As I continue this topic, I want to remind us of the first blog on healthy relationships. I quoted from the book ‘A Christian Perspective ‘Codependency’ by Pat Springle “These are the qualities that people need to become healthy and secure: unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, laughter, fun, a sense of worth, time to work and play together, attention, compassion, comfort, honesty, objectivity, freedom to express emotions appropriately, friendship, freedom to have your own opinion, your own identity, appropriate responsibility, loving correction, affirmation.”
He also stated, “Relationships that are real, genuine, and honest-and that offer the freedom to express true feelings are healthy.”
Many people did not grow up in this environment and it affected their self-esteem. Why is that? Because children internalize everything their parents do. But it’s important to remember that just because as a child you didn’t receive something doesn’t mean you can’t heal and grow as an adult. All of us can learn and grow if we are teachable.
Pat Springle states, “The Lord created and designed the family as the primary environment for our experience of His love and strength. The husband-wife relationship and the parent-child relationship are intended to be reflections and models of our relationship with God. The functions or dysfunction of these relationships shapes each family members view of God and his self-concept.”
The healthy relationship principles/tools for today are Forgiveness, Flexibility and Freedom to express.
A healthy relationship principle/tool is Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice of your will.
Forgiveness means according to the Revell Bible Dictionary, “Forgiveness 1) To pardon or absolve of wrongdoing 2) to cancel a debt 3) to give up resentment.” The bible tells us to forgive. In Colossians 3:13 it states, “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
How do you forgive? By choice, this doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt it doesn’t mean they were right, it also doesn’t mean what happened to you was ok because it wasn’t.
What forgiveness means is you are giving God the problem to heal you and deal with the hurt, pain or trouble. Forgiveness is letting go of the retribution you think you deserve.
Forgiveness is trusting God to defend and make changes. Forgiveness is saying I’m canceling the debt you owe me; such as you owe me “I’m sorry…”
Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. God heals us when we choose forgiveness. Un-forgiveness is like a jail cell it keeps you locked up. Jesus died to set us free from the chains, bars and walls that hold us from health and wholeness. Choose to let go of the resentment and the debt someone owes you and release yourself from the prison of hurt.
Jesus came to set the captive free, we can be held captive when we hold onto unforgiveness; it pollutes our relationships and breeds unhealthy fruits.
Real forgiveness is for you. Since forgiveness is a choice, choose today to forgive and ask God to heal the hurt. You are only responsible to forgive; God is responsible to heal.
Another healthy relationship principle/tool is Flexibility. Why is flexibility on this list you may ask? Because I believe to have healthy relationships, we must be flexible.
Flexible means 1) Capable of being bent or flexed: pliable 2) Susceptible to influence or persuasion: tractable 3) Responsive to change: adaptable. In relationships we must be willing to change a plan and adapt to life’s changes.
People and things change but when we get rigid, we cause a break in our relationships. To stay the longevity of relationships in whatever form friendships, marriage, families or work. Flexibility helps you to survive the ups and downs and turns of life in relationships. Flexibility is a healthy character trait to have.
If you find yourself not flexible, then ask God to show you how to overcome it. Take small steps of change. For example, try a new food choice. Such as food choice someone you know likes… Or watch or go to a sporting event such as your friends or spouse likes. You don’t have to like everything your someone else likes but being flexible and try it for the sake of your relationships.
Flexibility is important. When plans change and sometimes life changes plans going with the flow so to speak helps one to not stress. These are the just a few examples of flexibility.
The third healthy relationship principle/tool is Freedom to express. Freedom to express your emotions and personality are essential to healthy relationships.
Anytime we squash our true feelings or personality it becomes a problem later. Freedom to express is about being true to yourself and allowing your emotions to be expressed. Not in exaggerations but using your voice to express what you feel or think.
True intimacy in relationships is, “being able to safely say what I feel and what I need.” Quote is from Family life skills. As we express ourselves it doesn’t mean everyone will understand or like it. But learning to love yourself enough to express your true feelings, thoughts and personality will produce more freedom and health within your own heart and mind.
Healthy relationship principles/tools are for learning and applying these principles to your life. So that you can learn and grow healthy relationships.