Category: Relationship’s

What Are Three Ways to Defuse Anger

How do you defuse anger? I grew up in a setting where anger was not supposed to be allowed. Not sure how I got that impression, but I always thought anger was bad. When I got older and understood God’s word it says, ‘be angry and sin not.’ Which made me understand the anger is not an issue it is what we do with it that makes a problem.

I’m strong believer in speaking up and addressing issues. Throughout life I have come to realize the longer one holds onto a hurt it festers into something bigger. Anger lets us know something is wrong within us. When we feel the secondary emotion of anger it is a red flag saying something isn’t right within me. I am either hurt, fearful or frustrated about something and someone. If we ignore this flag, it does not go away it just becomes seething inside and will come out on someone or something.

So how do we defuse anger? First recognize that the anger is secondary it is an emotion to let you know something is wrong. Finding out what is going on inside of you by asking your self-questions. Questions like what is the real reason I am angry? Am I’m hurt by this… or afraid of this… will help you to address the underlying issue?

Secondly to defuse the anger is ‘deal with the issue.’ Repressing hurt does not solve a problem. Addressing an issue isn’t always easy but when done with good communications tools the person isn’t left hurting worse or wondering what that was about. Anger helps us to make a change too if we allow it. Sometimes we can procrastinate to make a change until we get angry and see the need for the change. Once again anger is an emotional red flag that something is wrong. Making changes can be difficult especially when they alter how you are living but for real change to take place, we usually must make tough decisions and act upon them.

Thirdly in defusing your anger it helps to speak truths to yourself about yourself. I speak the word of God to myself in situations it produces faith and builds my mind and heart on od things. God’s word has healthy loving statements to make to yourself. It produces life and peace in us.

When I get angry, I ask the Holy Spirit to show me what is really going on within me. Use the moment to produce change in you.

Blessings,

Dr. Annette

Why Forgiveness is a key?

Forgiveness

Why don’t we forgive? What is the benefit of forgiveness? In my blog post ‘the three things about Mercy” I wrote on forgiveness being an aspect of mercy. As I was in prayer, I sensed writing on forgiveness again. I think we need to go deeper in our understanding of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not agreement with the offender. Forgiveness does not say it was ok to hurt me. But what it does do is release you from the hurt of the offense, pain or suffering emotionally and mentally. When we stay in the offense in our thoughts we are captured by the painful memories, and we tend to replay them repeatedly. This just causes more pain daily. You could call it beating yourself up with mental replays of events concerning the offense, hurt and pain. Eventually it will be more difficult to stop replaying the hurt unless you repress it which opens the door to more inner problems tormenting you.

I know that forgiveness can be difficult for traumatic events, rejections and suffering. But forgiveness is a key that opens the door to freedom in your mind and body. The key to forgiveness must be turned to release you from the mental anguish. When we hold onto people that have hurt us and we pretend it did not hurt it just plays revolving thoughts of the hurt in our minds.

But forgiveness is still a key of choice. We choose to forgive when we willingly process the hurt and ask God to heal our the mind and heart. Forgiveness is the blessing that releases you from the suffering and thoughts of turmoil. Real or imagined pain and hurt must be let go of to move on and be healed.

This does not imply you have to stay and be abused or violated. In no way does forgiveness mean any person has the right to abuse, torture or hurt another person. It simply means the mental aspect of it which lingers after traumatic events can be healed. It starts with dealing with the trauma and getting the pain out so that you can process it, forgive and be free.

Today is the day to choose to forgive and be free. Should I forgive? The Rejection Connection

How to make your word valuable…

How important is your word to someone? Years ago, people made agreements based on their word and a handshake. But now people have contracts and legal documents to hold individuals to their word. Why is that? Because the handshake and giving of their word no longer worked. People stopped caring about honoring their word.

I personally believe if you say it, you should do it. I believe it is biblical to honor your word. The scripture is found in Psalm 15:4. It’s a sign of maturity. We need to try to keep our word unless an emergency comes up or sickness prevents. It helps people to trust you. There is value in knowing someone is reliable.

Here are three practices to help honor your word.

The first method is taught by Jesus. He said, “let your yes be yes and your no be no.” Anything that is added means it depends on such as ‘I’ll try, or maybe, will see.’ You might as well say no because this is always a back doorway out, it means if something better comes up, you’re not available. Be honest with yourself by knowing your boundaries and limits. Over commitments tend to make a person unreliable which leads to a lack of trust.

Secondly, keep track of your commitments by writing them down or putting them in your phone calendar. I’m a little old school I still carry a calendar. Whatever way you prefer, use it to keep track of your appointments and commitments this helps you to remember what you committed to. This produces an excellent work ethic and people will trust you.

Thirdly, Psalm 15:4 says, “…honor your word even when it hurts.” It’s not always easy and sometimes its really difficult but it will build good character and strength in you. Our word is important it builds trust when we follow through with what we have said. It really is a good character strength to have. Try thinking about what you really mean before you answer so your word will not be misinterpreted. I prefer to think about my answer because I know if I say it, I will do it.

Commitment to your word adds value to your reputation.

What Are Three Things Every Mom Needs?

Mother’s Day is a day we celebrate mothers. It is a day to honor women who have children. The Dictionary states, Mother “noun a woman in relation to her child or children. Verb 1) bring up a child with care and affection. 2) give birth to.”

Being a mom does not mean you have to physically carry the child there are many people who cannot physically have children but who adopt, foster or care for a child. A mom to me is a woman who loves, nurtures and cares for a child or children.

The word mother inspires for some of us great memories for me my mother was a person who loved unconditionally. She was wise, intelligent and funny.

Here are three things every mother needs.

First, I think every mother loves to hear from their children. Even if you live far away from your mom a phone call, zoom meeting or email, card etc. means so much to a mother. A mother carries their love for their child forever, so acknowledgement of your mom lets her know you care and are thinking of her. Not just mothers’ day but make it a habit to reach out to her regularly.

Secondly, time with her. Visits are so important to moms. They look forward to seeing and spending time with their children. When our children are grown, we so appreciate a visit from them. A lunch date, a stop over for coffee, just to share time means so much to a mom. As adults we may forget that mom’s still need our attention too. We get busy doing life so a day to appreciate moms was created.

Thirdly, a mom loves to receive affection from their child. A hug, a pat, a smile. Love is expressed in all kinds of ways but all of us humans need touch. Yes, it’s a pandemic but to see your child and receive a warm hug it says to me I love you mom!

My mom is no longer with me. I know she loved me dearly and I have very fond memories of her. I feel blessed to know my mother cared for all her children. You may not have your mom either, but you can honor her by sharing her picture on Facebook or sharing a good memory of her with your friends.

Be Blessed and Have a Happy Mother’s Day.

What do you base your Love on?

What is love? Why is love so important? Where does it come from? Is it found in a feeling, thought or action? Or are all three of these involved in love? Does love include your mind, will and emotions? These are a few questions I would like to look at and think about.

First what is love? The Dictionary states, noun 1) “An intense feeling of deep affection. 2) A great interest and pleasure in something. Such as love for football.”

The Urban Dictionary defines love as “The act of caring and giving to someone else. Having someone’s best interest and well being as a priority in your life. To truly love is a very selfless act.” These definitions show us a few things that describe love according to the Dictionary.

Any time I do premarital counseling I like to ask couples why do you love each other; this question causes thoughts and expression so that each one can hear why each other loves them. Just saying I love you is not enough; love is always an expression of action. In healthy relationships love is selfless, it is always moving and growing. Love is stable, reliable, security, with meaningful communication and affection.

Relationships that embrace the differences in each other develop into healthy friendships. Love accepts the differences in others. For example, my husband is a drummer he played drums all his life. I do not have rhythm I struggle to clap in time. But my strengths are in other areas I love to sing. These differences do not hinder us because we embrace our differences, and we are not trying to make each other be like our selves. I think being able to laugh at yourself helps keep balance in love too. Laughter does the heart good.

Parental love also expresses to the child stability, consistency, security, communication, acceptance, affirmations, affection, boundaries and consequences. Healthy love has boundaries it also says I am sorry when wrong or I have hurt someone or reacted in a wrong way. Parental love teaches children how to love.

The Word of God describes love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5-does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6-does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7-bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8-Love never fails.” This description of love is actions, thoughts and words. This is the kind of love we are to walk and live in daily.

God loved us so much He sent His only begotten son to die for us so that we could live eternally with Him. In John 3:16 it tells us of Gods sacrificial love. Jesus laid down His own life for us, His love for us endured suffering, sorrow and death by taking our place, to buy forgiveness of sin for us. God showed His love through His Son Christ Jesus. Love expresses itself in sacrifice at times.

Love is a decision so your will is involved in love. Love is not just a feeling it is a choice. You can choose to walk and live love every moment. Let’s choose to love today.

What constitutes a good woman?

The culture of today may think how a person looks or what their net worth is makes a good woman. But I can assure you it does not. No one is good except God but each one of us has the potential to have good character.

I believe a woman of quality character is more valuable than wealth. One who is honest, loyal, has integrity, humility, hardworking and puts God first is more valuable than a priceless gem. I asked my husband what he thought a good woman was he said a Proverbs 31 woman like you. Thank you, Roger.

You can have good character and not love God but when God is first there is a grace of inner beauty that cannot be compared to. The bible talks about such a woman in Proverbs 31:10-31. King Lemuel’s words came from what his mother taught him. She spoke with words of wisdom and words for finding a virtuous wife. We all can look at this passage of scripture and glean from her wisdom. But whether your single or married you can be a virtuous woman. A woman of excellent character.

In verse 30 it says, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” So often we put pressure on ourselves about appearance and God looks more at our hearts. God chose David based on his heart and not his appearance it is the same for us.

There is nothing wrong in taking care of yourself it is healthy to do so. Plus, there is nothing wrong in wearing makeup, jewelry, getting your nails done etc. I think the point I’m making is all those things are good although not what is it that makes your character have value.

Your value is derived from God and your character shows in your actions, that is based in your heart, beliefs and thoughts. Out of our heart flows the issues of life the bible says. In Matthew 15:18-19 Jesus said “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.”

Good character could be developed through conscious genuine effort in, one allowing God to change our character deficits and two by allowing humility, work ethics, relationships to work out our rough edges. Sometimes we want others to change but we forget to let God change us first.

As a woman I know that we try not to let the world around us affect us but as a woman I know the battle to keep peace of mind is real. I choose to speak the Word of God to the things that try to rob my peace and keep my mind on God. In a world of comparisons, it may be difficult to not do a comparison to others. Comparing yourself to somebody else is a trick of the enemy because God created you unique, and one of kind. You do not need to be like anyone else. Compare your character to Jesus He will work on making you Christlike.  

As a woman I know it does help not to wear my emotions on my sleeve and to look at situations with faith and not fear. Yes, it’s easier said than done but when you mediate on Gods word it flows out of your inner man and comes forth out of your mouth. He fights our battles. I have learned to trust God over my emotions, thoughts and body. Every day brings new challenges for women and men but through Christ we are overcomers.

Whether you know that or not you have an unseen enemy and God’s Son who is the living Word won the battle for you. So, allow Him to help you as you go along your day. It’s time to enjoy being the woman God created you to be.    

What constitutes a good man?

Have you ever heard someone say, ‘oh he’s a good man?” I’ve heard those words about my husband lots of times. So, what does it mean to be a good man? What kind of character traits do you see in a person that constitutes a good man?

To me a good man is a faithful, honest, kind, caring and hardworking. These are the qualities I see in Roger. No one is perfect but when we are quick to admit we are wrong and repent, ask for forgiveness we grow as individuals and as a couple.

All relationships take time to develop. As your relationships grow trust is developed in little ways. Such as honoring your word. That is a straightforward way to show your faithfulness if you said it, then do it.

Empathy is an essential element in relationships because if you cannot empathize with the persons feelings how can you show them love. Men may not always ‘understand’ a woman’s feelings, but they still can show empathy in ways she needs.

Good is a word used to describe a person who has good character. A man of good character is like a ‘well built building.’ He can withstand the storms of life because he is strong in character. A man with integrity and reliable, trustworthy, strong in ways that are helpful and resilient.

I asked my husband what his definition of a good man is. He said, “Being true to yourself and the one you are with.” Which means knowing who you are and not going beyond that. Self-discipline, a spirit of excellence, humility and friendly are all good qualities in a man he said.

Men and women were designed differently by God and we will look at a good woman on another day. One way to know if a person has good character is to watch how they react in situations. Good character does not abuse or use those who are around them. Good character sees the best in others and empowers them to use their gifts and talents. A man of good character will celebrate those around him and their accomplishments. And if married along with their wife and children’s accomplishments too.

A man of good character will lay down his life for his wife like Christ did for His bride the Church. Only God is good Jesus said. But you can have good character. I believe a man who loves God with all his heart and who is humble will always have good character.  

Healthy Relationships 101

What is love?

Love is such an essential element in our lives. So much so mankind dedicated a day in February to it for couples. But God loves us 24/7 365 days a year for eternity.

His love is faithful, powerful and healing. It is a restorative love; we can’t earn it, nor do we deserve it, but He freely loves us.

The bible describes distinct kinds of love through the Greek language such as ‘Philia love’ it is the brotherly love ( friendship/brotherly). For your friends, family etc. this type of love is shown in affection, and companionship. It’s the type of love we show our family even when we don’t like something they are doing.

The word ‘Storge love’ is empathy love. This Greek word shows love through compassion and empathy. Although this word is not in the bible Jesus showed this love many times when it said he had compassion on them and healed them or feed them. We can have empathy love for people we do not know or do know. It is still a form of love. The old testament tells us in Isaiah that God feels our infirmities. That is the same as empathy love. When Jesus was moved with compassion, he empathized with the hurting and sick among him, he felt their pain and hurt.  

There is the ‘Eros love’ which is the Greek word for romance love. The valentine day love. This type of love is sexual attraction. It is emotionally and physically based.  

And then there is ‘Agape love’ God’s love. The Greek word agape love is unconditional. The perfect love, no conditions. This is the kind of love that laid down its life for us. Jesus loved us unconditionally before we knew Him, he died for us. The bible says nothing separates us from his love. Yes, you read it right nothing. Most of us at first do not understand that type of love because we live in a world of conditions. But nevertheless, it is God’s love, and he does love us unconditionally.

But that does not mean there are not consequences for sin or disobedience. There are physical and spiritual laws that if we break them there are consequences but just because you endure a consequence does not mean God does not love you. It just means you are reaping from something you sowed.

So, as we approach valentine’s day tell the one you are romantic with Happy Valentines’ day! But remember that love has expressions through actions. Show love towards your fellow man with ‘philia love’ and have ‘storge love’ for those who are hurting but most importantly let God’s agape love flow through you to all.  

What is a good relationship?

What does it take to have a good relationship? Whether it is marital, friendship, or family there are some qualities that exist in good relationships.

The first vital quality of a good relationship is honesty. Honesty gives security for any relationship it builds trust. Without honesty trust will be lacking. Without trust there will be no security in the relationship.

The second quality of good relationships is love. Love is a quality not based upon performance but on commitment to the relationship. Commitment is necessary for the relationship to thrive. Commitment is the adhesive in love for relationships.  The bible states in I Corinthians 13:4-8 “What is love it is patient, kind, it is not envious, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth it always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

So, does a good relationship mean there is no disagreements? Absolutely not this means that you are willing to work through them. The third quality of a good relationship is forgiveness. Sometimes we say stuff wrongly or hurt the other person with out realizing it. You work through these situations by asking for forgiveness or giving forgiveness.

The fourth quality of a good relationship is significant communication. A good relationship extends beyond the trivial pleasantries and brings out the conversations of feelings, wants and needs. It is so important to the person to listen to their words and understand their meaning.  If you do not talk clearly what you are thinking, feeling and meaning the other individual will be left with their own interpretation of what you are saying. Never stop the discussion without understanding what the person meant.

The fifth quality of a good relationship is faithfulness. Faithfulness is demonstrated in honoring your word. Faithfulness to your word means you do what you said you would do. Faithfulness also means you are loyal. These are qualities that build trust and security in relationships.

All these qualities of honesty, love, commitment, trust, security, significant communication, forgiveness, and faithfulness develop good relationships. I would inspire you to find ways to grow your relationships with these qualities.

What is Compassion for the individual?

What is compassion? “Compassion is sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.” If you cannot feel the hurt of one how can you be compassionate for many. On a personal level compassion should be offered in the daily opportunities. Do you look to be compassionate with other people? God gives us all the opportunities to be caring in an individual way.  

It is amazing to think about Jesus as well as how he healed the sick and then set the demonic free. As I think about all the things He did while he was living on earth it astonishes me that He genuinely cared about individual needs.

Such as the lady at the well, she needed a heart change, the lady with the issue of blood she needed a miracle. Or the woman who had seven demons cast out and became a follower or the lady who poured oil on his feet and wiped it with her hair, her need was expressing her worship to him and his need was to prepare for his burial.

Peters mother-in-law had a fever he cured her, and she served them. The mother whose last son alive died, He raised him from the dead so that she would not be alone. Sometimes we could get focused on the larger miracles which Jesus did. Though his concern for individuals and his sympathy for them speaks to us as individuals. Jesus also healed and delivered men on an individual basis too. The nobleman’s son healed, a sick man at the pool who could not get up on his own healed and the list goes on…

God heals all aspects of us spirit soul and body. His compassion is limitless. When you have been wounded it may cause emotional, physical or mental difficulties but God wants to express his compassion towards you. God cares about each aspect of your life. There are times we will need inner healing for hurts, traumas and pain that we suppressed, and it is okay to seek help.

God’s compassion is greater than our understanding. You are valuable and have worth. You were created by God and he wants to save, heal and restore you. He sent Jesus to die so that you can call on him today and receive from his compassion and mercy.

Almighty God knows you by your name call on Him and he will answer you.