When compassion isn’t compassion, is birthed from miss guided words or actions that people say and do to those that are grieving, have experienced tragedy with or without fatalities and those who are sick, recovering from surgery, has chronic pain, mental illness and those who are in abusive relationships or just any situation that the person has no control over and it is altering life as they knew it etc. These are called crisis or ongoing disabilities.
My daughter and I have been through tragedy without fatality her husband had to face his leg amputated in July 2018. So many people said words to her that were meant to encourage but instead just made her bleed [ hurt more]. The worst thing to say is
“you got this” or “your strong you can handle this.” Sure, she was strong, but she didn’t feel strong.
She described to me a word picture of how those words impacted her. “She felt like she was in deep water an something was pulling her legs under an the people on the beach were calling out to her, “you got this” “your strong” when she needed help; people showing up unasked, offering help or bringing food even coming to clean without being asked would have been nice.
And to those who did send food or gave help she was so appreciative. There was a go ‘fund-me’ started and it really helped. I can’t say enough how much it helped & was appreciated.
This is written to teach all of us who say well-meaning things from our perspective. But it’s not really helping the hurting, it’s just hurting them more. It’s what I call ‘when compassion isn’t compassion.’ I am using these words to help build up others, not to condemn because I myself have said careless platitudes that I know and understand now wound.
It’s time to take the words of Jesus “I was sick and you visited me.” It is time to put Christ Jesus words into action.
So often social media has turned us into people who post correctly, and we think that’s all we need to do. But saying “I’ll pray for you” which makes the person feel like they helped, which in truth praying helps but usually people need hands on help in crisis too. Yes, they still need prayer. But pray then do in crisis is also beneficial help. We in the body of Christ must walk the word of Christ out. Matthew 25: 31-46
I have experienced eight total joint replacement surgeries. I’m two weeks in to the eighth surgery recovery. Which was a total ankle replacement, during surgery the medial malleolus fractured along with this my bones are extremely soft. So, my recovery is going to be longer than anticipated. Already, well-meaning friends are telling me that I must confess it will be sooner. I have also read comments “I’m praying for a speedy recovery for you.”
I also have written or said those words too. I now realize it’s nice in theory. But speedy is not the issue; time is my friend, not my enemy. I need time to heal not feel rushed to get better soon.
Another hard to hear statement when ‘compassion isn’t compassion,’ is saying I shouldn’t or don’t confess your healing is going to take… say sooner. Why? I must be in a cast for however long the Dr. determines it was four weeks with no weight bearing, but to say God make it… why? I’m still going to go to a boot for another 4-6 weeks right now it’s a scooter and one crutch, then a walker crutches and physical therapy. The correct wording would be ‘I’m believing for a full recovery.’
I’ve had enough serious problems being born with multiple birth defects. One was Congenital Ephyseal Dysplasia which caused the joint problems plus arthritis got in the defected joints.
I have had quite a few well-meaning people tell me to just speak positive, and believe for healing which you should and I do, but I know compassion would say, “Can I pray for Gods healing an strength” yes please, not lecture me on what I should, shouldn’t or need to do, like it’s my fault.
This type of compassion isn’t compassion it’s just shaming. It makes the individual feel less or that they’re not doing it right. No matter your intent you don’t put a burden on the hurting.
I’m so thankful that I was able to have an ankle replacement especially with my bone disease. Sure, I believed and prayed for a miracle, but it didn’t happen that way. But God gave me grace to walk for years. Yes I had pain, and I got shots every three months for at least five years.
But saying hurtful things while I am unable to bear weight on my ankle, that I need to change my words etc. isn’t the compassion of Jesus. We need to have the compassion of Jesus not the Pharisees.
As I lay here healing from this surgery I have a repentant heart for all the goofy stuff I’ve said to anyone who was hurting or in need. I will never again say ‘I’m praying for a speedy recovery.’ Because the person may need the time to heal. How about I’m praying your recovery goes well.