Tag: Friends

What Are The Three ABCs of Marriage?

The ABCs of marriage suggests to me what is 123 of sequence. What makes a marriage work well? How does love really work in marriage? What constitutes a good marriage to you? Sometimes people enter marriage through preconceived ideas and then when their idea of love will not go the way they think or feel it should they get disillusioned. We can set ourselves up for success or failure in relationships through presuppositions. Learning basic relational tools is so important for marriage. I think couples need premarital or post marital counsel. This is important because communication is essential to a healthy relationship.  

The A of ABCs in marriage is for Attraction. When people fall in love it first starts with attraction, but attraction alone will not carry a marriage. Attraction is something you do not choose but you sense, but you do not have to act on it. If the character of the individual is not pure walk away. I think when we sense attraction it is because we like the look, style or personality of the person etc. but that is not love it is just attraction.

When people put too much emphasis on attraction as if it is love and then when they no longer feel attracted, they think ‘they fell out of love.’ Real love is not a feeling it is a choice with a commitment. There is no such thing as falling out of love. The truth is we choose to not continue. When trust is broken, and meaningful communication is absent then intimacy is neglected, the individual no longer wants to continue.

Please do not miss understand there are reasons for divorce such as adultery or abuses of all forms and these are not what I am writing about today. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a reality and should not be, but it is. I always add this because if you are reading this blog and being abused reach out to a shelter in your area. My heart goes out to anyone who has been or is being abused in any form. The mental, emotional, and physical aspects of abuse are very real and painful.

The B of ABCs stands for ‘becoming best friends.’ I personally think a couple can withstand the ups and downs of life when God is first in their life, and they have developed a strong friendship. Think of what a good friend is to you and become a good friend to your spouse. A good friend wants what’s best for you and looks to support in your talents. Gets excited with you in new challenges. Spends time with you but not exclusively. A good friend does not try to keep you away from others. A good friend does not get jealous of you having friends. Anytime we get controlled over our relationships we tend to push the other person away. Healthy relationships give the other person freedom to have friends and family time without negative feelings. Couples can be great friends to each other. Marriage isn’t a competition it is a journey together.

The C in the ABCs of marriage is a Covenant relationship. A covenant relationship is a physical, spiritual commitment to each other in the presence of God and witnesses. In a marriage the covenant relationship is between a man, woman and God as seen in the scripture. When Christ is first in the couple’s life, they understand they are not alone in life or within their marriage. The Bible tells us that marriage is a covenant relationship. In Genesis 2:18 “And the LORD God said, “it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

Genesis 2:21-24 “And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. 23 And Adam said: This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall be one flesh.”

In this passage of scripture, a man and women are joined together as one flesh. The marriage covenant is blessed and special. It is so important for the couple to protect their marriage. A few ways in protecting your marriage are to be aware of the time stealers or other people’s assumptions of your time. While raising your children remember to give your relationship time to be alone. Learn to work for the good of the marriage not self-gratification.

In the ABCs of marriage is a progression of the relationship. The couple starts their journey with attraction but moves forward in becoming best friends and then committing to one another in marriage. Enjoy your journey together!

 I saw this picture on Facebook, it reminds us of the little things in marriage do matter.

People…

There are 7.7 billion people in the world as of Oct 2019.  How many different types of people are there in the 7.7 billion? I don’t know but no matter your nationalities and culture people are still people.  People are humans we all have different characteristics and mannerisms but, in the end, we’re still humans.

While working in my masters I had several classes on personalities.  In March 2019, I became a SYMBIS Facilitator.  This program has been developed by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. To start the individual must answer 300 questions to determine their different personality aspects.  Knowing your kind of personality and your mates or your friends contributes to better understanding of mutual strengths or weaknesses.

Why is that so important?  It’s important because the more we recognize personalities the more our understanding and compassion will be toward others.  Such as, type A or Chloric personalities are forward-thinking, they see the outcome, they take charge, but they have weaknesses too they might sound frank, bossy or sometimes brash.

There are various tests to determine your personality.  These tests must be answered in all honesty in order to identify the true personality.  Sometimes we imagine ourselves in a different way than we operate.  A healthy viewpoint is to answer as best as possible.

Through our life we are changing and growing.  Our personality does as well.  Most of us are a combination of two types.  Knowing people’s personalities helps not just in relationships, but on the job, school, church, and sports etc.

Individuals from all walks of life no matter where you live all around the world have personalities.  Culture can contribute to the way you live but your real personality is part of your inner being.

A wounded person will not be fully plugged in to understanding their real personality.  Survival mode makes the person put on a mask so that they can get through a violent or unhealthy situation whether in childhood or as an adult.

Parents that aren’t understanding or accept the child’s personality might squash the child’s soul and hence they put on the personality traits acceptable to the unhealthy parent. 

As they grow, they may develop unhealthy defense mechanism due to living with another person’s interpretation of their life.  Once these individuals are healed from the unacceptance they start to flourish an uncover their identity and personality.

Some of what children need growing up is positive affirmations, acceptance and affection.  Such as if the child is very talkative give them a healthy outlet to express their words.  Times have changed there is so much information out there to help empower your children and allow them positive ways to express their personality as it develops.

Why is it important because I believe to have empathy and compassion, we need to understand others where they are, so that we don’t try to make them like our personality.

I’m more of a do it now take-charge personality my husband is more stop, look at it and think about it then do it.  We blend by these opposites because we accept our differences in our personalities and appreciate how it balances us.

Begin looking at people with eyes of understanding their personality and not judgement of it this produces compassion.

Friendships

There are all kinds of friendships acquaintances, causal friends, childhood friends, lifelong friends, good friends and best friends.  All in all, people who are friends.

What is a friend?  My words to describe a friend is one who is friendly, loyal, trustworthy, caring, kindhearted, dependable, forgiving and willing to tell you if their upset about something you said or did that upset them or hurt their feelings, because it’s usually not intentional.

The dictionary states, “friend is a person who one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affections, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” Companions

A friend is a person who speaks truth to you.  The Bible says, “Iron sharpens iron.”  A friend is someone that has some interests like you.  A friend cheers you on as you also cheer them on.  Basically, they are happy with and for you when you succeed.  You connect with them in some ways.  A friend sticks close by which means to me in life you can call your friend and know they’re there for you and you are there for them.

 They don’t punish you if they don’t like something you said or did.  They also don’t withhold their friendship either.  People are people we all make mistakes.  Friendships that are healthy are devoid of jealousy, hatred or revenge.

Yes, even in healthy friendships someone’s feelings can get hurt but you go to the person and you tell them and give them a chance to say their sorry.  Unhealthy friendships are jealous, envious or abusive. 

Here’s two quotes I found on goggle about friends author’s are unknown.  “A true friend is someone who has your back when things are going wrong in your life.  A true friend is someone who keeps their promises, and makes you want to keep yours…”  “A friend is a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person.  A person who is not an enemy friend or foe.”

Unhealthy friendships can have symptoms of jealous, envious or abusive.  Lying, untrustworthiness and unreliable.  Possessiveness, greed and selfishness.  These unhealthy traits cause relational problems.  When you can’t be happy for someone’s good fortune or success it is unhealthy.

So how do you deal with an unhealthy friendship?

First, you must recognize it is their issue.

Second, if its persistent and continuous you will need too “let go” or “walk away.”

Third, forgive them but forgiveness doesn’t mean you are too stay in a relationship with a person who habitually is jealous, angry or does revengeful ways toward you.

Even though as a Christian I know and love my friends I also know I can’t fix or heal anyone only God can.  When to end a friendship isn’t easy but if your going to do what God called you to do sometimes it requires hard decision making.

When a relationship continues after a hurt and its forgiven it stays forgiven but if its repetitive one must make a boundary.  A boundary is where you start and stop.

Sometimes walking away or letting go is necessary but isn’t always easy.  It’s most beneficial to your health to let go and continue in your life and walk with Jesus. 

Since Jesus is our example and he didn’t beg and pled with them then neither should we.  I am not talking about one instance of offence; I am talking about years of investment with no change. You’re only wasting your breath, time and emotions.

It’s time to let go and move on.

Little Things Add up…

started as  bulbs

Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most! Whether it’s in a positive or negative way the little things will add up.

What does that mean? All the little things that have been said or done in relationships add up with either a positive or negative result.

Yes, little things add up in positive ways too.  I thank God for each little positive thing in my relationship’s, life and body. It is a healthier perspective to be grateful in all things especially when you’re going through hard times.

Little things add up concerning relationships also. Couples don’t divorce over one thing most of the time. But usually an accumulation of things begins to add up and pile together and become a larger than life problem.

Once it’s gotten that far the couple will be saying to themselves, I’m sick of this or I’ve had enough. And these words sow into yourself divorce attitude.

Remember it always takes two people to divorce. One person can’t be the savior of the couple only Jesus is the savior. Yes, He can save you and heal a marriage. But since God gave us a will to choose, He will not go against it. We must be willing to change and allow him to do a work in us and our spouse must be willing also.

Another thing to remember is we all have perspectives.  This doesn’t mean our perspectives are right in every situation. So, we need to be teachable to hear others.

Be willing to choose to discuss things, hearing the complaint from the other person helps us to grow. It’s when we are determined we are right, and they are wrong is when we get all defensive. This also leads to a win-lose attitude which is destructive for relationships. I’ve told couples it’s win-win or you both lose because your relationship will suffer.

This is not about abuse in any form. This is the regular irritations, miscommunications or hurts that we don’t deal with. They will add up.

Someone once said I like conflict, I said no I don’t, but I’ve learned through the years what you don’t talk about, address or work through only causes bigger problems.

Therefore, address stuff right away but pick the right time, never is not the right time. Give the person a positive affirmation first, then address the issue or situation.  Don’t bring up the past, address the now. Then end by positive affirmation which means tell them something nice about them.

When we do little positive things for each other it adds up and fills up our good emotion reserves then when one of us does a negative unintentionally it doesn’t cause a serious problem. Little things do add up.

Good time and hard time friends

Friendships are a blessing from God. I have some lifelong friends who I don’t see every day or often because we live in different states. But they have been both good and hard time friends. I also have friends I’ve meet through the years who I’ve known for 20 plus years. I have close friends and not so close friends, but all these friends are beautiful friendships in their own way.

Knowing the difference helps to avoid the hurt. Usually good time friends are there when life is good and fun. But if they’re just good time friends, don’t expect them to be there in the hard times.

I have found hard time friends are there for all the seasons of life. The good, hard and mundane times. They’re the individuals you can depend on for support. These are the people you’ll depend on and they depend on you.

Cherish all types of friendships. But it’s wisdom to know your types of friends so that you can lower your expectations and avoid the hurt and disappointments.

Our expectations are the things we expect someone to say or do in situations. But they’re unaware of our expectations or our expectations may be unrealistic.

 So often our expectations of others set us up for hurt, frustration and resentments. By lowering your expectations, you will avoid hurt and will be able to enjoy the friends you have.