What is conditional and unconditional love?

Since I have been writing about love this month, I thought a more detailed description of conditional and unconditional love would be appropriate. The word conditional means “subject to one or more conditions or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms.” Unconditional means “not subject to any conditions.” In the book ‘The Father’s Daughters’ I discuss conditional and unconditional love. God’s love is unconditional, but mankind loves conditionally at times.

How do we know if we are walking in conditional or unconditional love? The answer may be in what you’re expecting in return for your love. Unconditional love has no expectations on its love. When there is love given in expectations of returns then the conditions can set you up for resentments. “The higher your expectations are the greater your resentments will be.”

I was blessed to have a mother who loved us unconditionally. She was affirming and accepting. She wasn’t perfect because no one is perfect but God. She taught us how to accept the differences in others I think her disability was a visual for me to know people treat others differently. But I learned to recognize differences without judgements. The outward appearance isn’t as important as the inward character. Love based in anything outward isn’t real love it’s conditional and no one can thrive in conditional love.  

Children who are loved for just being your child grow up able to accept God’s love for them but when they are conditioned that when they do right, they are loved and when they do wrong, they are not loved it produces all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanism. Such as perfectionism, performance orientation , shame, rejection, they become critical of themselves and others and the list go on.

But what is God’s requirement for His love? Most people would answer do good, be kind etc. But is that His requirement or is that mans? The bible states, in 1 John “God is love.” This can be a hard concept for those who were conditioned by acceptance of works. God loves us unconditionally he doesn’t dis-love because you don’t do everything perfectly.

I think we confuse consequences for behaviors as His not loving you, but the truth is, He still loves you despite your behaviors. Consequences are a necessary learning tool it helps us to recognize mistakes, sin and shows love. The Holy Spirit will convict us of sin but if we don’t repent and turn, he allows the consequences to wake us up. That is love!

If you were raised in conditional love, there is hope and healing for you to receive God’s unconditional love. He loved us so much he sent Jesus to die for our sins before we were even born. Who dies for someone before they even exist? Jesus did. Love is a four-letter word that can bring us joy or pain. Today let the love of God heal your pain and replace it with His Love. He truly does love you unconditionally.

A list of 12 Moneyless or Inexpensive Dates.

Birdwatching

Since Covid-19 dates have not yet been a priority. But couples need time together to have meaningful connections and dates assist in keeping couples thriving. I have thought about ways to have moneyless or inexpensive dates. While my husband and I are empty nesters we can have special moments most of the time. But empty nesters will also have to make special moments, or the connection can lose a little luster.

I once read Dr, Smalley said, “the shared time together should be meaningful for both.” So, I’m coming up with ideas to encourage you to think outside the box for you and your mate.

Here’s a list of inexpensive ways to help you think outside the box of chocolates for dates.

 1) Setting a date night of games such as board or card games can help build a link between a couple. It could be a fun time to share thoughts and laughter.

 2) Eat your dinner with candlelight. This puts a special atmosphere of relaxation and intimacy.

 3) Cook a meal with each other. This also creates a time of anticipation and conversation.

 4) Go for a walk with each other and don’t discuss kids or bills simply enjoy each other’s company and the nature around you. God created beautiful landscapes and animals to look at and appreciate.

 5) Since it’s snowing here where I live try sledding, tobogganing, ice skating, snowboarding or skiing. Since Covid-19 several states were not opened but are starting to open try thinking outside the box to enjoy each other’s company during the wintery days.

 6) Have a night of bowling either electronically (WII) or go to your local bowling alley.

 7) Lots of people take pleasure in puzzles make it a mystery you both find challenging and work together to solve it.

 8) Pop popcorn and watch your favorite movie or look at a new one that you have been wanting to see.

 9) Make a fire inside or out and roast the marshmallows or to make smores and sip your favorite drink. This time of year, a nice hot tea or cocoa sounds good to me.

 10) Going to the beach may be a pleasant time to enjoy each other’s company and see beautiful scenery and nature. Listen to the waves coming to shore can release stress and help one to relax also. Even in the cold a lake or ocean is a beautiful place to visit.

 11) Hiking and or bird viewing in a State or Federal park would be fun. With and without binoculars. In the winter searching for animal prints could be interesting too.

 12) If you like to eat out make it a no mobile phone date so that you both interact in talks that are stressless. I recommend that you do not discuss finances, children or bills. Reason Behind This Is That these topics can be stressful to deal with. The purpose of dates is to make a connection and enjoy each other’s company.

With or without any money couples can find enjoyable ways to spend quality time together if you’re willing to look outside the box.

Making memories with your sweetheart has a beneficial effect in keeping your connection open and intimate.

What is love supposed to look like?

Well, I think it depends on the type of love as I wrote in my last blog post ‘What is love?’ I’ve been pondering on 1 Corinthians description of love. Most of us can quote it we have heard it spoken in marriage services and in sermons. But quoting it is easy, living it is where the rubber meets the road.

First let me say, this passage was written to the Corinthian church not about marriage but about the gifts of the spirit and unity of the body. So therefore, it is an essential element for all of us to consider in how we deal with others. You see if you can speak in tongues but can’t walk in love then you’re like a sounding cymbal just a loud noise the bible says. Or if you prophesy but have not love then it’s worth nothing. ‘Love one another’ is a key to walking in Christ. So, what does love look like?

1 Corinthian 13:4-8 states, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5-does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6-does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7-bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8-love never fails.”

We are one body Jesus is the head of the body, so it is important to understand that we need to walk like he did in love. Love is not weak or enabling love is the character of God.

God is not an enabler he won’t excuse your unruly behavior because he loves us enough to give us consequences, so we repent and learn his way. His love is longsuffering but don’t ever take it for granted that just because you got away with it for now doesn’t mean you will get away with it forever. Real love gives consequences for wrong behavior. As parents we instruct our children through their choices and consequences. That is called discipline. Discipline is training it’s not punishment. Love trains a child.

As I’m reading through the bible, I see just how Holy and precise God is in His details. The bible says God is love, He doesn’t just love He is love, it’s his being.

So, as we are thinking on how love looks, acts or thinks lets look at different aspects of 1 Corinthians 13 love. First it suffers long and is kind, what does that mean? I think it means patience and kindness while you wait. Sometimes we can be impatient and unkind while we wait for change, answers etc. Most of us want it now not later. But waiting is good for us sometimes because it develops character and maturity.

Love does not envy. Envy is wanting what another has with discontent with what you have. Envy becomes a grueling task master because it is never satisfied. But love appreciates when someone else has or is getting and is happy for them.

Love does not parade itself. Parade puts on a show, be genuine in your actions with others it’s not about how great we are it’s about compassion and kindness. Parade to me means we don’t have to tell everyone what we’ve done for someone it’s their testimony let them tell it. Don’t self-promote let someone else tell your good qualities. Unless you’re applying for a job then it’s the right time to tell your qualities.

Love is not puffed up. Puffed up to me is pride, pride opens a door to destruction. It’s what the bible described, ‘pride before a fall’. Its love to not believe that you are better than another. Remember once you are elevated in a promotion to stay humble so that pride doesn’t enter. It’s not wrong to excel God gives promotion. It’s a heart attitude that puffs you up.

Love does not behave rudely. Rude is ‘short, brief or abrupt’. Most of us don’t try to be rude but if we are stressed, overburdened we may come off in rudeness. It doesn’t excuse it but recognize your fault and say you’re sorry.

Love does not seek its own. In this it does not always look for it’s own way. Love is open to other opinions and ways of doing things. Why because opinions are just opinions not facts. It doesn’t always have to be our way of doing it. But it should be God’s way always.

Love is not provoked. Provoked means ‘stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion. Typically, a strong or unwelcome one) in someone’. Love weighs its response, it doesn’t react. When we react, we have triggered? To overcome this, understand the why you triggered and let God heal it.

Love thinks no evil. This goes to the core of our thought life. We may not say it but if we are thinking it its eventually coming out of our mouth. Evil here does not stand for the dark side it is the bad, unloving, thoughts we think about someone. How we think affects us in a lot of ways. Look for the best in people.

Love does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth. Love doesn’t back iniquity, wrong behaviors, or injustice but it loves righteousness and truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Since the apostle was writing to the church it’s important to remember churches are made of people. People are different and we need to bear all things in love. Obviously not abuse but the differences need to be endured. Be patient and kind and let God fix what needs to be changed.

We can believe the best for situations and trust God with the things we do not understand. Hope is essential for life and believing God will work out the stuff. It says love endures all things. I think of the hardships people go through in starting business, groups, churches etc. and if they had quit there would not be the business, group or churches. Love never fails.

Let’s be like Jesus and love like He did.

What is love?

Love is such an essential element in our lives. So much so mankind dedicated a day in February to it for couples. But God loves us 24/7 365 days a year for eternity.

His love is faithful, powerful and healing. It is a restorative love; we can’t earn it, nor do we deserve it, but He freely loves us.

The bible describes distinct kinds of love through the Greek language such as ‘Philia love’ it is the brotherly love ( friendship/brotherly). For your friends, family etc. this type of love is shown in affection, and companionship. It’s the type of love we show our family even when we don’t like something they are doing.

The word ‘Storge love’ is empathy love. This Greek word shows love through compassion and empathy. Although this word is not in the bible Jesus showed this love many times when it said he had compassion on them and healed them or feed them. We can have empathy love for people we do not know or do know. It is still a form of love. The old testament tells us in Isaiah that God feels our infirmities. That is the same as empathy love. When Jesus was moved with compassion, he empathized with the hurting and sick among him, he felt their pain and hurt.  

There is the ‘Eros love’ which is the Greek word for romance love. The valentine day love. This type of love is sexual attraction. It is emotionally and physically based.  

And then there is ‘Agape love’ God’s love. The Greek word agape love is unconditional. The perfect love, no conditions. This is the kind of love that laid down its life for us. Jesus loved us unconditionally before we knew Him, he died for us. The bible says nothing separates us from his love. Yes, you read it right nothing. Most of us at first do not understand that type of love because we live in a world of conditions. But nevertheless, it is God’s love, and he does love us unconditionally.

But that does not mean there are not consequences for sin or disobedience. There are physical and spiritual laws that if we break them there are consequences but just because you endure a consequence does not mean God does not love you. It just means you are reaping from something you sowed.

So, as we approach valentine’s day tell the one you are romantic with Happy Valentines’ day! But remember that love has expressions through actions. Show love towards your fellow man with ‘philia love’ and have ‘storge love’ for those who are hurting but most importantly let God’s agape love flow through you to all.  

Two ways to know your Plan?

I think plans are good it is important to understand what you are doing and how to make it happen. That could pertain to all areas of life. Every personality is not happy with making plans some individuals like to be more spontaneous. Plans may be as simple as a grocery list or making life goals. I personally like having plans. It helped in finishing my education.

Today while reading the Word of God I was quickened with this scripture. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I love that God has a plan for each one of us. This thought gives me the strength and grace to succeed in life. Sometimes I will make a plan, but it does not always succeed but when my plans are in the Lords hands his plans always prosper.

If you are thinking as you read this well, I just do not know the plan. I to have been in your shoes. But God has a way of telling or showing us his plan.

One way God tells us his plan for us is the desires in your heart. The things you would love to do but think you cannot, and it does not go away. I would encourage you to take that step. Sure, it is a little scary, but you will know after you start. You may be thinking but what if I fail but what if you don’t.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what to do or what it would look like etc. But I knew I had a desire to write. So, I researched how to do a blog and thought about what I would like to write on which led me to relationships, life and love. It is the topic I taught and counseled on the most. So, I took a step!

Another way to know your plan is through prayer. The best plans can take time so bath your plans in prayer. Seek out Gods plans he will reveal them to you. Many years ago, I wrote a couple manuscripts that I never did anything with. Never thought about publishing them until now. I recently finished a book, and I will publish it. The proofreader is done, and the graphic designer is working on the cover and back. I am excited about this, but I would not have taken the step if I had not been encouraged to produce a product.  

I have said all this to inspire you to make a plan and take a step. Think big, investigate whatever it takes to carry out your goal then push through to make it happen. Give yourself grace too because somedays are harder than others.

Most importantly do not give up on your dreams. If it does not happen now the directive does not mean it will not. It might not be the right timing but that does not mean it is not going to happen. Just keep encouraging yourself with the Word of God.

I do realize though it takes a step no matter what it is in life you still must start somewhere. So, keep planning keep dreaming and doing the steps needed to make your plan and dreams come true.

Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV “for I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

How is your day going?

Have you ever had one of those days where it starts out great and mid-way it takes a turn towards stress Ville? Well truth be told I think we all can relate to those days.

Some days are sunlit others raining, cold, foggy. Every day is not easy and has challenges but when your life is not based on your day you come through the challenges with growth. If you base your day on certain outcomes, then you’re setting yourself up for hurt and failure.

We all need goals to set to get things done but giving ourselves grace to carry out what you want and need to get done and leaving what is not for another day without guilt is healthy living.

Guilt just weighs you down it adds stress that we just do not need to put on ourselves. There are enough things that can cause stress but adding it to yourself is counterproductive. There is a difference between guilt and conviction. Conviction leads us to repentance and change. But guilt causes internal feelings and thoughts of less, not good enough, feeling of condemnation thoughts of not measuring up. Knowing the difference helps one to be free to enjoy your day as you walk along the day.

When we do wrong, we need to recognize by admitting it repent and ask for forgiveness. And do not do it again. But guilt is different it is a pervasive feeling of not measuring up to a standard one has put on themselves or by others. It can manifest in standards of all kinds, time, behavior, feeling, opinions etc. It is a grueling task master. Usually, its root is in performance orientation or perfectionism.

So, if you’re feeling it’s a bad day ask yourself why? If your why is based in feelings, then ask yourself what is the feeling I’m having based in? That answer will help you to recognize if it is guilt, based in performance. Then give yourself permission to make mistakes, lower expectations etc. God gives us grace it is time to apply that to yourself.

How is your day I asked? To me everyday is a good in the Lord. Last night we had found a mouse in the house, he ate a hole in the dogs’ food. Then a little later I reached up to put the pepper grinder in the cabinet it fell, broke and shattered on the floor and lots of peppercorn was all over the kitchen. I was tired but it did not change my day or mood because accidents happen. We had company for dinner too.

Give yourself permission to enjoy each day no matter what goes on around you and you will feel less stressed.

What exactly is your hope in?

Recently I had read Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.” This made me think about hope and how it affects us. How do you respond when something you desire does not happen? What type of mood does it produce in you? These are a few questions we will look at.

“Hope 1) a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. (expectation desires)” “2) means want something o happen or be the case. (expect, anticipate)”

It is obvious that hope deals with expectations and desires. But what is the root the foundation of our hope is it in something or someone? If you place your hope in people or things you are setting yourself up for disappointments but if you are placing your hope in God, you will have a solid rock to rely on.

We all have expectations and desires for certain outcomes in life. And that is a good thing but if the desire or expectation has not been met how do you handle the disappointment? Here are few different ways people handle disappointment.

Some people handle the disappointment with bitterness. They stew and brew over the situation and blame someone else. This is not productive. The bitterness eats away at the soul it is not healthy nor does it generate life.

Some individuals handle disappointment with self-pity. Self-pity makes the person feel bad about themselves. This also is an unhealthy way to deal with disappointment. Self-pity wants you to indulge in it and it will open the door to situational depression. This also does not produce life.

With both these outcomes it shows us that the hope was in something or someone instead of in God. The bible gives us many verses to place our hope in God. Placing your hope your desires and expectation in God and on his word is the solid foundation.

1 Peter 1:13 “Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

A Biblical hope is’ confident expectation in God.’ What if it still does not happen the way you want? Then go to God for the answer. I have experienced times where I thought something would go a certain way I was expecting, and it did not. This is when we must reevaluate. Is this God’s will, plan and time?  Was I asking and expecting my will in the situation?

The perfect plan is God’s not ours. His desire is for you when you are his child but understanding where your hope rests is important to overcoming in disappointment. Place your trust and hope in God. Be filled with his word put your expectations in God and you will be at peace.

Disappointment do’s and don’ts

The Evergreen and the tree of the Cross

I have been thinking about how the evergreen tree is a symbol of Christmas we decorate it and put lights on it. The joy it gives us to see the decorations and lights shining bright. How it symbolizes Christ being alive and shining bright in our lives.

Then I thought about the cross and what type of tree was used to make it. Some say it was an olive, cypress, or pine tree some say another type but whatever type it was its purpose was to make a sacrifice for Christ to die on. What courage, selflessness and self-denial it took to be willing to go through the agony of it all.

We know the bible says it was gruesome he was disfigured beyond recognition. What love he has for us to have been willing to go through the torture of the crucifixion so that he could forgive our sins. Mankind needed a savior and Jesus is that Savior.

As our world has gone through a pandemic it is more visible the need of a Savior. How one microscopic virus could altar lives around the world and kill 1.88Million people. Every human has had someone in their life or family somehow touched by the Covid-19 virus. To go through this type of pandemic and not know Jesus would be very scary. I am thankful that His presence goes with me and that no matter what I face He is my Lord and Savior.

As I thought about the article, I wrote called What type of tree are you? I thought of the evergreen living as an example of life all year through and the crosses tree standing for sacrifice, I thought of ways we can shine bright in a dark and hurting world.

One way is to be willing to offer a smile, say hello and make conversation with them. You can also offer prayer if you see or hear of a need. For example, we went to the store yesterday and the cashier was visibly in pain so I mentioned she must be in pain she said yes told me why and I offered to pray for her. I have in the past prayed at that moment but yesterday I discerned to just tell her I would pray.

Today a friend and I went shopping and we had three different women talk to us about what we were buying just being friendly in a time when social distancing has made some scared to get close. My friend Teresa told me she heard a message about it should not be called social distancing it should be called physical distancing. Humans need socialization. We need interactive conversations, times of refreshing with others. Today was that for us and those women who approached us.

Another way to shine for Jesus is in helping others. Sometimes people need a hand of help physically or monetarily when you sense it do what you can. I try to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit in giving. Usually, my husband and I get the same leading. There are other ways to give such as, clothing, food, household supplies, furniture etc. the right way to give I believe is to give what is in good condition and clean. Because when we give it should be done as unto the Lord and not for self-gratification. It should be done in secret do not shout about it.

Another gift we can give is our time. Time is the thing we so guard, but we often use it selfishly. Time is the one thing you cannot get back but when invested in another person the blessing is beyond description.