Category: relationships

The Three C’s of Marriage

Good marriages don’t just happen the individuals work together to make the relationship good. A good marriage is a growing and changing entity. Marriages thrive when we surrender to walking in love, forgiveness and submission to one another. We do this by surrendering our pride, selfishness, and control.

The word submission alone makes individuals nervous due to the extremes people have used with this word. An abusive person will use this word to control and manipulate their spouse. But that’s not how God intended these passages to work.

I look at this word as a mutual surrendering of individuals abilities, strengths and weaknesses. My husband and I have different strengths and weaknesses and we willingly lean on each other in our strengths and weaknesses. Marriage is not a competition it is a mutual covenant of commitment, care and correction. Let’s look at the three C’s of marriage.

The first C of marriage is commitment. Because marriage is covenant relationship it must be entered into with a wholehearted commitment. A covenant is an agreement between two parties. But marriage is also a spiritual covenant between the man, woman and God. God created marriage, it’s a living entity. When a couple puts their marriage in God’s hand and Christ is the center of that marriage their union will be blessed. In premarital counseling I like to teach couples that marriage is a priority. You cannot sustain a marriage and live just for yourself.

The second C of marriage is care/caring. When we care we think of what the other person needs. We express care in many ways with understanding, compassion, and interest. Kindness goes along way in a relationship. Putting someone else’s need instead of your own needs is essential in a healthy vibrant relationship. There is a give and take in a good marriage. Showing thankfulness is also a way of caring. Good manners are a better way to talk to your spouse, please and thank you go a long way. It is a form of respect toward each other.   

The third C of marriage is correction. Yes, correction. When we walk in humility, we can see we are not always right. Correction for me means I’m willing to change or correct the imperfections, weaknesses or faults that I need changing. Jesus said, “get the plank out of your own eye first.” Unfortunately, when we get focused on our spouses’ faults, we lose sight of our own and then we start to compare their faults to our righteousness. But ‘our own righteousness is as fifthly rags’ according to the bible so don’t compare your works to your spouses.

Remember marriage is not a competition nor is it a race. It’s a lifelong journey so enjoy the journey with your spouse.

What is conditional and unconditional love?

Since I have been writing about love this month, I thought a more detailed description of conditional and unconditional love would be appropriate. The word conditional means “subject to one or more conditions or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms.” Unconditional means “not subject to any conditions.” In the book ‘The Father’s Daughters’ I discuss conditional and unconditional love. God’s love is unconditional, but mankind loves conditionally at times.

How do we know if we are walking in conditional or unconditional love? The answer may be in what you’re expecting in return for your love. Unconditional love has no expectations on its love. When there is love given in expectations of returns then the conditions can set you up for resentments. “The higher your expectations are the greater your resentments will be.”

I was blessed to have a mother who loved us unconditionally. She was affirming and accepting. She wasn’t perfect because no one is perfect but God. She taught us how to accept the differences in others I think her disability was a visual for me to know people treat others differently. But I learned to recognize differences without judgements. The outward appearance isn’t as important as the inward character. Love based in anything outward isn’t real love it’s conditional and no one can thrive in conditional love.  

Children who are loved for just being your child grow up able to accept God’s love for them but when they are conditioned that when they do right, they are loved and when they do wrong, they are not loved it produces all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanism. Such as perfectionism, performance orientation , shame, rejection, they become critical of themselves and others and the list go on.

But what is God’s requirement for His love? Most people would answer do good, be kind etc. But is that His requirement or is that mans? The bible states, in 1 John “God is love.” This can be a hard concept for those who were conditioned by acceptance of works. God loves us unconditionally he doesn’t dis-love because you don’t do everything perfectly.

I think we confuse consequences for behaviors as His not loving you, but the truth is, He still loves you despite your behaviors. Consequences are a necessary learning tool it helps us to recognize mistakes, sin and shows love. The Holy Spirit will convict us of sin but if we don’t repent and turn, he allows the consequences to wake us up. That is love!

If you were raised in conditional love, there is hope and healing for you to receive God’s unconditional love. He loved us so much he sent Jesus to die for our sins before we were even born. Who dies for someone before they even exist? Jesus did. Love is a four-letter word that can bring us joy or pain. Today let the love of God heal your pain and replace it with His Love. He truly does love you unconditionally.

A list of 12 Moneyless or Inexpensive Dates.

Birdwatching

Since Covid-19 dates have not yet been a priority. But couples need time together to have meaningful connections and dates assist in keeping couples thriving. I have thought about ways to have moneyless or inexpensive dates. While my husband and I are empty nesters we can have special moments most of the time. But empty nesters will also have to make special moments, or the connection can lose a little luster.

I once read Dr, Smalley said, “the shared time together should be meaningful for both.” So, I’m coming up with ideas to encourage you to think outside the box for you and your mate.

Here’s a list of inexpensive ways to help you think outside the box of chocolates for dates.

 1) Setting a date night of games such as board or card games can help build a link between a couple. It could be a fun time to share thoughts and laughter.

 2) Eat your dinner with candlelight. This puts a special atmosphere of relaxation and intimacy.

 3) Cook a meal with each other. This also creates a time of anticipation and conversation.

 4) Go for a walk with each other and don’t discuss kids or bills simply enjoy each other’s company and the nature around you. God created beautiful landscapes and animals to look at and appreciate.

 5) Since it’s snowing here where I live try sledding, tobogganing, ice skating, snowboarding or skiing. Since Covid-19 several states were not opened but are starting to open try thinking outside the box to enjoy each other’s company during the wintery days.

 6) Have a night of bowling either electronically (WII) or go to your local bowling alley.

 7) Lots of people take pleasure in puzzles make it a mystery you both find challenging and work together to solve it.

 8) Pop popcorn and watch your favorite movie or look at a new one that you have been wanting to see.

 9) Make a fire inside or out and roast the marshmallows or to make smores and sip your favorite drink. This time of year, a nice hot tea or cocoa sounds good to me.

 10) Going to the beach may be a pleasant time to enjoy each other’s company and see beautiful scenery and nature. Listen to the waves coming to shore can release stress and help one to relax also. Even in the cold a lake or ocean is a beautiful place to visit.

 11) Hiking and or bird viewing in a State or Federal park would be fun. With and without binoculars. In the winter searching for animal prints could be interesting too.

 12) If you like to eat out make it a no mobile phone date so that you both interact in talks that are stressless. I recommend that you do not discuss finances, children or bills. Reason Behind This Is That these topics can be stressful to deal with. The purpose of dates is to make a connection and enjoy each other’s company.

With or without any money couples can find enjoyable ways to spend quality time together if you’re willing to look outside the box.

Making memories with your sweetheart has a beneficial effect in keeping your connection open and intimate.

Words that bring life or death

Which words produce life, and which produce death? The words that produce life become words of a blessing. But if they produce death, they become word curses.

What is a word curse? It can be anything spoken to you, by you or about you concerning you and your life that you believe, and it is a negative, unloving, unkind or abusive statement. Usually they are spoken by an authority or parental figure and you believe what they said. When you repeat the statements with belief, they become your reality.

God speaks life over us not death. His word is filled with good things that are truths. It is essential to know who you are in Christ so that you can refute the lies of the enemy, yourself, others, or the world. Not everything spoken to us is beneficial to us. We need to recognize what is being spoken so we can refuse to believe any lies, wrong beliefs, or harmful words (word curses) spoken to us, or by us.

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Proverbs 18:7 “A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul.”

Proverbs 18:20 “A man’s stomach shall be satisfied from the fruit of his mouth; from the produce of his lips he shall be filled.”

Numbers Say to them, “As I live says the LORD, just as you have spoken in my hearing so I will do to you.”

Matthew 12: 36-37 “But I say to you that for every idle word man may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. 37-For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Your words are producing either blessings or curses. We eat of our words! that is powerful thought. So, for a minute think on your words lately and how they made you feel. What type of words are you speaking and thinking?

Remember as a man thinketh so is he. So, your thoughts are producing blessings and curses too. Usually what we think is what is coming out of our mouths. Jesus said out of our hearts our mouths speak. The heart and mind are connected. You cannot separate heart and mind. The mind is part of your soul, the soul is the mind, will and emotions. Your heart desires which is will so you can see how intertwined they are.

To be whole we must be willing to face uncomfortable things. Wholeness is essential to overcoming all obstacles. “Obstacles are things that block one’s way, prevents or hinders progress.”

Word curses block our way because they can be subconscious and undetected, they also can attract demonic interference. (‘Interference means the action of interfering or the process of being interfered with.’)

How do you get free of word curses, negative words spoken by you or to you, or inner vows you have made to live by which are destructive to live by?

First ask God what are the negative words this is identifying them. Second renounce them and refuse them. Replace them with a truth. Ask God for the truth to replace them. Go to the Beauty for Ashes page and follow the prayer.

We used the book ‘God Therapy’ by Timothy Lane M.A. We followed his ‘God Therapy’ steps in ‘breaking word curses and unhealthy beliefs.’

Beauty For Ashes page.

Have you checked your tongue lately?

What is a tongue check? What causes our words to come out? How important are your words, do words really matter? I believe they do! Have you checked your tongue lately?

The power of the tongue!

We are living in a day and age where words are used flippantly as if a lie is truth and that there are no absolutes but is that a truth? How do you judge a truth you might ask? Before the 1900’s truth and morality was judged by absolutes of the Word of God. But since relativism started back centuries ago and moral relativism was introduced in 1904 but not widely accepted until the 40’s and really took off in the 60’s truth in America started to slip into a slippery slope of moral relativisms and no absolutes. But just because society decided there are no absolutes does that mean it is true? The answer is no, therefore our words still matter.

Our words can be faulty and based on our opinion’s, assumptions, beliefs and fact less but when backed by God’s Spirit and truth our words are powerful. I have seen God’s word make a change in people’s lives. The bible states in Proverbs 18:21 “Life and Death are in the power of your tongue. And those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Jesus said out of our heart our mouths speak. What types of words are you speaking? Are they words of life or death? A tongue check is done according to the word of God and it will show what those words produce.

In Matthew 12:34 Jesus said to the religious “Brood of vipers! How can you being evil, speak good thing? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” This would mean a tongue check involves a heart check. You can change your words but if your heart is not changed and healed the words will eventually come out again.

But in Matthew 12:35 Jesus states, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.” This statement by Jesus shows us our hearts store treasures of good and bad. He goes on to say your words will be judged. Every word spoken wow that makes me stop and think what have I been saying?

Jesus adds in verse 36 “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.” Men meaning mankind so this includes everyone will give an account for everything we speak wow that is a little scary especially if you think words do not matter. If you judge someone else’s words and then do not judge your own words how will you give account for that?

Jesus went on to say in Matthew 12:37 “for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” We need to let the Holy Spirit convict us if we are speaking words that do not produce life. I pray our words be seasoned with salt, truth and grace. I do not know what words you speak but God knows. Let His Holy Spirit and Word do a tongue check on you today.

I pray this scripture for all of us today. Colossians 4:6 “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.”

The Power of Forgiveness

What does forgiveness mean to you? How important is it? What are benefits to forgiveness? These are some of the questions we will answer.

Forgive means: “Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake; Cancel (a debt)”

Forgiveness means: “the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.” First with these definitions we see that forgiveness is a process. Pardon deals with the emotion of the offense and the feelings of resentment toward a person who hurt, offended or acted in a manner that we felt hurt by.

How important is forgiveness it is essential to your overall mental health? Unforgiveness plagues the mind and heart. It revolves around a continuous dialogue of thoughts in the mind that wants justice or revenge. But it keeps you locked into the pain, hurt, and negative emotions.

There are no benefits to unforgiveness. Why do we hold on to unforgiveness can only be answered by the person? Everyone gives different reasons, but it is usually the event itself. And the injustice of the hurt and sorrow. But in truth unforgiveness is only hurting us, not the one who hurts us.

Power in forgiveness is a key to unlocking a hurt. Forgiveness does not abolish the offense. It does help you to walk free of the pain and sorrow of the offense. Forgiveness places you in a place of restored peace. When we are unforgiving, we do not have true peace. We may have repressed the hurt, but it always comes back up.

Pain must be expressed, processed, and relieved or it is locked in the recesses of our mind and heart. Therefore, forgiveness is a process. Our minds must give the pain a voice through expressions and the emotions of the hurt is processed and then the words of ‘I forgive you for…’ will flow freely. Then the healing of God can fill the area the pain and sorrow lived, and you can be restored and filled with peace and joy.

Jesus bought forgiveness for us with God, but it also opened the door of empowerment of forgiveness for us to others. The word of God tells us to forgive as we have been forgiven. There have been things in my life that have happened to me without God’s help and healing I would not be the person I am today.

I have seen many different individuals and couples walk through the process of forgiveness and receive the healing it provides. The power of forgiveness lives within each individual choice. Once you choose to forgive ‘someone’ the process starts and then you can be healed of the pain, hurt and sorrow of the offense through forgiveness.

Patience, Patience, Patience…

Don’t we all enjoy patience! Well perhaps not all of us. My definition of patience is quietly waiting without grumbling or complaining. Since that is my definition of patience where do you think you are in your definition of patience?

As I waited for my daughter’s goat Kiki to birth her babies yesterday, I looked at my daughter and she said to me, “now we wait we must have patience because they come only when their ready.”  I was thinking about the patience it takes to be a rancher. This goat had two dates, so it was a question of which date is correct and the wait began. I had never seen an animal birth, so I was thrilled to wait. Well I do not believe that Kiki wanted an audience because we left and came back later, she still didn’t birth her babies, so we came back home. She started birthing at 11ish we had been was fast asleep. But Kiki as well as her three kids are all in good health and doing great. They are super adorable.

This experience led me to thinking about patience. How essential it is to practice patience as well as what an asset it is to have. Since we must all apply patience during this pandemic, I think it’s suitable to take the time to look at patience. According to the dictionary: “Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering with out getting angry or upset.”

Patience when anything is delayed. How many times has something been delayed in your life? It may not always feel good to wait on longer than anticipated although it is doable. We can withstand longer in delays by not complaining and looking at the situation in negative ways. The minute we begin complaining our endurance gets affected. Getting angry throughout a delay only affects yourself. Choose to speak the truth to yourself so your waiting will not influence your thoughts and emotions.

The Bible states, James 1:2-4 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,3-knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience, 4-But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” I may not immediately feel joy in trouble although knowing God is working in the trouble and in me is helping to refocus off the trouble. Choosing to speak truths for example is stating God will help, because his word promises to help his children. Or speaking truth may also be I am growing in maturity in this time of patience. Even if you do not feel like your growing you’re going to be growing.

Patience during trouble is also difficult if your concentrating on the trouble. Choose to speak life into the difficulties. Trouble comes in many forms big and small. Any unforeseen problem financially can be real trouble for many. I find and speak a scripture into the problem. It will help me to refocus onto the Lord and his provisions. God also provides wisdom when we ask him.

Patience during suffering may be difficult also.  Suffering comes in all shapes too. Physical, emotional and psychological suffering can all be tough times for being patient. Throughout my ankle recovery I told myself to understand I have never been through this one before and to trust God in the healing process. I knew this was going to be a longer recovery because of my bones being soft. I am still in rehabilitation for the ankle almost finished but not yet.

When we decide to be patient in delays, trouble or suffering we are increasing in maturity. Allow patience to have the full work in you so you become mature and complete.

The Lost Art of Kindness

Kindness matters

What does it mean to be kind? How do you know when you’re not being kind? What does the fruit of kindness look like?

2019 seems to be the year of people saying and doing unkind words and deeds. All over Facebook, Twitter and News Media you see and read of more and more unkind things being said. Politics has revved it up on all sides.

People are believing everything any news person they like says and then spewing it out as if they know it’s a fact. 

But somewhere kindness is still alive. Some random acts of kindness still happen, people still respond to needs of tragedies and losses with compassion. Neighbors still help one another in some neighborhoods.

Step back and ask God what he thinks about kindness.

First what does kindness mean? It means “The quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.”

Here are a few similar words meaning kindness: “Tenderness, goodwill, concern, care, helpful, selflessness, compassion, sympathy, understanding, warmth, affection, friendliness, benevolence, neighborliness, patience, tolerance, mercifulness, decency, charitableness, and graciousness.”

How do you know when you’re not being kind? We all have a conscience. God will let you know through your conscience. Our Conscience will tell us when we are not kind, but we must be listening and responsive. When we realize we weren’t kind apologize for it, don’t ignore it. Recognize it and ask forgiveness.

What is the fruit of kindness? Being friendly when you don’t know someone, giving a hand of help when you can, if someone drops something picking it up, holding a door open and smiling all equals friendliness.

More fruit of kindness equals waiting without an attitude, patience. Or waiting in line when the cashier is slow and the person in front of you is causing a backup and not complaining but smiling that’s kindness in action.

I saw on Facebook a well know celebrity and a politician were seated by each other at a sport event. The celebrity was berated on social media just for sitting next to someone who doesn’t believe like she does. She addressed this issue with diplomacy and kindness and ended with “just be kind.”

I thought about how God used her words to remind all of us kindness matters.

It is time to stop putting our opinions and attitudes above good manners. Did you ever hear the saying ‘Manners Matter’? I forget who said it, but it is true, and kindness is good manners.

The bible tells us kindness is a fruit of the Spirit and its love. Real love is kind…

Its time to be neighborly again. Sometimes it takes a lot more strength to be kind then grumpy. But I have faith we can change and be kinder and helpful.

Show kindness not just to your own little group but to someone you don’t know or don’t like.

It’s also time to stop listening to the negative reports and become the kindness needed around us.

Kindness Matters and Love never fails!