Tag: boundaries

Four Helpful Relationship Tools

There is so much to say and so little time to say it. I’m more than halfway through MIP and it’s been a great challenge and exciting journey.

Here are some key elements you can add or fine tune in your relationship’s. We all need to implement these tools in our lives. Why do I write this, because I have learned good relationships take work, they do not just happen by themselves? It takes time, energy, and effort to keep a good relationship.

First tool is learning to listen without thinking about what you’re going to say or respond with. So often in conversation the person we are talking with thinks about what they are going to say or how this is happening to them that they miss an opportunity to really listen and empathize with you. If you want your relationships to last and be healthy work on your listening skills.

The best solution for this is to tell yourself I do not have to say what I think or feel, nor do I have to fix their problem they may just need me to listen. Healthy relationships work best when each person can say what they think or feel without condemnation, argumentation, or aggravation. Relationships are not meant to be competitions.

Second helpful tool is forgiveness. Forgiveness is an essential tool for relationships. The little things do add up and become bigger issues when we don’t let go and forgive. Obviously, we are talking in general. Forgiveness is really for you not the other person you’re the one who is not allowing yourself to live in the light if we hold grudges, resentments and unforgiveness. In healthy relationships it is important to let the other person know you are sorry and will they forgive you.  

Third helpful tool in relationships is boundaries. Boundaries are helpful because it lets you know where you start and stop. Boundaries are helpful because then you & your spouse are aware of things that you will and will not do. It helps to keep the peace within your relationship’s.

Fourth tool walk in love. Real love is not an emotion it is a commitment to the relationship. Love is based in the wellbeing of another. God is love. His love for us was given in Christ Jesus dying for us so that we could receive forgiveness. In relationships of all kinds love is an essential tool. It’s the most important aspect of relationships. The only thing that last’s is love. My husband shows me love in all kinds of ways from his words to his actions. His commitment to me and our marriage makes me feel loved and secure. Love is an action word because real love laid down His life for us.

In our relationships we also can put aside our petty opinions, our need to be right, and begin to see how the other person feels and thinks in situations. By doing this you too will grow in your relationships. Healthy Relationships 101 The Power of Forgiveness

How to make your word valuable…

How important is your word to someone? Years ago, people made agreements based on their word and a handshake. But now people have contracts and legal documents to hold individuals to their word. Why is that? Because the handshake and giving of their word no longer worked. People stopped caring about honoring their word.

I personally believe if you say it, you should do it. I believe it is biblical to honor your word. The scripture is found in Psalm 15:4. It’s a sign of maturity. We need to try to keep our word unless an emergency comes up or sickness prevents. It helps people to trust you. There is value in knowing someone is reliable.

Here are three practices to help honor your word.

The first method is taught by Jesus. He said, “let your yes be yes and your no be no.” Anything that is added means it depends on such as ‘I’ll try, or maybe, will see.’ You might as well say no because this is always a back doorway out, it means if something better comes up, you’re not available. Be honest with yourself by knowing your boundaries and limits. Over commitments tend to make a person unreliable which leads to a lack of trust.

Secondly, keep track of your commitments by writing them down or putting them in your phone calendar. I’m a little old school I still carry a calendar. Whatever way you prefer, use it to keep track of your appointments and commitments this helps you to remember what you committed to. This produces an excellent work ethic and people will trust you.

Thirdly, Psalm 15:4 says, “…honor your word even when it hurts.” It’s not always easy and sometimes its really difficult but it will build good character and strength in you. Our word is important it builds trust when we follow through with what we have said. It really is a good character strength to have. Try thinking about what you really mean before you answer so your word will not be misinterpreted. I prefer to think about my answer because I know if I say it, I will do it.

Commitment to your word adds value to your reputation.

What are your boundaries…

What is a boundary?  A boundary is, “the line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.”  Like property etc. 

But why do people need boundaries?  People need boundaries so that they do not go beyond their limit.  Stresses can come in all kinds of ways but when you know your limit, you’ll able to moderate your needs for down time and rest.

It’s important to know what you’re willing to do and not do.  Why is it so that your actively present instead of being pressured to do anything that you don’t believe in or you want to do.  Finding your voice and your no is essential to living a healthy life.

Finding your voice to me means being able to say how you feel and think about something.  It’s to be able to express your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way.  That’s being true to yourself and expressing it.

Your yes or no must be inline with your heart.  Find your no means, saying No when you don’t want to do something.  For some saying no is difficult this will cause them stress because that’s when they are doing what they really don’t want to do.  It is okay saying no I can’t, or I don’t want to.

If saying no is difficult for you then speak truth to yourself regarding the situation and say to yourself it’s okay to say no.  Self-talking about truths helps us to overcome. 

Begin today being true to your own hearts and minds by using your yes and no.

I was given the boot…

Today is my four-month doctor appointment since surgery.  I was given the boot to the boot. 

I don’t need to wear the grey boot!!! Yay!  This was a longer recovery, but my ankle is healed well.  I still must continue with physical therapy and I’m doing good. I was thinking about this day the boot was a good support and if I have a lot of walking Doctor said still use it.

I have learned through the years knowing your own body is important.  When your sore or weary stop and rest.  When we overdue and push our bodies beyond their endurance we will wear our bodies down.  We become more vulnerable to weariness, exhaustion and sickness.

I’m learning to admit my signs of the need to stop, sit and rest.  When I was younger, I would push till I was so painful I couldn’t walk, and I would like to volunteer for everything.  I didn’t realize my own need of boundaries.

However, I learned and continue learning when to say no and yes with thought.  So, by the time we commit, we counted costs of the commitment.  Should you commit not taking cost into account, you will be running yourself ragged. 

We can assess our why’s.  Why must I say yes when I want to say no?  Most often it is because we’re afraid of someone’s disapproval or we’re trying to win their approval.

Sole approval we need is God’s, ask Him what you should or shouldn’t do?  Be conscious of His leading and you won’t be doing it in your own strength. One question for all of us should ask ourselves, what should you give the boot too?  Things, habits, addictions etc.  Take a moment and ask God is their anything I need to let go of?   He will give you the grace to let go of it.

Should I forgive?

That is a difficult question to many people.  But your answer is yes, we should forgive!  Why yes, because forgiving someone isn’t about them it’s for you.

Forgiveness gives empowering for yourself.  It relieves negative thoughts and emotions.  It doesn’t mean what’s happened wasn’t wrong it simply means you’re moving on in your life.

It also doesn’t imply reconciliation.  Forgiveness is the choice of your will.  But sometimes separation is necessary from the person who doesn’t change.

We cannot make anyone change or do something.  We just have control over ourselves.  If you go in a circle year after year, it will make a rut.  To get out of the rut you must change something.

Boundaries help us understand where we are and what we are willing to tolerate.  If you don’t have any boundaries, you’ll be stuck or put in a position of compromising yourself about something that isn’t what you really want.

So, should I or shouldn’t I forgive yes, we should but it does not mean sometimes how we think.  What I mean is that sometimes we think forgiveness is for the other person when in fact it is for you. Forgiveness is a gift for yourself.  You release yourself from the revenge or I deserve and empowering yourself to move on.

Saying I will never forgive them is a life sentence on yourself.  God takes care of the vengeance part of injustices done to us.  We may rest in His plans and to release ourselves from holding unforgiveness against someone.

Jesus forgave us, ask for help to release whatever unforgiveness which is tormenting you.

Choose to forgive, set boundaries and live in the freedom of God’s love in Christ Jesus for you.

Treasure Hunters

I love to watch anything about treasure hunting.  The mystery of where is it and how did it get lost fascinates me.

What do you treasure most?  Have you ever thought about the treasures of your heart/soul?  Maybe your wondering what are those treasures?  Some are attitudes, desires, thoughts, values…  this list comes from the book ‘Boundaries in Marriage’ by Dr. H. Cloud and Dr. J. Townsend.  We are responsible for our own treasures.     

What do you consider to be a treasure?  We only have control over our selves such as our abilities to be happy, smile, think, investigate, choices, decisions etc. they are ours.

In the above-mentioned book, it discusses relationships and boundaries.  Healthy relationships don’t complete each other they complement each other.

There is a chapter in the book called “It takes two to make One.”  They state, “Complementing each other means bringing different perspectives, talents, abilities, experiences and other gifts to the relationship and forming a partnership.”

I love that statement because it forces couples to look beyond the statements of, they fulfill me and makes them think about what they bring to the relationship.

They also state in the book, “Completing each other means making up for one’s immaturity as a person.”  Marriage is meant to be a 100-100% going into marriage based on the other person making up your immaturity doesn’t produce a healthy relationship.  We each are responsible for our own character. 

Here are just a few abilities we each must have that are basic human requirements. “They are the ability to: learn and grow, have initiative and drive, say no, be vulnerable and share feelings, grieve, be sexual, be spiritual, be free and not controlled by external or internal factors.”  I recommend reading the book, ‘Boundaries in Marriage.’

If your completeness is dependent on another you will constantly be looking for something, they can’t give you.  Only you can do the work needed to build your esteem and character. 

Boundaries are where you start and stop.  Knowing your own boundaries helps you to choose your responses.  These areas of our life if we don’t evaluate and decide our responses then you’re going to feel overwhelmed.

Making a hard conversation that could back-fire isn’t easy but not addressing an issue is even harder to live with.

I like to have couples that I have worked with look at this list and write what it means to them.  Because we are responsible for our own treasures.  “Your feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love are aspects of your soul.”  Owning your own treasures brings value to your relationships.

The bible describes wisdom as a valuable treasure.  Wisdom gives us the ability to process the knowledge we have with the right choice.  God’s word also tells us that if we ask, God will give us wisdom generously.  To me wisdom is a great and valuable treasure.  

Proverbs 8:10 “For wisdom is better than rubies and all the things one may desire cannot be compared with her.”

Knowing what to do when you need to do it is wisdom.  Start looking at the treasures of your soul and you will begin to understand about yourself and this helps us give from what we have.

I know my identity is in Christ.  He has built me to be healthier and more confident in him and in my life.  To me Jesus is the Wisdom of God.  He will help you look at the treasures of your soul and help you grow in complementing your spouse.