendships. Love accepts the differences in others. For example, my husband is a drummer he played drums all his life. I do not have rhythm I struggle to clap in time. But my strengths are in other areas I love to sing. These differences do not hinder us because we embrace our differences, and we are not trying to make each other be like our selves. I think being able to laugh at yourself helps keep balance in love too. Laughter does the heart good.

Parental love also expresses to the child stability, consistency, security, communication, acceptance, affirmations, affection, boundaries and consequences. Healthy love has boundaries it also says I am sorry when wrong or I have hurt someone or reacted in a wrong way. Parental love teaches children how to love.

The Word of God describes love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5-does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6-does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7-bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8-Love never fails.” This description of love is actions, thoughts and words. This is the kind of love we are to walk and live in daily.

God loved us so much He sent His only begotten son to die for us so that we could live eternally with Him. In John 3:16 it tells us of Gods sacrificial love. Jesus laid down His own life for us, His love for us endured suffering, sorrow and death by taking our place, to buy forgiveness of sin for us. God showed His love through His Son Christ Jesus. Love expresses itself in sacrifice at times.

Love is a decision so your will is involved in love. Love is not just a feeling it is a choice. You can choose to walk and live love every moment. Let’s choose to love today.

Strengthen your relationships…

There are some things that strengthen relationships.  Misunderstanding is if it is a good relationship you don’t need to do anything to help it.  Status quo doesn’t apply in relationships.  That mistaken belief has ruined many relationships.  Be it marital, friend or family relationship input should go in to get a healthy return.

The Bible says, ‘what you sow you reap.’  If your wish is to grow healthy relationships, then sow time and energy on them.

How do you strengthen your relationships?

First by contact with meaningful occasions of common experiences of friendship and communication.

Meaningful shared occasions could be anything from dinner to adventures.  Going to the movies, lunch, shopping, playing games, sporting events etc.  These are bonding moments which are relationship builders.  Time spent with someone is equal to caring.

Communication is an essential part of all relationships. There are five levels of communication according to Dr. Gary Smalley.

First is, “clichés which are phrases or opinions that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.”  Wikipedia states, “A cliché is an expression, idea or element of an artistic work  which has become over used to the point of losing its original meaning or effect, even to the point of being trite or irritation, especially when at some earlier time it was considered meaningful or novel.” 

So, it’s superficial conversation because it lacks originality.  Sort of like a safe conversation that only speaks about surface stuff personal information is not given.  One can understand why this is first level of communication.

The second level of communication is ‘Facts.’  Facts are “a thing that is known or proved to be true.” Facts also are “A piece of information used as evidence or as part of a report or news article.  Facts are used in discussing the significance of something that is the case.”  This level of communication is still safe because it is proven information facts.  Their opinions aren’t involved.

The third level of communications is ‘Opinions.’ “Opinions are a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.”  Also, “opinion is an estimation of the quality or worth of someone or something.”  This is the place where we are giving our opinions.  This level of communication is also where conflicts arise.  If you experience conflict during opinion giving, we must realize our opinions are just opinions not always facts. 

If a person has any roots of shame their opinion is connected to their identity and this causes problems in conflict.  Why, because they’re going to think you don’t love them if you don’t accept their opinion.

The fourth level of communication is ‘feelings.’  “Feelings are an emotional state or reaction.”  Emotions are an essential component of the communication on the intimate level.  That it is safe to say I feel is a deeper level of communication.  It’s healthy to voice how you’re feeling and knowing the individual who your telling your own feelings too also is listening.  Even though they may or may not understand your feelings but that their listening is an intimate conversation.  This leads to sharing what you need.

The fifth level of communication is ‘needs.’  “Needs are a necessity. A need is something that is necessary for an organism to live a healthy life.”  Knowing how you feel and what you need is essential to a healthy relationship.  It could be as simple as needing a hug.

Begin today enhancing your relationships.

Friendships

There are all kinds of friendships acquaintances, causal friends, childhood friends, lifelong friends, good friends and best friends.  All in all, people who are friends.

What is a friend?  My words to describe a friend is one who is friendly, loyal, trustworthy, caring, kindhearted, dependable, forgiving and willing to tell you if their upset about something you said or did that upset them or hurt their feelings, because it’s usually not intentional.

The dictionary states, “friend is a person who one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affections, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” Companions

A friend is a person who speaks truth to you.  The Bible says, “Iron sharpens iron.”  A friend is someone that has some interests like you.  A friend cheers you on as you also cheer them on.  Basically, they are happy with and for you when you succeed.  You connect with them in some ways.  A friend sticks close by which means to me in life you can call your friend and know they’re there for you and you are there for them.

 They don’t punish you if they don’t like something you said or did.  They also don’t withhold their friendship either.  People are people we all make mistakes.  Friendships that are healthy are devoid of jealousy, hatred or revenge.

Yes, even in healthy friendships someone’s feelings can get hurt but you go to the person and you tell them and give them a chance to say their sorry.  Unhealthy friendships are jealous, envious or abusive. 

Here’s two quotes I found on goggle about friends author’s are unknown.  “A true friend is someone who has your back when things are going wrong in your life.  A true friend is someone who keeps their promises, and makes you want to keep yours…”  “A friend is a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person.  A person who is not an enemy friend or foe.”

Unhealthy friendships can have symptoms of jealous, envious or abusive.  Lying, untrustworthiness and unreliable.  Possessiveness, greed and selfishness.  These unhealthy traits cause relational problems.  When you can’t be happy for someone’s good fortune or success it is unhealthy.

So how do you deal with an unhealthy friendship?

First, you must recognize it is their issue.

Second, if its persistent and continuous you will need too “let go” or “walk away.”

Third, forgive them but forgiveness doesn’t mean you are too stay in a relationship with a person who habitually is jealous, angry or does revengeful ways toward you.

Even though as a Christian I know and love my friends I also know I can’t fix or heal anyone only God can.  When to end a friendship isn’t easy but if your going to do what God called you to do sometimes it requires hard decision making.

When a relationship continues after a hurt and its forgiven it stays forgiven but if its repetitive one must make a boundary.  A boundary is where you start and stop.

Sometimes walking away or letting go is necessary but isn’t always easy.  It’s most beneficial to your health to let go and continue in your life and walk with Jesus. 

Since Jesus is our example and he didn’t beg and pled with them then neither should we.  I am not talking about one instance of offence; I am talking about years of investment with no change. You’re only wasting your breath, time and emotions.

It’s time to let go and move on.

House vs. Home

Our crawl space was started on November 5th and ended on the 8th.  I was thinking about our house while everything in the family room was covered in plastic.  What a blessing it is to have a place to live.  But is a house a home?

When you have a place to live is that what makes a home?  No, a home is a good relationship.  When you have good healthy relationship, your home is solid.

I once had to live in a church, and I was concerned because I didn’t have a home.  A good friend said to me, “Annette you have a home you and your daughter have a good relationship.  A house is just a building a home is a relationship.”  That statement helped me to put my situation into the right perspective.  A few months later when we returned from a mission trip an apartment became available and we moved.

Through the years I’ve lived in the projects, apartments, houses small and large.  I’ve learned through life a house doesn’t define who I am.

What defines me is my character.  As a child of God Jesus is my identity and how I treat people reflects who I am.

There will always be those who have more than you and those who have less.  But how we walk with people is our legacy not what we own or possess.

Relationships that work through issues are more valuable than gold and silver.  What we own won’t go with us when we die.  But how we treated people, who we were is what will be remembered. 

Work on your relationships because their more valuable than where you live.  What makes a home is a good relationship. 

Healthy Relationships 101

A few years back I taught on Healthy Relationships. As I was pondering on the blog this morning I keep thinking about that teaching. So, for the next few blogs I will expound on Healthy Relationships 101.

Why do I use the word Healthy? Because knowing what is healthy recognizes, enables or helps one to get away from unhealthy, toxic or abusive relationships. It also validates what you are doing to make your relationships healthy, vibrant and growing.

As a minister when asked to officiate a wedding ceremony I required the couples to do pre-marital counseling. Through the years I’ve complied a packet of information from excellent authors. Such as Dr. Gary Smalley, Dr. Les & Leslie Parrot, Pat Springle, Dr. Cloud and Townsend. I believe when given the proper tools and the persons are teachable the couples can have a healthy relationship.

Although healthy relationships 101 is not just for couples. These tools will help all kinds of relationships at work, home, families, friends, school, and church etc. If people are willing and teachable anything is fixable.

Having the right tools to do a job is essential to getting the job done effectively. Having tools with no knowledge will get nothing done.

I’m presenting some tools and providing references that I encourage you to read and apply to your lives which will enable you to grow in healthy relationships. What does healthy look like?

In the Book: A Christian Perspective ‘Codependency’ by: Pat Springle It states, “These are the qualities that people need to become healthy and secure: unconditional love, unconditional acceptance; forgiveness, laughter, fun, a sense of worth, time to work and play together, attention, compassion, comfort, honesty, objectivity, freedom to express emotions appropriately, friendship, freedom to have your own opinion, your own identity, appropriate responsibility, loving correction, affirmation.” He also states, “Relationships that are real, genuine, and honest and that offer the freedom to express true feelings are healthy.”

The first principles of healthy relationships 101 are:  Honesty builds trust. Honesty speaks the truth in love. Truth spoken without love is just harsh. Being honest hurts sometimes but healthy relationships will speak the truth in love. God is always honest and tells us truths about ourselves to better us not harm us. Lies are of the enemy not God. And avoidance of truth by lack of information is not truth at all its manipulation. Therefore, without honesty there cannot be trust.

Honor is a form of respect. Respect must be mutual for it to be healthy. Honor is esteeming another and its appreciation of the value of their life. Dr. Gary Smalley said, “Honor attaches high value to something or someone.” Honor esteems another as better, not lower but gives them your undivided attention and says “I’m glad I’m with you” this can be done in verbal and non-verbal ways. An example: When my husband was working, (He’s retired now) he got up at 3:20am and before he left the house, he would make coffee for me and set the timer so it would be ready when I got up at 7am. To me that is a form of honor.

Humor in relationships is a ‘quality of being amusing or comic’ that is funny in life situations. Finding humor in situations helps us to not take life so seriously. This is not about mocking someone it is laughing at yourself and with others. The bible says, ‘laughter does the heart good like medicine.’ My husband and I find laughter in all sorts of situations. These three principles can help on your path to healthy relationships. To be continued tomorrow…