Tag: Grief Work

Grief and Sorrows…

What is grief and sorrows? How long does it last and how do you walk through grief and sorrow?  These are a few of the questions we will look at.

Grief is “a deep sorrow especially that was caused by someone’s death” but not limited to death it’s a loss of someone or something. Grief will come from loss of job, relationship, health decline etc.… I think it’s important to understand that grief comes from many different types of loss.  In Psychology Today “Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss.”

Sorrow as a noun “A feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others. Sorrow as a verb “feel or display deep distress.”

I know they say grief has stages and each stage can be non-systematic the stages can flip back and forth one day denial next anger then back to denial to bargaining etc. But what is important to know is deep sorrow/grief for more than two years means you’re stuck in grief. I have read grief can last up to five years but that isn’t the deep sorrow aspect.

When I lost my mom in Oct 1999, I was having such a hard time. My mom was like a best friend to me. Not only was she my mom but we could talk about anything. She validated my life with positive affirmations, acceptance and affection.  We hugged coming and going. I loved her dearly.

So, having to say goodbye felt like I had to let her go.  I couldn’t let her go the thought of letting go was stuck in my mind I couldn’t. I wrote about this in my article “Grief Work.” But what I didn’t realize is my heart and mind said if I let her go, I will lose my mom, but reality was my mom with always be my mother.

I was trapped in grief. I had to learn I wasn’t letting her go I was rearranging my life. I have no regrets my mom knew I loved her and was available for her. She knew all of us loved her.

Sometimes though once we are stuck in grief the deep grief can take over.  If there was some unfinished business as to hurts, offenses, pain or unforgiveness we tend to believe we can’t have closure. The truth is you can have closure by going through inner healing. You can process by your words and give your grief a voice and forgive whatever needs to be forgiven.

Unforgiveness will leave you stuck in grief and stunt your life. That’s the same thing as a prison wall around your heart and mind. The forgiveness is for you not the offender. They must deal with what they did with God. But holding onto the unforgiveness in the direction of a person or loss just keeps past present and past hurts does not belong in your present life. It’s time for you to release the past and move forward beyond grief and sorrow and into hope for the future and love.

Isaiah 53: 3-4 states, “He is despised and rejected by men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. 4) Surely, He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.”

Jesus bore our sorrows and grief. It’s time to let go of the pain of loss and let Jesus heal your hurts, pains and sorrows. It’s time for the internal healing to take place so that you can walk free from grief and sorrow.

My prayer is that today is your day to be set free of the hurt and pain as you surrender the sadness and sorrow of loss, hurt, pain, and offenses to God the Father and through Jesus sacrifice you receive healing today.

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Own, Express and Release

Own, Express and Release is one way in which I like to think about our emotions.  One cannot reject their emotions regarding circumstances, world events or relationships without it triggering future troubles.

What are our emotions?  They are defined as “A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood or relationship with others.”  Similar words for emotions are “feelings, sentiment, sensation, reaction, response, passion, intensity, warmth…”   God gave us emotions for a good reason.  We don’t follow our feelings in decision making but a person must recognize their feelings to process circumstances.

What I mean by that declaration is one should recognize how you feel so you’re not be led by a feeling in your circumstances. But you’ll have the ability to process how your feeling to ensure that your decision making isn’t compromised.

First how do we Own it?  To me this means plainly ‘admit’ to how you are feeling sad, frustrated, scared, fearful, can all be emotions along with happy, joyful etc.  Anger is another feeling which is what some describe to as a secondary emotion because anger is a feeling that signals there is something going on within you such as hurt, fear or frustration.  Once you step back from the anger and have a look at how you’re really feeling you will get a more accurate picture of yourself.  So rather than being angry you’ll be able to admit what’s really going on inside of you.

Which then leads to expressing your emotions.  Expressing emotions can seem scary to someone who is not used to it.  Even if you’re not use to discussing your feelings now is the time to try.  Start with someone you feel safe to talk to.  Sometimes we just need people to listen to us.    

Here are a few ways to express emotions 1) talk about them with someone you trust 2) write out how your feeling 3) cry it out 4) use the emotion in a way that isn’t harmful to someone else. 5) Draw what your feeling…

When your expressing your feelings it ‘releases it’ from your mind and body.  Releasing it also is like letting it go.  It means you’ll be living in a way that those feelings are no longer fueling your day.

March 2020 was unsettling for all the people in America and around the world.  Other countries were infected by the virus before March but now each nation has been plagued by the Covid-19 virus.  It has altered our views and resources.  This remains unsettling times for everyone.  So yes, it’s ok to express your feelings and allow yourself time to mourn.  I recommend that you read my post ‘Grief Work.’

So that your able to comprehend your feelings currently.  Grief is a gift to go from loss to healing.  Our eldest granddaughter is a senior in High School and as of this day there has been no news about graduation or prom etc.  All graduating grades have students in limbo, so we need to let them grieve.

People all around the world have lost loved ones alone which is an awful situation and it makes mourning even harder.  These people and families need time to heal still after the Covid-19 virus is gone. 

I’m writing this to tell you that if your emotions are all over begin to own it as well as express them in healthy ways.  This will help you to release pressure and an assurance that your able to cope throughout these unsettling times.

Own, Express and Release

Ashes in our lives…

What are the ashes in our life?  They’re the things that we consider as a failure, bad, very hard and losses.  Including rejections, abuse, hurts, pain and sufferings.  Can be in any form of abuse in the emotional, verbal, physically, financial, or sexual etc.  Can also be times of neglect, abandonment, shamed.  Anything which tears you down to and it makes you feel, or you think bad about yourself or makes you think your crazy is a form of abuse.  Ashes could also be accidental tragedy, natural catastrophes or unjust attacks.

Ashes are something we consider loss.  But God picks up the ashes we’ve experienced in our life and leads us out and makes us beautiful.  Beauty is inner healing which flows out for others and self.

The term “Beauty for Ashes” is found in the Bible in Isaiah 61: Verse 3 “To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

It does not happen overnight some things do take time but if you’ve been experiencing loss or abuse your heart can be healed through God.  This does not necessarily mean you will forget but it does mean He heals an inner heart of pain and suffering.  He replaces it with restorative love.  So, when you remember the heart doesn’t shut you down in more pain.

When someone has been abused, discarded and hurt it takes some time to heal, think straight and be restored.  From my post ‘Grief Work’ it explains the amount of emotions and how it is not a systemic process.  Ashes in our lives will produce grief. 

Ashes in our lives are about how God uses the things we have gone through once we let him work in our lives and he leads us through healed and restored.  He picks up the ashes and makes something beautiful in our lives.

 A support group that I lead was called beauty for ashes. It’s based on this truth ‘that little girls need affection, affirmation and acceptance from their dads.”  Unless they get it when their young, unmet needs longs for that and the girl aims to fill unmet needs in unhealthy ways.  I am going to say boys also need affirmations, acceptance and affection from their moms.  They will also fill their unmet needs in unhealthy ways.  Those three areas will cause deficiency within the individual and as an adult their unmet needs and coping abilities will be underdeveloped.  Both parents should be affirming, accepting and affectionate. 

Addictions can begin by attempting to fill an unmet need that the pain, neglect, or abuse put there.  We’re all designed with a need to feel loved, wanted and accepted plus we humans need food and shelter.  Those needs refused or is out of balance put a person in an unhealthy pattern of thinking.  

Also, real love doesn’t compel you to be anything you are not, and it does not make you responsible for them.

Most of the time for you to be healed means ‘walking through the pain’ by viewing and releasing thru the expression of the hurt.  Processing grief with truths and walking in the forgiveness about it after it has been worked through, the ache of things we go through must be let out.  Pain which is repressed or denied just stays gnawing like a sore.  Forgiveness isn’t about the offender or abuser.  It is for you to be free of the pain, hurt, and shame.  Forgiveness will set you free to be whole and healthy.

How exactly does God take the ash and transform them into something beautiful?  In Isaiah 61:1-3 is all about the good news of salvation.  This prophecy was fulfilled instantly when Christ Jesus walked the ground and died for our sins.  It is also declaring a promise of comfort and console for those who mourn, to give them beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning, garment of praise for heaviness…  Therefore, as this describes how God gives us beauty for ashes you will be able to lean on him to guide you through the hard, extreme and devasting situations as he will give you inner healing, grace and strength (beauty) for the ashes of life.

Grief Work…

There is a concept called ‘grief work.’  What is sorrow and the importance of doing your grief work?

Grief can begin as a feeling of numbness, and shock almost as if it’s not real at first, and subsequently deep sadness as you are experiencing a major loss.  Losses could be a death of a person, animal, relationships or life changing injuries are not limited to these but also to the loss of a career, home etc.

How a person experiences a great loss another might not experience it the same way.  Grief covers many different emotions.  A loss may be experienced by stages of grief but not in a systematic way.  Grief includes denial, bargaining, hurt/deep sadness-depression, anger, acceptance/creating a new way to live life.

How are we going to get through grief?  For every one of us it is different, tears ease the pressure of sadness, journaling helps you to put your thoughts on the paper and to see what you are thinking and it is the place to see any impractical thoughts.  Talking about and expressing yourself is helping to release the inner pressures of grief.

When we are experiencing a major loss its useful to voice your thoughts and feelings.  I personally think grieving is the gift to move from the loss to acceptance.   

What I mean by this statement is I’ve noticed people celebrate a person’s life without allowing sadness.  To me this is not a healthy way for us to express grief.  Because the individual must repress their grief and put on a happy face.

Funerals are one way to express our grief and time to honor the loved one.  Not letting yourself grieve only will keep you stuck in grief.

Unresolved grief will linger throughout your lifetime if it’s not been dealt with.  Therefore, repressing grief causes health issues physically and psychologically.   Keeping you locked into the past and pain.  If a person is in this condition, there is a way out.  Seek out a Therapist/Counselor.  Expressing feelings or thoughts to a person that understands the full spectrum of grief will help a person do their ‘grief work’ and someday be free from grief.

Grief is a gift from God to help deal with major losses.  But it’s not supposed to be a life sentence you can walk through to the other side of grief.

Losses come in many sizes from small to big from the simple to the complex.  Still everything in our sorrows and triumphs we must be honest with ourselves, realistic in all our expressions and patience with our grief process.

Family and friends may be a great source for support.  Together with support groups, Churches and talking to a counselor.  Seek help if you feel stuck in your grief.

I had to when I lost my mom in 99’ I couldn’t wrap my mind around letting her go, a wise counselor led me through the grief and helped me to see I wasn’t letting her go she’ll always be my mom its just our relationship has changed.  She used this phrase ‘it’s like rearranging your furniture its still your furniture its just in a different place.  My mom will always be my mom she’s just in a different place now.’  Which helped me process where I had just gotten stuck in grief.  Sounds easy as I type this, but it wasn’t for me in that moment I was stuck and needed help in my grief.

If you’re grieving alone seek help that’s the best way to get through to the opposite side of grief. 

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.”