Tag: forgiveness

What is The Shame-Train?

black train on rail and showing smoke

Shame has a way of following you like a continuous train. With repetitious thoughts that haunt you wherever you go. Shame is like a train in that it continuous with many different cars (thoughts) moving along the tracks of life. Wherever the locomotive goes the cars follow.

The cars of the shame train are called I should have, I can’t, not good enough, not pretty enough, not popular enough, not loved, no one cares about me, I’m to old, to skinny, to fat, not smart enough… Then there is a rejection car, fear car, anxiety car, unforgiveness, I will always be this way car…

Shame is a pervasive feeling and thoughts of I am bad, flawed, or damaged. It goes with you; it’s deep within your heart and mind. A few causes of shame are abuse in all forms, neglect, or conditional love. In each one of those there is a myriad of other issues.

How do we break free and jump off the shame-train? Through the power of God, His Word and by Christ love we are healed, set free and can jump off that train.

Isaiah 53:3 MSG “He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away, We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried-our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.”  Jesus took our shame to the cross so that He could stand in our place, and we could be healed and set free.

As we are healed by God in the name of Jesus all sorrow of the shame is replaced with His acceptance and love. As a child of God, you don’t have to carry the pain of the past of what someone did or said to you, what you did or said either when we surrender to God the hurts, pain and sorrows He fills it with his healing.  To be free of shame and jump off the shame-train name the car and surrender the pain to God. Process shame with releasing it and surrendering it over to God.

Forgiveness flows as you give it to God, sometimes we hold onto it through unforgiveness because we want retribution for what was done to us but God says vengeance is his so we trust he will deal with it we can let go.

Forgiveness frees you to heal and grow.

In the book “The Father’s Daughters” I talk about shame, rejection, and forgiveness. If you have never read it, I do recommend getting it on Amazon it has powerful prayers to pray for your healing and deliverance. It truly is time to jump off the shame-train, you can’t wait till it stops, because it never stops it just keeps adding more cars (thoughts). In Christ love there is peace, His peace. There is joy too.

Amazon.com: The Father’s Daughters: Affirmation, Acceptance and Affection (9798705629275): Melton, Dr. Annette: Books

Three steps to overcoming offense

Offenses come and go but what happens when we hold onto them? What is an offense and how do we get rid of them from ourselves?

The dictionary’s definition of offense is “offense is an annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult to or disregard for oneself or one’s standard or principles.” Similar words for offense are “indignation, irritation, exasperation, wrath, displeasure, dislike, opposition, taken personally.”

In my terms offense occur when one person or group says or does something that another person or group does not like or believe and it causes the other person or group to hurt, fear or frustration.

In this reaction the fight or flight signal will be triggered, and we have a decision to address the issue or ignore it. Is it a real or perceived hurt would be a good question to ask yourself? Not everything said or done is intentional sometimes we can take it personally when the intent was not a personal attack. When we are consistently in a defend my opinion mode, we may become offended quickly.

Here are three steps to overcome offenses:

First admit where you are at in your heart and mind. Then look at it with this question is this a real or perceived hurt, fear or frustration.

Secondly, process it with truths. Is it just my opinion that is disagreed with or am I really hurt? Begin to look at truths about the situation.

To me opinions are just opinions there not facts. They are not good or bad they are just opinions. Today opinions are portrayed as truths, but they are not. For example, you can look at the sky and say it is a blue sky, someone else says it not blue it looks grey to me those are opinions. Is either one right maybe not it might look like light blue to another person. That is how each person sees it, so it is their opinion.

Third stage forgiveness. When we hold onto offense it turns inward and breeds anger, resentment and bitterness. Which keeps unforgiveness alive in us. It changes us internally because the heart and mind were affected by inner turmoil.

It is amazing how freeing forgiveness is. Forgiveness is a choice of your will. When we forgive, we release ourselves from the pain it caused, and it gives God the opportunity to heal the hurt.

Four Helpful Relationship Tools

There is so much to say and so little time to say it. I’m more than halfway through MIP and it’s been a great challenge and exciting journey.

Here are some key elements you can add or fine tune in your relationship’s. We all need to implement these tools in our lives. Why do I write this, because I have learned good relationships take work, they do not just happen by themselves? It takes time, energy, and effort to keep a good relationship.

First tool is learning to listen without thinking about what you’re going to say or respond with. So often in conversation the person we are talking with thinks about what they are going to say or how this is happening to them that they miss an opportunity to really listen and empathize with you. If you want your relationships to last and be healthy work on your listening skills.

The best solution for this is to tell yourself I do not have to say what I think or feel, nor do I have to fix their problem they may just need me to listen. Healthy relationships work best when each person can say what they think or feel without condemnation, argumentation, or aggravation. Relationships are not meant to be competitions.

Second helpful tool is forgiveness. Forgiveness is an essential tool for relationships. The little things do add up and become bigger issues when we don’t let go and forgive. Obviously, we are talking in general. Forgiveness is really for you not the other person you’re the one who is not allowing yourself to live in the light if we hold grudges, resentments and unforgiveness. In healthy relationships it is important to let the other person know you are sorry and will they forgive you.  

Third helpful tool in relationships is boundaries. Boundaries are helpful because it lets you know where you start and stop. Boundaries are helpful because then you & your spouse are aware of things that you will and will not do. It helps to keep the peace within your relationship’s.

Fourth tool walk in love. Real love is not an emotion it is a commitment to the relationship. Love is based in the wellbeing of another. God is love. His love for us was given in Christ Jesus dying for us so that we could receive forgiveness. In relationships of all kinds love is an essential tool. It’s the most important aspect of relationships. The only thing that last’s is love. My husband shows me love in all kinds of ways from his words to his actions. His commitment to me and our marriage makes me feel loved and secure. Love is an action word because real love laid down His life for us.

In our relationships we also can put aside our petty opinions, our need to be right, and begin to see how the other person feels and thinks in situations. By doing this you too will grow in your relationships. Healthy Relationships 101 The Power of Forgiveness

Three different Ways to Deal with Shame…

The way out

As we have entered the New Year of 2022 it is time to release the pain of yesterday. Grief, shame, and pain can hold onto us if not processed, healed, and released. Today is the day to process shame. Understanding what shame is and how to heal from it is essential to walking free from it.

What is Shame? “Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” The shame I am writing about is also an internal feeling of being flawed, not good enough or worthless. This doesn’t mean it’s true it is just a pervasive feeling of not being good enough, worthless.

As so many know the pain of shame replays in your mind and heart. It recalls every aspect of the hurt or trauma and it will cause the wound to stay because it is within you, hidden in memory and as events happen in our lives shame internalizes it through the original filter of pain. Which then we are triggered in pain and back to the original hurt without realizing why this current event hurts so much.

Things that cause shame is all forms of abuse verbal, emotional or physical etc. Statements made that are unloving or humiliating may cause shame. When an individual hears they are no good, rotten, or worthless that will cause shame. When a person is told regularly negative words against their personhood or their skills etc. it will affect the way they see themselves.

Three different ways to deal with shame that we all need to recognize:

First way to deal with the shame, for some people they feel the pain but they do not want to deal with it. So, they repress it and run internally from it. But it does not mean the pain has gone away. It is just hidden in the body and subconscious. Unfortunately, it will surface but not always at the proper times or ways. Unresolved shame turns into rage.

Second way to deal with the shame, is act like it does not hurt you, your over it and said, “I forgive.”  This is like the first, but this is a conscious choice to pretend you are ok. ‘I’m ok’ that did not hurt me. But reality is it did bother you and you are lying to yourself. This comes back because it causes you internally to become hard and calculated, to form bitter judgements and opens us up to sickness physically or mentally.

Third way to deal with the shame is to allow yourself to release the hurt in a safe environment by processing the pain to come out. This opens you up to forgiveness towards the offender. If this shame has held on for years one may need to get free of the attached demonic oppression. This will release as you process forgiveness and renounce any bitterness etc. We do this by speaking the name of Jesus to the oppression. If you’re not able to do this on your own reach out for help. In Christ Jesus there is liberty to live a victorious life.

I pray that as you walk through the shame and pain you will sense God releasing you and healing your heart and mind from the torment of shame.

Why Forgiveness is a key? The Root of Shame

Three Ways To Give Comfort

warm comfort

What brings you the most comfort? For some it’s a warm meal, a hug, a smile. Comfort comes in all kinds of ways, someone listening to us without advice, taking a stroll, watching a movie or just relaxing on the couch can bring comfort to some people. But when a person has an emotional hurt or is in distress comfort resembles a listening ear, a warm embrace or a kind word that recognizes the hurt.

The word comfort means “1) a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint. 2) Or the easing or alleviation of a person’s feelings of grief or distress.”

How one receives comfort does not always look the same, but it produces the same feeling of relief.

Here are three ways to comfort someone that needs comforting. First, recognize their pain. Acknowledge you hear or see the pain. So often when we are hurting it is hard to express the pain therefore acknowledging the persons pain validates their suffering.

Secondly, do not try to fix it! Be a listener so that they feel empowered by your care for them. When we listen, people can speak without fear of judged or lectured. Real comfort is soothing not harsh or dogmatic.

Thirdly, ask them what they need. People know that they need comfort and what it is that they feel comforted by. Whether it is a hug, venting or snacks… Sometimes we need to say I forgive you or I’m sorry those words spoken in sincerity will bring comfort.

So next time you’re with someone who needs comfort be the listening ear or the warm embrace and allow yourself to be present for them.

The Three C’s of Marriage

Good marriages don’t just happen the individuals work together to make the relationship good. A good marriage is a growing and changing entity. Marriages thrive when we surrender to walking in love, forgiveness and submission to one another. We do this by surrendering our pride, selfishness, and control.

The word submission alone makes individuals nervous due to the extremes people have used with this word. An abusive person will use this word to control and manipulate their spouse. But that’s not how God intended these passages to work.

I look at this word as a mutual surrendering of individuals abilities, strengths and weaknesses. My husband and I have different strengths and weaknesses and we willingly lean on each other in our strengths and weaknesses. Marriage is not a competition it is a mutual covenant of commitment, care and correction. Let’s look at the three C’s of marriage.

The first C of marriage is commitment. Because marriage is covenant relationship it must be entered into with a wholehearted commitment. A covenant is an agreement between two parties. But marriage is also a spiritual covenant between the man, woman and God. God created marriage, it’s a living entity. When a couple puts their marriage in God’s hand and Christ is the center of that marriage their union will be blessed. In premarital counseling I like to teach couples that marriage is a priority. You cannot sustain a marriage and live just for yourself.

The second C of marriage is care/caring. When we care we think of what the other person needs. We express care in many ways with understanding, compassion, and interest. Kindness goes along way in a relationship. Putting someone else’s need instead of your own needs is essential in a healthy vibrant relationship. There is a give and take in a good marriage. Showing thankfulness is also a way of caring. Good manners are a better way to talk to your spouse, please and thank you go a long way. It is a form of respect toward each other.   

The third C of marriage is correction. Yes, correction. When we walk in humility, we can see we are not always right. Correction for me means I’m willing to change or correct the imperfections, weaknesses or faults that I need changing. Jesus said, “get the plank out of your own eye first.” Unfortunately, when we get focused on our spouses’ faults, we lose sight of our own and then we start to compare their faults to our righteousness. But ‘our own righteousness is as fifthly rags’ according to the bible so don’t compare your works to your spouses.

Remember marriage is not a competition nor is it a race. It’s a lifelong journey so enjoy the journey with your spouse.

Why Forgiveness is a key?

Forgiveness

Why don’t we forgive? What is the benefit of forgiveness? In my blog post ‘the three things about Mercy” I wrote on forgiveness being an aspect of mercy. As I was in prayer, I sensed writing on forgiveness again. I think we need to go deeper in our understanding of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not agreement with the offender. Forgiveness does not say it was ok to hurt me. But what it does do is release you from the hurt of the offense, pain or suffering emotionally and mentally. When we stay in the offense in our thoughts we are captured by the painful memories, and we tend to replay them repeatedly. This just causes more pain daily. You could call it beating yourself up with mental replays of events concerning the offense, hurt and pain. Eventually it will be more difficult to stop replaying the hurt unless you repress it which opens the door to more inner problems tormenting you.

I know that forgiveness can be difficult for traumatic events, rejections and suffering. But forgiveness is a key that opens the door to freedom in your mind and body. The key to forgiveness must be turned to release you from the mental anguish. When we hold onto people that have hurt us and we pretend it did not hurt it just plays revolving thoughts of the hurt in our minds.

But forgiveness is still a key of choice. We choose to forgive when we willingly process the hurt and ask God to heal our the mind and heart. Forgiveness is the blessing that releases you from the suffering and thoughts of turmoil. Real or imagined pain and hurt must be let go of to move on and be healed.

This does not imply you have to stay and be abused or violated. In no way does forgiveness mean any person has the right to abuse, torture or hurt another person. It simply means the mental aspect of it which lingers after traumatic events can be healed. It starts with dealing with the trauma and getting the pain out so that you can process it, forgive and be free.

Today is the day to choose to forgive and be free. Should I forgive? The Rejection Connection

What are three things about Mercy?

“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”

What does it mean to be merciful? Why should we be merciful? How can we extend mercy to others? Have you ever been in a situation where you could either give mercy or revenge? Obviously, revenge is never a clever idea, because the Bible says, “vengeance is the Lords” not ours.

The Oxford Dictionary says mercy means, “compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.”

Although these definitions are long it is important to understand what mercy is. The Revell Concise Bible Dictionary states, “Mercy, merciful “A compassionate response that moves a person to one who is helpless and in need.” “In the OT 1) a feeling of compassion, normally translates as ‘love’, 2) the active help, motivated by love, that is offered to a person in need, often rendered ‘to be gracious or ‘to show mercy.’ “The NT 3) Gk, eleos, originally the deep emotion of concern aroused by suffering, which in the NT implies the giving of active help. The biblical use of eleos, portrays God as one who is deeply moved by human suffering and who has chosen to come to our aid despite the sin that makes us his enemies.”

So, with these definition’s the first thing we’re seeing is, mercy is an action in motion to meet someone else’s need. The need for mercy may be hands on physical help or a verbal response of love and concern. Mercy goes outside of yourself towards another.  When we reach out to help another it is for their betterment. Mercy wants to help another. The motivation is to ease the suffering.

The second thing we’re seeing about mercy is, sometimes it also an act of forgiveness. When someone offends, hurts or despitefully uses us our natural man wants to defend ourselves or get even. But mercy extends forgiveness to the person. When we are willing to forgive it is a process we go through. Saying I forgive you can be difficult when it is a traumatic event, but the forgiveness releases you from the event your mind wants to hold onto.

Forgiveness is a choice and God will walk through the process with you. Being merciful doesn’t mean you stay in harm’s way, but it does mean your releasing yourself from the hurt and pain through forgiveness. We choose to forgive, process the hurt and let God bring in the healing for it.

The third thing we could learn about mercy is God is merciful. He extends help to those who are in need. He is “gracious, longsuffering and abounding in goodness and truth.” God loves us so much sent His only begotten son Jesus to die for our sins and so his sacrifice would purchase redemption for us. Even though we deserved the penalty for our sin, His mercy was extended to us through Christ Jesus. His forgiveness of our sins is because of His mercy on mankind. His compassion, longsuffering and goodness can be seen in His love towards us.

Therefore, mercy is a powerful action of love.

What is a good relationship?

What does it take to have a good relationship? Whether it is marital, friendship, or family there are some qualities that exist in good relationships.

The first vital quality of a good relationship is honesty. Honesty gives security for any relationship it builds trust. Without honesty trust will be lacking. Without trust there will be no security in the relationship.

The second quality of good relationships is love. Love is a quality not based upon performance but on commitment to the relationship. Commitment is necessary for the relationship to thrive. Commitment is the adhesive in love for relationships.  The bible states in I Corinthians 13:4-8 “What is love it is patient, kind, it is not envious, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth it always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

So, does a good relationship mean there is no disagreements? Absolutely not this means that you are willing to work through them. The third quality of a good relationship is forgiveness. Sometimes we say stuff wrongly or hurt the other person with out realizing it. You work through these situations by asking for forgiveness or giving forgiveness.

The fourth quality of a good relationship is significant communication. A good relationship extends beyond the trivial pleasantries and brings out the conversations of feelings, wants and needs. It is so important to the person to listen to their words and understand their meaning.  If you do not talk clearly what you are thinking, feeling and meaning the other individual will be left with their own interpretation of what you are saying. Never stop the discussion without understanding what the person meant.

The fifth quality of a good relationship is faithfulness. Faithfulness is demonstrated in honoring your word. Faithfulness to your word means you do what you said you would do. Faithfulness also means you are loyal. These are qualities that build trust and security in relationships.

All these qualities of honesty, love, commitment, trust, security, significant communication, forgiveness, and faithfulness develop good relationships. I would inspire you to find ways to grow your relationships with these qualities.